Day 26a: POWER BREAKFAST!!!

Day 26: Exercising Family Style

I got my ass outta bed this morning and was in no mood whatsoever to exercise. After having a cup of coffee and dropping a deuce that will live in legend and folklore forever, I settled into a comfortable chair to check fantasy baseball, waste time on Facebook, and convince myself that I had exercised enough this week.

Lucky for me, my youngest daughter wasn't about to let her old man puss out on his Saturday run. Within ten minutes of me starting my slow slide into a slothful, exercise free Saturday, my kid was out of bed and telling me she wanted to ride her bike while I ran. I took my daughter's smiling face and sparkling eyes as a sign that I should get up, put m'shoes on, and take to the trail. The video above is my pre-run pep talk

Here we are at the half way point. I'm pretty sure my hart rate was at about 372bpm. My daughter was still raring to go and there was no backing out now since I still had to run my ass back. I was feeling good. As a side note, check out the old lady who's wearing Hulk hands who comes walking into the shot. Strange!

After 45 minutes, we made it home. Here's the kiddo's take on my run and her ride. Let me tell you something, I feel embarrassed to say I'm proud of myself for running behind a six year old girl on a bike for 45 minutes, but that little nugget can ride! Sweet mother of crap, towards the end, I kept having to tell her to slow the hell down so I could catch up! Ultimately, going for a run with my kid was awesome. It really broke up the monotony of my workouts, we got to bond, and I got my exercise in before I had a chance to talk myself out of it. Quest for Thunderlips The Ultimate Male is alive and well!

As a side note, if you're a single guy out there and you want to meet some ladies, go for a run with a cute little six year old girl riding her girlie bike in front of you...apparently chicks SERIOUSLY dig that.

Day 25: The Funk Has Hit Me!

As seen in this highly artistic photo I call 'Train Tracks to Nowhere', It was a lonely and dreary morning on the SART.

When I woke up this morning, I felt completely unmotivated to ride in to work. Luckily, my lovely wife's gentle motivation gave me the lift I needed to climb in the saddle and ride like the wind. The conversation was as follows:

Me (laying in bed being lazy): "I don't think I'm going to ride in this morning"
Wife (with a look of surprise on her face): "WHY NOT?!?"

The translation of my wife's comment was "Hey chubby, get your fat ass out of bed, get on that bike of yours and pedal yourself to work!" Fair enough, just because I don't wanna doesn't mean I shouldn't.

Soon after I started my ride, I saw some gal walking her Paris Hilton style dog. Normally this wouldn't be anything to write about, but said gal was wearing nothing but a t-shirt (I'm guessing she had undergarments on as well). Seeing t-shirt wearing dog walker chick was awesome but the rest of the ride in was pedestrian by my standards. Nevertheless, I still managed to work up a good sweat and feel good about myself. The action at the gym in the men's locker room was lively. Some old fart was yelling (and I do mean yelling) at two other dudes about social security and the current debt crisis. Of course, as is typical with old men in the gym, this whole shouting match was taking place less than an arm's length apart, in the nude, old balls all hangin down to their knees, just gross. Maybe if all political debates took place with old naked men shouting at each other, things would get done more quickly....who knows!

I'm glad its the weekend because my nutrition and exercise routine is kind of starting to wear on me. When I did some research last night on my Internet machine, the mighty world wide web told me that I need to 'spice it up' or 'mix things up' or 'make a change' so this weekend, I'm going to figure out some different stuff to do so I can keep meself motivated and continue full steam ahead on my quest to be Thunderlips, the Ultimate Male.

Somethin for the Ladies

Here's me in the weight room all by myself. My explosive power and manly ways scared everyone else away.

Support System

I came into the office all serious and lame and then I saw Koko, always upbeat and positive. Koko gave me the big thumbs up and said 'Good morning Boss!'. Awesome. She's on my side.

One major challenge today is that the In N Out truck will be here for a charity fundraiser....must avoid

The Morning Feed

Thunderlips cubicle style

I have arrived at work. It is critical for me to get my morning caloric intake before the first meeting. Its not even food anymore, just fuel.

Day 24: Rapid Fire 5000

I was tapped for lunch yesterday by the boss and as the day progressed it became clear that today will be a suckfest of meetings and me dancing like a monkey for 'business partners'. Since I won't have time to spend crafting a wonderful post on what I ate last night and what my nads feel like, I'll be trying rapid fire posting throughout the day. POW POW! Like Chuck Norris, just coming at you like an out of control barrage of fists and feet! The spell check will be off and the action will be ON! Time to duct tape your ass shut so your poop chute doesn't blow out from excitement!

Day 23: Cookie Challenge Bested!

Here's me this morning, getting ready to ride into work!

Truth be told, I didn't ride into work this am because me legs are tired and I've got some serious chaffing going on in the undercarriage. So, ultimately I decided to give the SART a break. One thing I did notice yesterday on the SART is that the senoritas are out in full force trying to tone it up on the SART. Many of them look like they're built for hard labor, but still, I'm proud of the female patrons of the SART, its nice to have something to look at other than hobos and guys who take bike riding more serious than life itself.

As far as last night goes, I had zero cookies and zero cake (the wife baked) so I'm proud of myself. On the bad side, in order to stop myself from indulging in baked goods, I had a fair amount of vino. Oh well, the French live forever so it can't be all that bad.


Food journal from yesterday:

Breakfast - Cottage cheese and peaches
Snack - handful of almonds
Lunch - Turkey breast stuffed bell pepper
Dinner - 4% lean ground beef patty with a small amount of swiss cheese and grilled veggies
Extras - three glasses of red wine (read to mean a whole bottle)

Exercise:

• 7 mile ride to work on the SART


• 20 minutes of inense interval training on the treadmill at lunch followed by stretching and light ab work


• 7 mile ride home on the SART

EVENING NEWS FLASH! DANGER THUNDERLIPS! DANGER!

I got home tonight to find the above scene. While I appreciate the wife making baked goods, I'm feeling like a crack whore who just got out of rehab....I want them cookies. I know what you're saying...'Oh Jon-O, one wont hurt you. Just have a cookie and stop." WRONG. Those of you who know me well fully understand that there is no one cookie with me. I have to have all the cookies. ALL OF THEM DAMIT!

Hopefully I can avoid the temptation.

On the other hand, who wants to bet me that I can't gain back all 13 pounds tonight?

Day 22: Scoreboard Day!

OK, I know everyone's dying to know how I did this week in my quest for Thunderlips, the Ultimate Male status, but I need to start by sharing something deeply personal and strange that happened this morning. First off, from the moment I woke up, I had that song 'Head to Toe' by Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam stuck in my head on permanent loop. While I realize Lisa Lisa was most likely the inspiration for all 'Big Naturals' websites that sprang up in the years closely following Lisa Lisa's short career, I hated that song and still hate it today. Why the hell was it in my head? Its like I'm on the meth or something. The Lisa Lisa song stuck in my head was bad enough, but then I let a huge fart (I'm not talking one of those old man long and lingering 60% fart, 40% poop kind of farts, I'm talking about a proud to be an American trumpet blast that can be heard 60 yards away). A huge fart for me in the am is nothing to write home about, in fact, I'm known for my awesome morning thunder. The thing that was so crazy about this fart is that it smelled EXACTLY like a cheeseburger and I haven't had a cheeseburger in weeks. I don't mean is smelled like a fart that came from someone who had cheeseburgers, I mean this sucker smelled like a full blown, bun, sauce, onion, lettuce, tomato, fresh cooked cheeseburger. It was the type of fart that, if I still had a dog, the dog would have come running into the bathroom, drooling and licking its chops. Man it was a strange morning....Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam songs and farts that smell like cheeseburgers, what the hell is that all about!

Now that the details of my morning have been discussed, let's go to the scale shall we? I stripped down, hopped on the scale this am and it showed that in the last week, I've dropped.....

3 Pounds!

Considering I spent three of the seven days this week on a business trip where I was in a car or eating bad food much of the time, I'll take the three pounds. I realize I'm going on week two of losers limp, but that's kind of the name of the game when you spend a lot of time on the road. That brings my total weight loss in three weeks to 13 pounds. As stated yesterday, I'm in town all week so I hope to put up some big numbers by the next scoreboard (big meaning 5 or more pounds).

ps. The photo above is me, post ride on the SART this am. There wasn't much interesting to take pictures of, so I thought I'd give you all a nice glimpse of my lame helmet. I need a new helmet bad but I'm not looking to drop $60 on something that will do the same thing that my existing helmet does.

Comment Action

I was informed today by one of my esteemed readers that one was required to register in order to post comments on the gut chronicles. I have now changed that and anyone can post with no registraton, so comment away. Just remember, deep down inside, I'm sensitive and my feelings can get hurt. I just want to be held.

Day 21: Contest on Gut Chronicles!

I realized this morning as I started my ride into work that I've had my bike for a few months now and I still haven't named her. For most folks, having a no-name bike is no big deal but for me, its a huge problem because I pretty much name everything I own. So, I've decided I need a name for me bike. Currently the front runners are 'Black Beauty', 'Hobo Hassler', 'SARTmaster General', and just plain old 'Turbo'. Since I'm still undecided on the name for my bike, I thought I'd ask my legions of loyal fans (approx 10 people) to weigh in and suggest names. So, there's my bike above. She's a Specialized Crosstrail with an attached Topeak Explorer bike rack and Topeak MTX Explorer bike bag with fully expandable dual panniers capable of holding all my crap (towel, computer, clothes, shoes, lunch, etc.). Essentially, she's a steel framed honey with 24 speeds of 'once you go black, you never go back' greatness. Now name my bike!

On the Quest for Thunderlips front, I'm in town this entire week so I'm dead set on lots of exercise and perfect nutrition. Being home for a full week is a rarity for me so I want to make the most of it. On top of that, my pants are starting to feel a bit loose and I don't feel like I'm going to die every time I ride to work. I think this program is starting to pay off. Who ever would have guessed that not eating like a pig every day and working out would make you lose weight? CRAZY!

ps. I realize I keep getting the day number screwed up but its hard to keep track. What am I, a human f*cking calculator? Leave me alone.

Day 17: New and Improved With Video!!!!

This morning I decided to let my girls ride with me while I ran the Santiago Creek Trail. Motivation to exercise was extremely low so I needed something to entertain me and break up the monotony. The above video is Akemi, giving me a pep talk before we took off on our run/ride.

We got underway and I was feeling good. About a mile and a half into the run, I was huffin and puffin but I still kept'er going.

When it was all said and done, I put in about four miles with the kids in tow. I wouldn't say it was the most strenuous workout in history but I got it done and had some good bonding time with the girls. Now I'm sitting here, in my own sweat, blogging while the smell of my egg white omelet fills the air and mingles with the pungent odor of ballsweat....ahhh, the perfect Sunday!

Day ?: Bay Area Blitz

My millions of fans are probably wondering where I've been for the past two days and the answer is...San Francisco Bay area. This was a two day business trip which meant lots of time in the car, some pretty bad food, and probably too much booze. I managed to get a workout in, but other than that, I didn't quite make it happen with the old Quest for Thunderlips. For instance, take my airport lunch as seen above. Tempura udon. Good stuff to be sure and by the taste of it, I'm guessing its under 1,000 calories but well over 500. Another example, last night at the Giants game, I had a hot dog...and garlic fries...and peanuts...and four ice cold Budweisers. I'm not feeling great about it, but what can I say, sometimes life gets in your way. The important thing is that I'll be in town for a full week next week so I can forgeddabout the last two days and focus on being badass.

Day 16: Oh My Aching Crotch...

I had to take the day off from riding today because it feels like someone took a power sander to the area between m'legs. No worries though, the nutrition is on track and I'm planning a massive upper body workout at lunch. I should probably alert the gym because once I start going on the bench press, the testosterone that flows from my body is so powerful that anyone who's ovulating should stay at least 50 feet away from me or run the risk of getting knocked up just from my manly aura. Better make that call now....

Food Journal from Yesterday:
Breakfast - Flaxcakes and raspberries

Lunch - An apple. This is bad, but I felt something crazy happening in my gut so I didn't want to risk it

Snack before soccer game - Swiss cheese and some almonds

Dinner - Lean pot roast, peas, carrots, onions

Night snack - half a peach

Workout from yesterday:
Two seven mile bike rides
One hour long frenzy of running up and down a soccer field trying to coach a girls U6 team.

Day 15: Scoreboard Time

SART Art....Jon-O, the shadow rider, a monument of testosterone and greatness. Today was a triumphant day as I met Mark on the SART for a team ride to the office. First, some homeless dude who's always in the same spot just before I get on the trail waved to me. Clearly we're bonding. I chucked him the deuce and kept pedaling. Then, once I made it to the rendezvous point to meet Mark, it was less than a minute before we crossed paths. Clearly Mark and I have coordinated our timing to pinpoint accuracy. Mark had a big win today as well. While I am trying to get myself to the point where Chinese folks don't yell "CLOSE THE F*CKING BUFFET!" when I walk into the restaurant, Mark is trying to get below 180 (five pounds less than he is now). So as we began to ride together, Mark proudly announced to me that he was, for the first time in well over a year, busting out his size 32 waist, ultra skinny, black jeans. What a day...

OK, on to the scoreboard. This am I got back on the scale to see what the damage was after a trip to Japan and a weekend in Napa (both locations involved me eating constantly and having lots of wine and beer). As luck would have it, the scale showed that I had lost.....(drumroll)

2 Pounds!

Granted, a two pound loss in one week isn't setting the world on fire, but when you consider the circumstances, I'm going to put one in the win column for myself this past week*. The two pounds from last week brings my total weight loss to 10 pounds in two weeks. Not bad.

Food journal from yesterday:

Breakfast: Trader Joes lite cottage cheese and berries
Lunch: Chicken breast and a small amount of rice
Dinner: Grilled steak and shrimp with asparagus
Water: 3.5 litres
Extras: Two glasses of red wine

* My scoreboard methodology is to get out of bed on Tuesday mornings, and stand on the same scale, naked as the day I was born.

There she is baby...

The locker of doom. After a ride into work and a full workout at lunch, it now smells like hot garbage, dog balls, and poop. My locker is the most manly place on the planet

Day 14: Back on Track

OK...the trip to Japan and the Napa weekend are over so its time to go full speed ahead again. Here's yours truly this am, on the SART, looking worn out and white. I felt like a pile of dog doo this morning and was about 70% sure I'd soil my spandex on the ride into work, but after I got going, I was feeling good and my bowels stopped threatening to unleash.

On the ride in, I saw that the cops were busting up the hobo shantytown under the McFadden bridge. Homeless dudes were wandering around yelling curses into the air and teenage boys (presumably juvenile delinquents) were wearing hazmat suits and cleaning up all the disgusting hobo trash and whatnot. After that, I almost introduced some a$$hole's pug to my foot because that little ankle biter was growling and getting up in my business. Luckily for the pug, he backed off just in time. As a side note, I never can understand why anyone would want a pug. Those are some ugly dogs and they all have that gross protruding anus that just looks you straight in the eye when they're walking away. Horrible breed the pug, should be eradicated from the planet.

Day 10: Napareeno

There he is folks, the man, the legend making it happen on an early am four mile run in downtown Napa, CA. I didn't work out yesterday (it was either too early or I was too drunk) so I knew I needed to get my ass out of bed and put some pavement under my feet. It's a brisk morning here but overall the run was great and I'm feeling good. I had intended to get back in bed after my shower, but the soap at the inn where we're staying has menthol or something in it so the minute that stuff hit 'Big Jim and the twins', I was wide awake and I'll probably have a spring in my step the entire day.

Yesterday was a day to enjoy myself and I did. However, in spite of the fact that I drank too much wine while tasting and hanging out, I'm feeling great about what I didn't do. I didn't snack on chips all day long, I had a healthy lunch, I didn't freak out anytime I saw snacks that looked good to me and chow down on them, and I had no sugary drinks whatsoever (which is probably why I'm posting to my blog instead of sitting on the toilet blowing my a$$hole out and nursing the worst hangover ever right now). So overall, I had a blast but toned it down from my normal Napa experience. Today I'll be doing a limo tour of a bunch of wineries and eating out but I'll try to do the same thing as yesterday and pass on all the extra stuff.

Food journal from yesterday:

Breakfast - eggwhite scramble with lean ham and some apple

Lunch - Turkey swiss sandwich on sourdough with sprouts, onion, and pickles

Snacks - zero

Water - roughly two litres (should have way more water than that)

Dinner - Margharita pizza appetizer, salume plate, pasta carbonara. So yes, I completely blew it on dinner but it was f*cking good so shoot me!

Booze - lots of wine tasting and two beers.

Day 9: Food For Thought

I'm still up to my nuggets in work so I thought I'd plagerize someone else's stuff. A few months ago, I had the opportunity to get a workout in at Advanced Athlete Strength Training in Seattle, WA with a friend of a friend. There I met (and was abused by) the owner, Dan Potts (seen above...you'll note that most guys in their 50's don't have pipes like that). Dan is a phenominal trainer, world class storyteller, and a great guy. For an hour he ran my ass into the ground. When you go to Dan's gym, you don't see people reading magazines on a fancy electronic stairmaster, you see guys working on regular old equipment, sweating their nads off, and getting healthy (I'm not kidding when I say he works you hard). Since then, Dan and I have stayed in contact and I ask him some questions about health and fitness issues from time to time. When I dropped four pounds after my first day of Quest for Thunderlips The Ultimate Male, I emailed Dan and asked him what he thought about that, if it was healthy, if it was possible, etc. Here is his very insightful reply:

What you experienced is not only possible but very probable. What you experienced was a release of stored fluid, toxins, and fuel that had not been eliminated yet. For someone your size it's common to have a 2-5 lb swing "overnight"due to the body trying to get "clean" and move some toxins and waste products out of the body. That's what your water helped to do....Detoxify!! Pretty good huh? The human body is really forgiving and justs wants to detox and run clean. Now, you're not going to hit those numbers everyday or....every week, and you will plateau as the body figures out what's going on and tries to hang on to some weight, but that usually does not happen until the last 30% needs to go. In the meantime, eat as clean as you can and a volume that makes sense for energy and know it's for the "Long Haul" and do workouts that will allow you to still be working out 10 years from now and not run the risk of "burning out". The food plan on a daily basis is everything. You have to be smart not compulsive, dedicated but not compulsed. Learning and feeling the health of your body emerging and embracing that Healthy Lifestyle is the Key. You can even start to recognize the kind of "Energy" that companies put into the food they sell us. Think about how Bad the energy level is in a Boxed frozen pizza. The intent and energy of the company and it's work force is so bad that no good nutrients can be present in their products. Care enough about yourself that you try and surround yourself with companies andfarmers who actually put good energy into the soil and into their animals and products. When you start looking at it like that, you'll start to recognize those people who have the ability to partner with you in creating and sustaining a healthier You, and you'll be less inclined to give your money, body and energy to those companies who care not what they create for this vital thing called "Your Life". Be particular, be smart....you can do it. I'll help anyway I can. Take care, you're doing great and happy for you!

Dan PottsAdvanced Athlete, LLC

Great email from a great dude. If you're up in Seattle, I highly recommend Dan's services.

Advanced Athlete Strength Training

Dan Potts

Day 9: Back in the Motherland

I'm back from Japan and having to deal with what happens when you're away from work for a few days so this post will be short and boring. Good news is that I didn't gain any weight on the trip and yesterday I was right back into the healthy swing.

More to come later....

Day something...homeward bound!

Yesterday was nuts. I didn't exercise but I was on my feet for five hours straight, in a suit, in 93 degree weather at 80% humidity. I had to eat when I could so I'm sure calorie consumption was low, but I'm not too sure about the nutritional value of the chow. Among other things, I consumed:

Raw eel
Eel skin
Raw monkfish liver
Sardine
Some small whole fish that's name means 'shiny eyes'
Raw red clam
Raw regular clam
RawSea urchin
Raw squid
Raw tuna
Raw white fish
Raw sperm glands of 'a big fish' (nearly barfed on that one)
About 70 gallons of sake and seven or eight dozen beers.

I'm sure all of this will come shooting out of my ass at 35000 feet today.

Day 7: Turning Japanese

Greetings from the land of the rising sun! So yesterday was an interesting day in the ol Quest for Thunderlips program. I managed to get in a run before I flew to Japan and I had a healthy turkey sandwich with fruit at the airport. On the flight I had two airline meals, and several glasses of wine whilst standing around talking to the guys I'm traveling with, but seriously, what are you gonna do? I don't go to Japan every day so I figure what the hell right?

Last night I was treated to teppanyaki here in Nagoya and overall I think it was fairly healthy in terms of eating out. The volume of food was too much, but I don't give a flying rat's ass, you've gotta enjoy when its time to enjoy. In addition to beers and much Saki, the meal consisted of:

Buckwheat pancake with fresh veggies and peppers from Okinawa with some sort of spam substance and and a fried egg that the chef took great care in preparing. It was freaking incredible. Next, they put this little pot thing right on the grill and prepared me pork belly with Chinese veggies and shark fin. I ate all of it but the fattiest part of the pork belly. It was pretty good stuff but insanely rich. After the pork belly doohickie, things got interesting. The chef brought out live abalone that was squirming wildly in their shells. The chef got the abalone open and ready to go and let us watch it squirm while he got the other stuff done (one of the guys hosting me told me that soldiers like the abalone...it looks like a woman's lady parts and it squirms. Had to be there but it was funny). While the abalone was squirming and trying to escape or screw each other or whatever it was they were doing, he put small grates on the grill and then put five square blocks of salt about the size of a large man's wallet on top of the grates. After the salt blocks heat up, the chef put the squirming abalone still in its shell on top of the salt blocks and then covered it with this copper dome thing for a couple of min. Then he put a bunch of spices and capers and stuff on the abalone (still squirming) and then laid this giant seaweed piece across all five abalone salt block combos and covered again for about ten min. After the ten min, the chef uncovered the whole thing (abalone are now dead), took the seaweed, capers, and spices off the abalone, cut them out of their shells and prepared them on the grill. After they were mostly cooked, the chef cut the abalone, put them back in their shells, and served them to us. I've gotta say it was pretty freaking fantastic. After that, a full fillet Mignon. After the steak, miso soup, salad, fried rice and fresh veggies. OK, so I probably had about 38,000 calories last night. Like I said, I don't care, it was awesome and I'll probably do it again tonight! YEEEEEEHAWWWW!

For my breakfast this am, I had a great buffet. I opted away from all the American choices (except one small slice o'bacon) and went with a pretty healthy Japanese offering. Check it out below....

I know this was the most boring entry ever, but hey, what else is there to say, I'd rather play with all the gadgets in my hotel room than do blog entries. No workout today, it's my day of.

Later!

Day 6: The Scoreboard

Here we are folks, Sunday, the day I'll be posting my weekly results (I know, its something I'm sure you'll all put on your calendars). Obviously weight loss isn't everything here, being in shape and getting my ass to the point where NY Life isn't calling me on a weekly basis just to find out if they need to cut a check is the real goal. But, since I started this quest at an ungodly weight, weight loss is a good way to keep score. So, after getting on the scale this morning, naked, the numbers showed my total weight lost since Tuesday morning.......

8 pounds!

Clearly, losing eight pounds per week isn't healthy or sustainable (wish it was). I'm pretty sure the factors contributing to this big first week number is that I weighed in the first day after hitting it hard with the food and booze for well over a week, my total weight at the time was shocking (for me), and this past week I've been rock solid with my nutrition and exercise. Back when I was seeing a nutritionist, I had a couple of seven and eight pound weeks at the beginning too. Point being, nobody worry, I'm not going full Karen Carpenter or anything, I'm doing it right.

Now, onto more important things. My challenge to become Thunderlips The Ultimate Male is taking a unique turn this week. I'll be going away on a business trip to Japan. The hurdles with this trip are that I'll be going to a place I've never been (so I don't know where or how I can work out), it'll be a short trip where I doubt I'll have time to work out much, and I get the feeling I'm expected to eat lots of good food and drink massive amounts of sake and beer (something I'm not at all opposed to doing). Since I'll be going into uncharted territory, I'm going to do something that I was taught by Sarah, my nutritionist: Plan Ahead.

You obviously can't plan for everything but you can plan for things like the 11 hour flights I'll be on and time in the hotel room. If you plan ahead for this stuff, you can cut out the extra stuff (booze and lots of salty snacks) that are available on the airplane. More importantly, if you're not starving when you land, you're much less likely to down the Japanese equivalent of an Ultimate Cheeseburger right when you get off the plane. This is critical.

The organic beef jerky and raw almond combo posted above is my air travel special. An entire bag of the beef jerky and one small bag of almonds is only 410 calories and has 40 grams of protein and 4 grams of fiber. Obviously you need to eat better meals than beef jerky and almonds, but this is better than fat and sodium laden airline snacks. Normally I'd throw in some protein powder too but I don't think I want to bring a white powdery substance into a foreign country. Last thing I want is for my welcome to Japan to be some guy sticking his whole fist up my ass to see if I'm smuggling anything. I hope to go for a run this am but I'm not sure I'll do it or not.

Journal from yesterday:
Exercise - Leg weight training at the gym and swimming with the kids

Food -
Breakfast: Flaxcakes, half a peach, two slices of Canadian bacon
Lunch: Turkey burger patty, green salad, half a slice of Swiss cheese, two slices of this fairly bad tasting low glycemic bread that is supposed to be very good for you.
Afternoon snack: a few cherries
Dinner: Grilled tri tip and green beans
Other stuff: Probably had a bottle of wine throughout the day and nine goldfish crackers. Don't judge me you freaks, it was friggin Saturday for crap's sake and besides, who lost eight pounds?

BONUS: Due to my awesome eating, I've reached the point this week where I'm not feeling hungry between meals and after dinner. This is a critical point to reach because when you don't have the constant desire to chow down on shitty food, its much easier to stay on track! POW!

Day 5: The Weekend is Upon Me!

Did you get your tickets to the gun show??? Hell yeah baby, check out them pipes! Ok, yeah, I realize this photo is actually a shot of a guy with a huge panza showing off his pit hair and doughy arms, but think about this photo four months from now! Heelllllloooooo ladies!

The above photo was taken this morning after my massive leg workout at the gym (actually it wasn't that massive because my legs are still a bit sore). I arrived home to find the wife had prepared one of my favorite healthy breakfast dishes...flaxcakes. The flaxcake is not necessarily a replacement for pancakes but its pancake like and actually very delicious. I've even had flaxcakes when I was throwing caution to the wind and not watching what I ate in the least bit. Flaxcakes are awesome, and best of all, they're extremely healthy. If, for just a moment, you can take our eyes off my massive, rippling bicep and focus on the meal I'm holding in my hand, you will see what looks like pancakes and ham. However, this 'pancakes and ham' meal is flaxcakes and Canadian bacon with half a peach. In addition to being yummo and healthy, this meal is packed with very little fat and a whopping 47 grams of protein and seven grams of dietary fiber. It's a great meal to have after weight training and before you want to take a gigantic shit.

Want the recipe? No, I shant give it to you. I've been asked a lot about the food dealio and the plan I'm trying to loosely follow is based on a plan I was given by a nutritionist two years ago and rather than go into detail about the tricks of her trade (I lost over 50 lbs in four months and was lookin fit and good under her instruction), I'll just refer you to her out of respect for her business. Besides, she goes waaaaaay into great detail and personalizes plans for people.

If you're wondering why I'm not seeing said nutritionist again if I had such great results the last time, it's because the more in shape I got, the more she kept flirting with me, calling me at home, making naughty comments, etc. Kidding, I'm not seeing her again just yet for two reasons. Reason #1: It's not cheap...which is probably why it works so good. Reason #2: I'm embarrassed that she got my arse in great shape and now I've just gone and ruined it all!!! Maybe I'll give her a call after a month or so of being awesome.
Here's her name and number so you can call her if you want all the recipes, vitamins, encouragement, nagging, and ultimately...results. I highly recommend her.

Sarah Leaf - 949.285.0987

greanleafnutrition@gmail.com

www.leafnutrition.com

Day 4: Nighttime Edition

Burgers anyone? Lookin at the above photo, one could easily assume that I threw in the towel on Friday and just went for it...well one could assume that but one would be dead f*cking wrong. I was a rock on Friday and I'm damn proud of it. My food intake...perfect (except for a couple of small indulgences), my workout...intense and powerful just like my farts. I'm feeling good folks, feeling good.

Sunday I will post my weight gain or loss stats for the week because that's how they do it on shows about fat people trying to not be fat. However, if you want a little teaser of how I'm doing, just know that yesterday at the gym, I was able to wrap one of the rent-a-towels they have around my waste and have it stay up on its own for the first time in months. Yeeeeeehaw!!!

One side note on the gym. I've been riding the ol bike in and working out so that means I've been leaving stuff in my locker for the sake of convenience. Yesterday when I opened my locker, the air that came forth was shocking and awful. When I opened the locker door, it was like the scene in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' where they open the Ark and these things fly around and everyone's face melts. Needless to say, I've cleaned out the locker for the weekend to air it out.

Exercise -

Weights - Biceps, Back, Shoulders

15 min of intense ab work, compliments of Mark (thankfully he wasn't vegan on this day)

Food -

Egg white omelet with Canadian bacon and onion

Slice of Trader Joe's turkey meatloaf with a green salad featuring sliced turkey breast, onion, avocado

18 organic almonds (ten in the am, eight in the afternoon)

4% Trader Joe's extra lean ground beef with a small slice of Swiss cheese, cauliflower mash and broccoli

Three glasses of wine, five cherries, and six cheddar goldfish crackers (that was my Friday night party)

Side note about the wine and goldfish: My 'normal' Friday night routine had become at least a bottle of wine, some cookies, a full sleeve of saltine crackers, and probably some cheese so the above portions are a HUGE reduction from before.

Day 4: Friday!

Since the legs are a tad sore, I drove to work today so no bikie for Jon-O. On the way in, I passed this donut shop and thought I'd take a pic since it reminded me of the good old days...a whole four days ago. Good thing was, I wasn't even tempted to pull over and grab two glazed buttermilk bars (one for the car, and one to eat when I get to the office). No temptation here, I just kept on driving.

Other than that, there's not much to report on this fine Friday. I have a nice healthy omelet by my side for breakfast and I plan on doing shoulders and biceps at the gym today to give the pipes some attention. After that, my plan is to embarrass myself doing some ab work.

The real challenge for today is that it's Friday and, as those of you who know me know all too well, I likes to party. Whether its at home or out somewhere, I'm a big fan of free flowing wine...especially on the weekends. As the day goes on, I'm going to have to formulate a plan to distract myself from the temptations of the vine. A one man Wii baseball tournament could be an option.

While you're contemplating wine...read this. It's on the internet so it must be true.

http://www.shapefit.com/alcohol-calories.html

Day 3: The Stats

It's 9:30pm and my ass is wiped out so this evening edition will be a short one. I didn't have a pic to post so I took one with my webcam and it was about the creepiest thing I've ever seen in my life. So, instead of posting a photo of something that looks like John Wayne Gacy with ten pounds added on, I've decided to post a shot of the man I want to become, Thunderlips The Ultimate Male.

Today was a serious barn burner, a bike ride to work, full day in the office, bike ride home in the extreme heat, a shower and then straight to assistant coach my daughter's soccer game. The ol' legs were seriously sore today at work so I skipped going to the gym for fear that I may be hitting it a bit hard on my first week back in action (That's what she said).

I was perfect on food but today was tempting to be sure. First thing in the am, one of my co-workers brought a dozen donuts to work. I nearly freaked out like Rainman around hot water but instead, I spurned those deep fried doughy delights and kept working away. If the donuts weren't enough, after our late dinner this evening, the wife handed me a full pint of 'Captain America' ice cream and asked me to scoop some out for the kids. Et tu Leslie? Seriously, what the hell is that all about? Clearly the wife is trying to sabotage me. Hell, why don't we just go buy some crack and some glass pipes and see if any of the folks living under the bridges I ride by in the morning would like to just hold them? She's out to get me...I know it.

Oh yeah, one more thing. At the beginning of the bike ride home today, my riding partner rode just slightly in front of me, stood up on his pedals, said "Mate, I had vegan today for lunch so fair warning". While he was saying this sentence, he let a loud fart that lasted, unbroken, for a good 15 seconds. The entire time my buddy was breathing out of his ass, he made sure he was positioned in front of me so I couldn't get around him. It was the most incredible and horrifying thing I've ever experienced in my life.

Today's stats:

Exercise -

Morning seven mile ride

Afternoon seven mile ride

Running around for an hour yelling at six year old girls trying to play soccer

Food -

Breakfast- Trader Joes lite cottage cheese and a peach

Two cups of coffee (Kona coffee...the good kind)

Snack - Ten organic almonds

Lunch - Leftover roasted bell pepper stuffed with lean turkey breast

Snack - Ten organic almonds

Pre-game snack - Two lite string cheeses (I learned on Tuesday this is critical)

Dinner - Trader Joe's turkey meatloaf, one tbs ketchup, mashed cauliflower, broccoli

Extras - one glass of red wine and I had a very early morning cup of coffee but that was so I could trigger a mudslide before I got on my bike. Wouldn't want to soil my britches whilst riding.

See you manana.

Day 3: French Style Shower Action!

There he is folks, king of the Hobo Highway ready for his ride bright and early in the morning. 6:30am came early this morning but since I was meeting my buddy on the river trail to ride into work, I had to get out of bed and make it happen. I took the opportunity to capture myself in all my glory while I waited for Mark on the trail. Unfortunately, just as I finished taking the above photo, Mark rode up and saw me with my camera. It was pretty awkward as I struggled to put my camera back in my bike bag and there was an uncomfortable silence. I guess when you ride up on one of your buddies taking a photo of himself, it's kind of like walking in on a friend and surprising him while he's punching the clown...what is there to say? It's embarrassing situation, everyone knows it, but you're not going to say "Hey dude, were you jerking one out?". Anywho, after the photo incident, we made a triumphant ride down the SART and stopped at the gym for some sauna time (which included mildly homoerotic stretching exercises) and some individual shower action.

The shower scene was a pleasant surprise this morning. Normally there are plenty of normal showers, but this morning, all the normal showers were taken so I was forced to use the handicap shower. At first I was kind of bummed that I had to use the handi-shower but I quickly realized my disappointment was unfounded. The handicap shower is large enough to park a Volkswagen inside and it has one of those Euro-style handheld shower heads so I was able to take advantage and give the tailpipe a heavy dose of the 'Old Faithful' treatment. I may even move my manscaping routine from home to the handi-shower because, in addition to the Euro-style handheld shower head, it also has a very sturdy bench where you can get your leg up and get uninhibited access to the coin purse. I have no idea what any of this has to do with my quest for fitness but I thought it was worth sharing. Good ride and even better shower this morning. Now I'm going to eat my peaches and cottage cheese.

Day 2: Evening Edition

Provided I don't go nuts and eat the entire Costco sized box of cheddar Goldfish we have in the house, I finished day two in flying colors. I started the day with a seven mile ride into work, ate healthy all day, did a 20 min run on the treadmill at lunch and then rode seven miles home. Only problem now is, I feel like I got hit by a bus. I may have overdone it on the exercise today considering I'm horribly out of shape. The ride home was hotter than hell and there were tons of locals who had apparently started happy hour on their walk home from work but I was undeterred, I pressed on like the mighty warrior that I am. I even used the secret passage from my gym to get on the Hobo Highway for the ride home. See below

After arriving home and taking care of the customary showering of my hot, naked body, I enjoyed healthy roasted bell peppers stuffed with ground turkey breast. Rumor has it I'm having a glass of wine right now but I don't participate in gossip so I'll just let you make up your own mind. Check out that healthy cuisine!

I've decided I'm riding to and from work again tomorrow but I'll have company. One of my buddies will be meeting me on the SART and we'll go hand and hand down that proud highway ultimately arriving at our cubes where we'll solve all the world's problems.

OK, here are today's stats:

Fitness - described above

Food journal -

Two cups of coffee w/Stevia extract

Breakfast: Trader Joes light cottage cheese and peaches

Snack: Ten organic almonds

Lunch: Pork loin salad with carrots, onions, and 1/4 avocado

Snack: 12 organic almonds (yes, I went big on the snack)

Dinner: Turkey breast stuffed yellow peppers, broccoli and onion stir fried in Napa Valley olive oil (the best olive oil on the planet)

One glass of wine and I'm telling you right now, it may be two

Day 2....

I got up this morning and according to my scale, I lost a whopping four pounds in one day. I took a crap once that was easily a five pounder but, other than that, I'm not sure if its humanly possible to drop four pounds in one day under normal circumstances; what the hell, I'll take it. I figure four pounds to the negative is better than the other direction. One way or another, I am now just a little bit closer to looking like Thunderlips, The Ultimate Male from 'Rocky III'.

This morning I decided to bike to work. The ride's about 23 min or so along the world famous SART (Santa Ana River Trail) or as I like to call it, 'The Hobo Highway'. There she is, the SART, pictured on this post. The SART is a recreational area surrounding miles and miles of cement drainage ditch through much of North and Central Orange County down to the beach. The great thing about the trail is that it doesn't matter whether you're a homeless guy, some drunk sleeping on a rock, a migrant worker, a kid walking to school, a factory bike team, or, like me, a big bear on a bike riding to work...you're all equal once you're on the SART. The good news is that my ride to work was very pleasant until I smashed my shin on the pedals in front of a bunch of people and had to try not to cry. The bad news is, it's supposed to be in the 90's today so I'll be hotter than a three dicked pup in a f*cking match on the ride home. Good thing I brought my glide stick so I can lube up the undercarriage and prevent chafing!

Day One....

So, after a weekend of eating like a pig and drinking more wine than Baccus himself, I did the unthinkable on day one of my quest, I got on the scale. I'm not going to post the obscene number that I saw when I sucked my gut in so I could see the scale, but lets just say I have my work cut out for me.

I was hoping to get off on the right foot and just make a good effort. Here are today's stats:

Fitness - upper body weight training, lots of stretching, and running around on a soccer field for an hour coaching my kid's soccer game (soccer game is a lightweight thing, but I actually went to the gym too, so screw you if you want to judge)

Food -

Breakfast - half a cup of cottage cheese and a peach

Lunch - three slices of lean pork loin and one small plum

Snack- one tube of string cheese

Dinner - chicken breast, onion, and asparagus (stinky piss, here I come)

Two very large cups of coffee

4.5 litres of water throughout the day.

I'd say I'm off to a rip roaring start but I have to admit, my wine is calling my name. I can hear it now saying "Jon-O, please come drink me...". I shant, I will resist.

I'll be biking to work in the morning.

Independence Day

Two years ago this weekend, I was at the tail end of losing over 50 pounds. I was completing a weeklong 'cleansing diet', feeling good about myself and looking trim and fit. The world was my oyster.

Flash forward to this 4th of July weekend, almost all the weight is back, and after having not worn a shirt for most of the weekend, I've come to realize that I better get back in the saddle. As I sit here drinking Champagne and eating Cheetos I can't quite figure out where it all went wront but I know I better do something about it before I get to the point where I have to wash myself with a rag on a stick. Please see then and now pics...I don't have to tell you which is which.

This blog will be a testament to my efforts, no matter how successful or how much of a failure, this blog will be...The Gut Chronicles.