Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Sweet Mother of Gas

I'm just going to get right to the point here, yes, I am making a blog post about my farts.  If you don't like it, I'm sure Oprah or Rachael Ray or someone else has a blog you'd like about decorating your cats or something.

For those of you still here, I think its important for you to know that I had the worst gas in the history of the human (and bovine for that matter) species last night.  According to my internet machine, the average human produces four pints of gas per day and rips roughly 20 farts on average.  Before I go on, it should be noted that a pint is a way to measure liquid and that does not apply to my farts because they are as dry and crisp as the mountain air on a winter's morn but for the sake of consistency, we'll stick with pints and whatnot.  As I was saying, there are eight pints in a gallon so if the average person produces four pints per day and 20 farts, that would mean that yesterday I was excessively above average because I'm estimating I produced 67 GALLONS of gas and floated 392 highly audible air biscuits.

I'm a guy who normally farts more than the average person because I like to keep it classy, but yesterday's fart level was so off the charts that I really started to get worried.  What in the name of sweet merciful zingers could have possibly caused such extreme flatulence?  Here's what I ate yesterday:

Green smoothie for breakfast
Handful of raw almonds before workout
6 inch subway with turkey, Swiss, avocado, and mustard on whole wheat
Turkey stuffed bell pepper for dinner
Crackers and wine as a snack (I know...weight loss killer)

How the hell could relatively healthy eating like that cause killer farts?  I don't get it!

I did some research on the subject and, as usual, looking up anything that has anything to do with the body or bodily functions online is completely useless.  According to the Mayo Clinic, excessive gas could be from high fiber foods or it could also be a sign of Crohn's disease (not even going to look that one up).  When I went on to, it made sure I understood that a fart is 'an uncomfortable passing of gas from the rectum'.  First off, I'm pretty sure we all know what a fart is.  Next, the only people my farts are uncomfortable for are the people around me...I on the the other hand feel ab fab when I let one rip.  Finally, it cracks me up how eMedicine's website has the word 'rectum' hyperlinked, that must be for fetish freaks or something.  Back to eMedicine...they go on in such great detail about farts that they offer this little passage:
"In the mid-1800s flatulence took center stage with the French entertainer Joseph Pugol ("Le Petomane"). Pugol was able to pass gas at will and at varying pitch, thereby playing tunes for sold-out shows at the Moulin Rouge. Such was his success that lesser competitors began to appear, including the Spaniard "El Rey" and the female Angele Thiebeau (later revealed as a fake using hidden air bellows)."
Are we serious here?  Does anyone have any questions about why the French aren't taken seriously?  They're a nation of people who are the descendants of folks who used to pay good money to go watch some guy fart tunes.  I can just imagine the conversations they had:  "Sacre Blu Jean Pierre!  Did you see ze Pugol last night?  His fart!  Ze are AMAZING!  I could barely smell my own B.O.!"  I wonder if you got your money back if he Pugol accidentially $hit his pants or if they just did a quick change, sent him back on stage, and quickly announced a special on chocolate mousse.

So, eMedicine health and the much esteemed Mayo Clinic were zero help whatsoever so I went to Wikipedia and discovered the same process your colon (asshole) uses to produce feces ($hit) is the one it uses to produce farts.  Really?...facinating....I never knew that my butthole supply chain is multi functional.  Additonally, Wikipedia gave me this little tidbit of information:

"Flatulence-producing foods are typically high in certain polysaccharides, (especially oligosaccharides such as inulin). Those foods include beans, lentils, dairy products, onions, garlic, scallions, leeks, turnips, rutabagas, radishes, sweet potatoes, potatoes, cashews, Jerusalem artichokes, oats, wheat, and yeast in breads. Cauliflower, broccoli, cabbage, Brussels sprouts and other cruciferous vegetables that belong to the genus Brassica are commonly reputed to not only increase flatulence, but to increase the pungency of the flatus"
Really man?  There's some guy who knows all these big words and at a minimum knows how to sound like a scientist who took the time to post technical details on Wikipedia about how cabbage makes your farts stink?  I could ask my six year old about the effects of cabbage eating and she'd tell me.

So really, what I discovered in my quest to figure out why I had such a surplus of atomic paint peelers last night is that there is a bodily function that on AVERAGE comes out of every one of us 20 times a day and there is virtually no medical certainty or meaningful research about it?  I don't get this, there's research done on horse$hit like restless leg syndrome and parental alienation syndrome and chronic fatigue syndrome but when I want to find out why my ass is playing Yankee Doodle every ten seconds all I can find is that cabbage gives you sow ass and there was once a guy in France who made a living on his farts?  Folks, we need more research on farts and we need it now.  Write your congressman.  Below is probably the best fart research done to date.

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