I found our earlier today that a serial killer has been targeting homeless people in Orange County and one of the victims was found two weeks ago on the SART (Santa Ana River Trail) very close to where I ride. What the frack is that all about? I stopped riding the SART when daylight savings ended due to...no daylight, and all hell breaks loose! Nobody messes with the denizens of the SART, that is sacred ground, its time for me to take action.
Initially, I thought about getting Serena (my bike) and I fully outfitted for battle like Vernon Wells in "Road Warrior" (above) so I could roam the SART with a Remington 870 tactical 12 gauge strapped to my back. Outfitted like that, when the killer rolled up on me, I'd just rip that chrome plated beauty off my back, take aim, and drop that punk like 3rd period French but alas, I cannot do that because my wife is opposed to firearms in the house and she won't let me buy one. What do you think about your ideals now sweetie? There's a serial killer roaming the SART and I can't defend the people because you're a scaredy cat! DANG IT!
Since the road warrior approach isn't going to happen for me, I guess I'll just have to use the specialized marshal art I've been secretly developing that I call 'Bike Fu'. I can't give all the details of what Bike Fu entails since the US Patent office is dragging their feet with my patent, but I can tell you that it starts with me getting up to a high rate of speed on Serena and it ends about a minute later with me holding the still beating hart of my adversary over my head in my clinched fist yelling "GAME OVER MOTHERF*CKER!!!!!" No weapons, just Power and Justice (my fists).
I was going to save this next tidbit of info for a surprise but I got lights for Serena so I can ride when its getting dark and I was going to install them this weekend but I might have to mount them (no pun intended) tonight since we're in an emergency situation. Stay tuned and fear not! The Spirulina Avenger has been awakened!
