Saturday, March 31, 2012

The Serious Business of Selecting a New Dodger Hat

Just before New Years, I took my old Dodger hat that I was convinced was bad luck for me and the Dodgers and I left it in San Francisco between the Ferry building and AT&T park in hopes that it would end the crappy luck for the Dodgers and bring bad tidings to the Giants.  Just as I planned, some kid came up and kicked the hat before I had even crossed the street so I'm sure by now, the bad vibes have spread throughout the city by the bay like a plague and this will be one of the worst seasons in SF Giants history.

Moving on to now...I wanted to let the bad vibes settle down so I didn't buy a new Dodger hat right away.  Well, since opening day is upon us and the great Magic Johnson has managed to put together a group to buy the LA Dodgers, I decided today was the day to channel all the positive vibes and get a new Dodger hat.

Real exercised be damned, this was serious business!

Friday, March 30, 2012

Curry Anyone?

Had a long meeting today before lunch and Mark, who is normally the champion of getting me to the gym turned evil and convinced me to 'have a curry'.  Having a curry today meant we hit Taste of India for some good old Indian fast food.  I've been done for about 20 min now and, from what my stomach is doing, I'm about 15 minutes from a rapid fire ejection that will live in the annals of handicap stall history here at work.

Our lunch consisted of chicken tikka, chicken madras, aloo gobi, rice, and garlic naan.  I've gotta hand it to the folks at taste of India, they do a really good curry.  My only complaint is the food is served in big Styrofoam cups with your order hand written on the sides and the restrooms, which you have to pass through the decidedly unclean kitchen to get to, are, without question, the most appalling and vile examples of gross-out this side of Calcutta.  Toilet so stank my pee actually went up.  But hey, I'm not complaining.  Mark busted out a coupon and then paid for Louis and me so I am allllll about that kind of lunch.

One other plus about Taste of India is that they serve Yeti beer.  The Yeti, while a very tasty beer, takes no prisoners.  A few years back I knocked down a few Yeti at an Indian restaurant and could barely see straight.

Overall, for taste and selection, I give Taste of India one and a half thumbs up.  The half thumb is for the deplorable kitchen and shitter.  Someone needs to post this on Yelp for me.  I'd do it myself but I'm a big picture guy and can't be bothered with details.

Had a Little Whoopsie-Daisy

The above is a photo of what started my undoing yesterday.  After three days of being a stud at the gym and at the dining table, I had very sore legs so I decided not to work out.  Not working out is one thing but then going and eating four tons of sushi is another.  I figured the sushi isn't so bad, just one lunch, so when I got home I decided to have a glass of Dashwood Sauvignon blanc and that's when things went south.  After a couple of glasses I did the fatal " day of being free won't hurt" so I had more wine, then some brownies (multiple), then some Trader Joes Parmesan crisps...then bed.  We can just consider yesterday a learning experience.

On the exercise front, I keep threatening to sign up for the OC half marathon but I'm trying to figure out how I can train for that thing and continue to ride Serena to work most days.  The problem is, my legs get sore as hell if I'm running AND riding the bike so I haven't worked out a solution yet.  I didn't ride today and I'm going to try a long run tomorrow to see what happens.  I need to make sure I remember to lube my nipples and asscrack so I don't get the long run chaffing that comes with a first time out six miler.

Stay tuned!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Official Tire Changing Time: 15 Minutes

I finally got up the old 'Sackaroo' to go out to the parking lot here at the workplace and change Serena's flat tire.  Here she is...on her back.  The clock was running at this point and my hands were dirty.

Innertube replaced, tire going back on the rim, pump in hand ready to get pumping.  I was filthy at this point but I timed it just right for a trip to the gym so I could workout and then take a vigorous shower.

There she is.  Dirty as hell (which is how I likes 'em) but good as new.  I keep thinking there's a very slight wobble in the tire but I can't really tell for sure.  Could be that the wheel needs to be trued or it could just be my insane paranoia.  Good thing is, Mark is riding with me today so I'll take off when he leaves to ensure I've got a riding partner on the SART.  From flipping Serena on her back, to pumping about 180 times, to wiping up, total time was 15 minutes.  Not bad when you're talking about working on the rear end!

Good Article

I've decided I'm going to start posting links and whatnot to blogs and websites I find helpful so the Gut Chronicles doesn't consist entirely of my bike rides, what I'm eating, and my bowel movement schedule.  Every day I check Summer Tomato to see what San Francisco based scientist, Dr. Darya Pino has to say about improving one's 'Healthstyle' (her term).  Darya seems to always give good advice and good tips on living healthy that frequently go against common beliefs such as the 'benefits' of eating enough protein to kill a buffalo, etc.  She's into locally grown organics, young, smart, and great at responding to comments.  Her post today was on the top 10 most overrated health foods.  Check it out....

Top 10 Most Overrated Health Foods


Yes loyal Gut Chronicles readers, this morning, after my green smoothie, I got another flat.  Luckily for me, this time the flat didn't happen on the SART, instead, when I came out of the gym after my shower, I noticed a flat. I had to walk Serena 1/4 mile to work but now I'm sitting here with the knowledge that I have to change my rear wheel tire in my work clothes at some point this morning.  This my friends is a total bitch for me!

This is my 3rd flat in about a year and, according to my research, that's a pretty average number so I guess its something I'm just going to have to learn to get good at.  As is the case with all learning, I went to YouTube to get instruction on how to change the rear wheel and the best methodology for changing a flat tire (see below).  Once I get the gumption up to go out and change my mother scratching tire again, I'll time it and let everyone know how I did.

Rear wheel vid:

And the tire changing vid:

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Mid Day Update...

Today for my lunch workout I planned to time myself running three miles.  Mark, an avid runner, was to be my pace man to keep me honest and worry about pace while I just lugged along like some kind of spastic turdbot (The Oxford dictionary will be adding turdbot in its 2013 edition).  I planned on taking the easy way out, hooking up the iPod and running on a treadmill in the nice climate controlled gym but Mark insisted we take to the SART and run like men. Yes folks, the SART isn't just for biking, you can do all sorts of things on it like bike, run, walk, spray paint, drink 40's of Olde English 800, and even live!

I haven't run in a few weeks and I've gotta tell you it wasn't pleasant but I was able to complete my three miler with a time of 28:22 (9:40 mile pace).  Mark was a big help in making sure I met my pace goal by offering me words of encouragement, told me to stay on his shoulder to keep close to my pace goal, and farting incessantly while making comments like "Ooof!  More tea vicar?" and "Mate, don't you worry, there's plenty more where that came from".  What a pal.  Overall I'm pleased I actually measured myself but its depressing that just two years ago I ran a half marathon at a pace of 9:06 so I've got my work cut out for me.

After sauna and shower time back at the gym (where Mark hopefully wiped his ass), I headed to El Polo Loco since I forgot my healthy lunch.  Yes, El Polo Loco is fast food but they do have a couple of healthy solutions that are quite tasty so I chose the 'Skinless Breast Combo' with no salad dressing.  Thus far, today has been a triumph so I'm feeling good about my progress.

El Polo Loco Skinless Breast Meal nutritional data.  Pretty freaking healthy for fast food:


There was no bike ride today since I had a tax appointment this morning but the good news is, I was well behaved and very physical yesterday so I lost three pounds in one day.  Yes, I realize its only one day and I need to partially divorce myself from my near addiction to wine, but I'm proud and feeling like a champ.  One day down....784 more to go to reach my goal weight.

To celebrate my one day of greatness, I started off the morning with one of my wife's patented green smoothies.  Yes, the picture above shows that this morning's smoothie was not green but gray, but who cares, it was good and it was loaded with spinach, spirulina, grapes, some banana, and one or two other things that I can't remember.  On top of the green/gray smoothie, I decided I needed some Mayan superfood to top it all off so I took a heaping spoon full of organic cacao, straight, no mixing, like a man.  As usual, the cacao had an immediate effect and I punched the air fifty or sixty times, ripped two huge farts (the second one was quite a bit more wet than would normally be acceptable), and shouted "AAAAGGGHHHHH YEAH!  MAYAN SUPERFOOD!" at which point my youngest daughter ran into the room and acted like she was punching me in the balls.  After that, I was raring to go.

On the fitness front, today I plan to time myself running three miles.  I packed my GPS watch and I'll most likely have Mark driving me to put up a great time for a guy who weighs a metric ton.

Fitness is a journey folks, not a destination.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Beware Quinoa


I was just sitting here, feeling proud of myself for a great workout at lunch, ready to eat my healthy lunch of mahi mahi, peas, and quinoa.  I took a huge mouthful of quinoa and it was so mother-scratching hot that the inside of my mouth reached the same temp as one of those giant ovens that melts steel.  F8cking hell man!  Quinoa is delish and its really good for you but watch out for that stuff, it'll get you in a bad way if you're not careful.

Consider yourselves warned.

Getting Back On It

Last night was a huge rain and hail storm that made me think the apocalypse was upon us but we made it through.  Undaunted by the wet conditions and filled with resolve to get my ass back on track, I took to the SART again this morning for my bike commute to work.  As you can see, the mighty SART was flowing with water from the storm.  The problem was, I got extremely wet and dirty from all the water and debris on the trail and there were several times where water was splashing up in my face going through the underpasses when I was convinced that said water was bum pee I was probably contracting conjunctivitis from a bum's dick.  Makes me sad.

On to bigger and better things.  I weighed in this morning, had a healthy smoothie made of spinach, Greek yogurt, spirulina, and all sorts of other goodness.  I plan on making some changes that should get me back on the right path to fitness.  Mainly:

  • Consume more water - I've been bad about that
  • No snacking or drinking booze during the week
  • Start bringing a healthy lunch to work again
I realize this is the 453rd time I've decided to 'get back on track', but dammit, this $hit is tough!

Sunday, March 25, 2012


This is the wife's full vegan butternut squash soup. I'm having it as my starter. After great deliberation this weekend, I've decided tomorrow begins a new fitness and nutrition awakening. For the 36th time in the past year. Sweet f@ck please let me stick with it.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Fantasy Baseball Draft Central

There will be no exercise today.  Its Fantasy Baseball draft day

Friday, March 23, 2012

Oh Joy

Here's me at John Wayne airport getting ready for a day trip to the bay area.  Knowing that I'll be treated like human livestock at two different airports in one day fills me with so much joy!  Why, its barely 5:00am and I've already had another man rub my junk and my ass...can't wait to see what else the day has in store for me.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Someone Needs to Hit the Reset Button

I got on the scale this morning and realized the number is creeping up and by creeping up, I mean skyrocketing.  I've been a complete lazy swine for the past couple of weeks and I'm paying for it.  My diet has consisted largely of wine, Triscuts, cheese and Circus Animal cookies.  Speaking of the Circus Animals...what the f*ck are those things anyway?  I just realized last night as I was downing a handful that they're not even food.  Look at them?  Sweet mother of crap what am I putting into my system?

Yes indeed folks, its time to do a full reset.  I looked back on the early stages of the Gut Chronicles and I was on a serious roll, now I'm just a lazy blob with a cold who's feeling sorry for himself.  Its time to start getting at it and posting stats again.


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Fear and Loathing

Not only is my motivation level at an all time low, I have a pretty decent cold going.  I didn't ride Serena to work today but I think I'll hit the gym.  Eating habits have sunk to a new low with all the junk food I have at the house after a visit from the family.  Needless to say, I need to get my shiat together.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

March Badness


I realize its March Madness right now and since its been raining all weekend long and I likes sports and whatnot, I thought it would be cool to do an update to the ol' Gut Chronicles that was basketball centered.  So when I went to search for a basketball image I realized that my page views go up when I have some sexiness on the site so I searched for 'hot basketball girl' and this photo of some sexy Asian gal with big cans throwing out the first pitch came up in the millions of pictures and everyone knows that if there are two things I like, its baseball and sexy Asian gals with big boobies so....she had me at konichiwa!

Wait a minute?  What was I doing again?  Oh yeah, there's a college basketball tourney going on and, even though I know nothing about college hoops I'm doing pretty good so here are my pics for the remainder of the day since I will not be riding and I certainly won't be eating healthy:

N. Carolina (-9.5) vs Creightion - North Carolina is a cool place and Creighton is in Omaha which is a city that I think of as nothing more than a place I have to go so I can get to the casinos at Council Bluff's, Iowa.  Take North Carolina -9.5

Xavier (-4) vs. Lehigh - My buddy Dan got his MBA at Xavier.  It's St. Patrick's Day weekend and that means people sing 'Oh Dany Boy'.  Lehigh is in Pennsylvania and ugly chicks come from PA.  Take the Xavier Musketeers -4

Florida State (-2.5) vs Cincinnati - My buddy Dave lives in Cincinnati.  Florida State is the home of Jenn Sterger.  Jenn Sterger is the attention whore who made it so I had to hear about stupid Brett Favre's pecker for months on end a while back so I can't stand Jenn Sterger and therefore Florida State sucks.  Take Cincinnati +2.5

South Florida (-2) vs Ohio - Ohio is a total Cinderella team and they'll probably get stomped but I don't care, take them anyway.  Ohio +2

There are other games but I'm hungry.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Gut Chronicles is Officially Sponsored

Yes folks, that is a new helmet on my ruggedly handsome head and it was given to me by none other than Captain Tim himself.  I realized if this was the Huffington Post or Sp@nkwire or some other uber-well known and reputable site, a used helmet wouldn't constitute a sponsorship.  But this is The Gut Chronicles and we likes to keep it real here so the used helmet officially constitutes a corporate sponsorship by Captain Tim's Wine Country Air Tours "Where you get high BEFORE you drink!" (copyright 2012).

My previous helmet was a 17 year old jobber that looked like something you'd put on a hyperactive kid to keep him from smashing his noggin at the playground so this ultra cool Specialized S-Works Prevail helmet is a serious step up for me:

I don't know what the S in S Works stands for but I'm guessing it stands for 'Sextastic' because when I wore it this morning some hot chick saw me riding along and she took off her shirt and threw her bra at me!  True Story! (Ok, really it was a bum on the SART and he threw his dirty grundies at me but still..)

Captain Tim likes to do everything first class apparently because the reviews on this badass helmet are 4.5 out of 5 stars on Cycling News and showers the helmet with praises like:

"Superb ventilation, lightweight and an excellent fit, with keen styling to boot"

Yes, I have been accused of 'keen styling' in the past so this helmet is the right one for me!

Big shout out to Captain Tim!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Serena Takes Flight!

I haven't ridden Serena for several days (lazy and had commitments and travel) but last weekend my girls gave me this alien head bike accessory with light up eyes so I knew I needed to get that sucker attached and get my ass back on the SART.  Today was the day I would make my unannounced return.

It should be noted that the SART is basically a cement trench that runs through much of north Orange County and, as such, is ignored by most of the citizens and police so its treated like a lawless rut that cuts its way through an otherwise civilized area.  So, as expected, after a week of me not patrolling the SART, sh!t was already starting to spiral out of control so its a good thing I'm back on it to be a one man force of good.

Before I was even on the SART, I was able to catch the longest traffic light on the planet during its green phase so I sped up to make sure I made it through.  Upon reaching the intersection some migrant worker trying to make a left in a huge Chevy pickup nearly hit me.  I made eye contact with him, slowly made my way in front of him so he could clearly see the alien head on the back of my bike, and kept on pedaling.  Lucky for me, this near miss with the migrant worker's truck got my senses on full alert for what was to come.

Once I hit the SART I stopped briefly to get my ipod out and get the tunes going (safety tunes while  riding on actual streets).  While I was stopped, a roadie slowed down to ask me if everything was ok and I confirmed I was good and thanked my fellow SART brethren for making sure I wasn't in distress and then I rode on.

Everything was going good until I hit the Fifth Street underpass and that's when the piss almost hit the fan.  The incident I'm about to describe took less than three seconds but the terror and triumph of the whole incident seemed to last an eternity:

  • .000 seconds - upon hitting the 5th street underpass downgrade I looked up into the bum living quarters area and noticed bum legs in a standing position, a massive river of fluid running down the side of the retaining wall to a massive body of bum piss covering both lanes of the SART directly in front of me.  Sure, I've run over my share of bum piss pools in my day but if the average piss pool were compared to a glass of water, the piss pool blocking my path was the equivalent of Lake Michigan.
  • .010 seconds -  Terror strikes.  Heart rate elevates to about 180 bpm.  Mind registers that, when wearing my gps watch, I average about 24mph on the downgrades.
  • .020 seconds - Terror is elevated when my brain confirms that I will not be able to avoid pool of fresh bum piss
  • .050 seconds -  My life begins to flash before my eyes and I have a sense of doom
  • .7 seconds - I get increasingly closer to said pool of bum piss at an increasing rate of speed and life continues to flash before my eyes
  • 1 second - As life flashes before my eyes, I quickly pause at memories circa 1983 of my brother and I doing bunny hops up to the curb on his badass Schwinn Predator BMX bike
  • 1.38 seconds - Brain registers an idea.  Must bunny hop over massive pool of bum piss
  • 1.77 seconds - Brain rapidly calculates that it has been well over 25 years since last full speed bunny hop.  Bike weight roughly triple that of 1983 Schwinn Predator.  Body weight +150 pounds since 1983.  Level of total fitness grossly lower than back in 1983.  Calculation complete
  • 2 seconds - Brain sends signal to entire body.  ELEVATE NOW!!! ENGAGE BUNNY HOP TO AVOID GIANT POOL OF FRESH BUM PISS!!!!
  • 2.08 seconds - Bunny hop initiated.  At this point, something amazing happened.  I executed a bunny hop that would have made Torker the Barbarian (awesome 80's BMX reference) himself proud.  My bunny hop, a day before my 41st birthday, not only easily cleared the entire ocean of bum piss but I had enough air time to stick my tongue out like Gene Simmons and do a full radical leg kick while chucking the deuce at the pissing bum before I safely landed on dry ground (I didn't actually do these mid-air tricks, but I could have).  It was awesome, I was clear!  There would be no bum piss on me or Serena on this morning!
  • 2.86 seconds - Land, smile, fist pump, keep riding

Torker the Barbarian in all his badass greatness back in the '80s

After clearing the bum piss, I felt invigorated and like I was king of the world and I pedaled on, unmolested, all the way to the gym where dirty old men stare at me when I'm naked.  Few things are as satisfying as doing something totally kickass before 8:00am.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Mayan Superfood is the New Black!

The wife is on a health food vibe so she loaded up on some wild stuff this week while I was on the road.  Two of the items she purchased were Wildcrafted Goji berries (from China) and Cacao nibs which, as you can see in the photo, are classified as "Mayan Superfood".

This morning, the missus threw some kale, spirulina, OJ, water, ice, and goji berries into the Vitamix 5200 and let'er rip.  The concoction, while quite earthy tasting, was good, and just to top it off, I grabbed a handful of Cacao nibs and threw them in my mouth.  The sensation I had upon tasting this unholy blend was similar to when He-Man would yell 'By the Power of Greyskull and all hell would break loose with lightning bolts and whatnot.  I had to stomp my foot a couple of times and then just wildly started punching at the air for no reason at all other than I felt compelled to do it because of the sudden, overwhelming sensation of power I had.  Oddly enough, my sister came in the room, took a slug of her portion of the power beverage (she didn't throw back the Mayan Superfood...that was only for me) and she too had a sudden fit of mock combat against an unseen enemy.  What the hell is in that stuff?  Its the real deal!

Flash forward to now...

For the past five hours, I have had rancid, loud farts like nobody's business.  We're talking DEFCON 1, pure evil coming out of my ass in high volumes at all times.  One can only assume that whatever the wife put into the smoothies she made this morning with the addition of Mayan Superfood has the octane level of jet fuel and the radioactive half life of plutonium.  Sweet mercy I am a walking gas-bag.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Sweet F*ck It's Cold!

Today has been a real shit sandwich so far and it doesn't look like its getting any better.  Work has been lame, Arsenal wasn't on TV at lunch and they ended up losing after it looked like they might shock the world and advance in Champion's League Play, and now its cold and windy outside and looking like its going to rain any minute.  I need to fight through it like the pillar of greatness I am.

Holy Quinoa!

This weekend, my sister, who is an actress, was over at my place making funny talk about her favorite vegan bakeries and restaurants, and yoga, and products that make her poo like blocks of Jell-O and I tuned in when I hear her mention Quinoa.  I've heard of quinoa before (pronounced Keen-WAAAA) but have never had it.  I don't know if it was a combination of me being semi drunk or just my natural sense of adventure but once I heard my sis going on about the greatness of quinoa, I ordered my wife to buy some at once (that's not how it happened but that's how I remember it).

Flash forward to last night when I got home and my wife had purchased this sack of quinoa (above) and was preparing it so we could have it for dinner.  To my surprise, quinoa is fan-f@cking-tastic!  This stuff is high in protein and would be something you'd have instead of a starch like rice or potato, etc.  I'm sure there are other uses for it than just a side dish but I'm not ready to go full hipster yet.  According to the package, quinoa comes from Bolivia, and let me tell you, other than the burrito, and the soccer fans below, quinoa has to be the greatest invention Bolivia has given our planet!

Open up your trap and put some quinoa in it todaaaaaay!

Nutritional value:

Monday, March 5, 2012

Chubbs Spectacular!

I'm starting to feel like the Lindsay Lohan of fitness and nutrition.  In and out of rehab and whatnot...never fully getting on track.  (Yes, I realize that last bit was a pathetic cry for help, but hey, that's just how I'm feeling).

The photo above was my lunch on Friday after a three mile run that felt like I was going to drop dead.  You'll note its all healthy stuff...wheat bread, turkey, veggies, and no mayo...problem is it was a full twelve incher (insert joke) and probably damn near a thousand calories.

On the exercise front, my only exercise this weekend was a four mile bike ride with my kids.  Problem there was at the two mile point, we stopped and got ice cream.  See where I'm going here?  I tend to sabotage myself.  On the positive front, I rode to work again today and was feeling good so I've got that going for me.  I'm being bugged about signing up for the OC half marathon in two months and I need to make that a goal so I can get running again and hopefully get myself to the point where I can run a full 13.1 miles.

And this ends the worst blog post in history.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Breakfast De Los Championes

Nothing says eating healthy in Mexico like finishing off a trip with this nice big plate of eggs and tortillas topped off with some ground up pig guts.