I haven't ridden Serena for several days (lazy and had commitments and travel) but last weekend my girls gave me this alien head bike accessory with light up eyes so I knew I needed to get that sucker attached and get my ass back on the SART. Today was the day I would make my unannounced return.
It should be noted that the SART is basically a cement trench that runs through much of north Orange County and, as such, is ignored by most of the citizens and police so its treated like a lawless rut that cuts its way through an otherwise civilized area. So, as expected, after a week of me not patrolling the SART, sh!t was already starting to spiral out of control so its a good thing I'm back on it to be a one man force of good.
Before I was even on the SART, I was able to catch the longest traffic light on the planet during its green phase so I sped up to make sure I made it through. Upon reaching the intersection some migrant worker trying to make a left in a huge Chevy pickup nearly hit me. I made eye contact with him, slowly made my way in front of him so he could clearly see the alien head on the back of my bike, and kept on pedaling. Lucky for me, this near miss with the migrant worker's truck got my senses on full alert for what was to come.
Once I hit the SART I stopped briefly to get my ipod out and get the tunes going (safety first...no tunes while riding on actual streets). While I was stopped, a roadie slowed down to ask me if everything was ok and I confirmed I was good and thanked my fellow SART brethren for making sure I wasn't in distress and then I rode on.
Everything was going good until I hit the Fifth Street underpass and that's when the piss almost hit the fan. The incident I'm about to describe took less than three seconds but the terror and triumph of the whole incident seemed to last an eternity:
- .000 seconds - upon hitting the 5th street underpass downgrade I looked up into the bum living quarters area and noticed bum legs in a standing position, a massive river of fluid running down the side of the retaining wall to a massive body of bum piss covering both lanes of the SART directly in front of me. Sure, I've run over my share of bum piss pools in my day but if the average piss pool were compared to a glass of water, the piss pool blocking my path was the equivalent of Lake Michigan.
- .010 seconds - Terror strikes. Heart rate elevates to about 180 bpm. Mind registers that, when wearing my gps watch, I average about 24mph on the downgrades.
- .020 seconds - Terror is elevated when my brain confirms that I will not be able to avoid pool of fresh bum piss
- .050 seconds - My life begins to flash before my eyes and I have a sense of doom
- .7 seconds - I get increasingly closer to said pool of bum piss at an increasing rate of speed and life continues to flash before my eyes
- 1 second - As life flashes before my eyes, I quickly pause at memories circa 1983 of my brother and I doing bunny hops up to the curb on his badass Schwinn Predator BMX bike
- 1.38 seconds - Brain registers an idea. Must bunny hop over massive pool of bum piss
- 1.77 seconds - Brain rapidly calculates that it has been well over 25 years since last full speed bunny hop. Bike weight roughly triple that of 1983 Schwinn Predator. Body weight +150 pounds since 1983. Level of total fitness grossly lower than back in 1983. Calculation complete
- 2 seconds - Brain sends signal to entire body. ELEVATE NOW!!! ENGAGE BUNNY HOP TO AVOID GIANT POOL OF FRESH BUM PISS!!!!
- 2.08 seconds - Bunny hop initiated. At this point, something amazing happened. I executed a bunny hop that would have made Torker the Barbarian (awesome 80's BMX reference) himself proud. My bunny hop, a day before my 41st birthday, not only easily cleared the entire ocean of bum piss but I had enough air time to stick my tongue out like Gene Simmons and do a full radical leg kick while chucking the deuce at the pissing bum before I safely landed on dry ground (I didn't actually do these mid-air tricks, but I could have). It was awesome, I was clear! There would be no bum piss on me or Serena on this morning!
- 2.86 seconds - Land, smile, fist pump, keep riding
Torker the Barbarian in all his badass greatness back in the '80s
After clearing the bum piss, I felt invigorated and like I was king of the world and I pedaled on, unmolested, all the way to the gym where dirty old men stare at me when I'm naked. Few things are as satisfying as doing something totally kickass before 8:00am.