What? Are We In China or Something?

I rode to the gym this morning with my buddy Mark and as we rolled up to the normally empty bike rack, this is the shit we saw waiting for us.  I had to wedge Serena in there like she was just some common bike that a normal person would ride.  What the hell is up with that crap?  It's cool and all that half of Orange County has decided they want to be like me and bike to the gym, but give the man his space!  I plan on filing a grievance.

Activate Beast Mode

That's right, you heard it, I've activated Beast Mode.  The weight must come off, I must get serious, and that means healthy eating, next to no booze during the week, continue to exercise, and above all, no snacking at night...the killer of us all.

Part of Beast Mode is nutrition and I've been bad about eating breakfast when I should.  Since I'm riding to the gym around 9:00am today, I got up early and made a mega healthy beast smoothie.  The photo above is of my beast smoothie in front of my awesome X-Files poster.  Yes, I realize the photo looks like something you'd find in an envelope with a ransom note, but the lighting was bad and well, screw it.

I'm Gonna Cleana Serena

I got up this morning and did major cleaning and maintenance on my BBQ.  When I was done with that project I decided it was a good time to clean Serena and give her a little TLC.  She's been pretty dirty and her chain's been chirping at me so I figured while I was already sweating like a pig, I might as well make it happen.

There she is baby, all clean and lubed up, just ready for me to get on and work up a sweat!

Oh Serena, Don't Be Like That

I'm finally back from a week long trip to NoCal and I was excited to get on Serena and ride and lo and behold, the old gal just wasn't working right.  At first I thought she was just being temperamental because I hadn't ridden her in over a week but then I realized there was a big problem shifting.  After riding around for half an hour, I decided to come home and turn to my trusty friend "YouTube" to figure out just what the hell is wrong.

As luck would have it, I found this fancy video from our friends at Intown Bicycles in Atlanta and I was able to fix her so she was good as new.  Turns out her derailluer was out of whack.  Thanks for the help Intown Bikes!

Nice Try Comrade...

I just saw that Alexandr Vinokurov won the gold in London on the men's road cycling race.  He did 250km at an average speed of just under 27mph.  Uhhmmm...congrats I guess?  I didn't realize they handed out gold medals for being a complete pantywaist.  Nice work dude but your gold medal ride is about half of what I got in the tank.  Maybe you should come out here to SoCal one of these days and we can settle things on the SART like men.  I think if Alexandr decides to take me up on my offer, I'll even agree to put square wheels on Serena just so he has a fair chance.

Yippiee!!!

Pissed

I went out to the garage yesterday to get on Serena and ride the SART to the gym for my Monday morning workout and this is what I saw...another motherscratching flat tire!  FLARG!!!!

I figured instead of ordering more Avenir tubes and getting frequent flats, I'd head on down to The Path bike shop to support my local business.  Unfortunately for me, I walked into The Path during what is apparently 'Bong 30' or something like that because there were at least eight people working and all of them appeared to be completely baked out of their minds.  I took one look around, realized this wasn't the typical weekend crew of hardened bike folks so I decided to try and help myself.  Here's what I found when I got to the shelf where they keep their tubes:

Yes, a complete unholy mess of shit, none of which matched the size tube I had.  Anywho, I got some guy to help me out.  The guy who works at the shop told me they didn't have my size and gave me another one and said (say this like Spicoli in your mind) "Deed, tubes totally stretch mahhn.  You'll be fine with this one brah." and then he just stared literally through my skull.  I think I maxed out his limited brain power at the time.  Anyway, normally I'd just bail on a place but I love the Path and figured it was 2:00pm on a Monday so maybe they didn't have their A players working.  I paid six bucks for my tube and got outta there.

Once I got home, I decided to do some research and discovered that the issue is more likely my tires than my tubes.  I read a couple of folks recommending these things called 'Continental Gatorskins' but I have no idea whether or not they'll work on my bike because It's damn near impossible to figure any of this shit out.

Why the hell cant' they make tires like shoes or something where you just say a size fucking 10 and everyone knows what you're taking about.

SART Offense!

I got up this morning, rolled my unemployed ass out of bed, had three cups of coffee, got on Serena and then hit the SART for a ride to the gym so I can continue to increase my upper body strength while ignoring the obvious fact that I should eat a lot less and what do I see?  This shit (above).

I come rolling up at like 60 or 70mph and lo and behold, there's a traffic jam on the SART being caused by some dude holding a freaking stop sign while his buddies try to build a bridge.  Well...pardon me sir, didn't realize you holding a sign means I have to stop!  I can't believe the balls on that guy!  You can't stop me on the SART, I am King of the SART and I make the rules!

Anyway, I didn't feel like taking on 25 construction workers so me and three guys on road bikes hightailed it up that access road to the left, rode over the bridge being built, got on the dirt path side of the SART, and rode down one more bridge and then got back on the actual SART itself.  A major inconvenience I should say!  Long story short, I still made it to the gym, knocked out insane amounts of lifting, and then rode home.  All is well, now its time for me to eat.

Side note...the two chicks on beach cruisers are something I see frequently on the SART.  They're clearly heading to Huntington Beach because its only about eight miles from the point where the above photo was taken.  Problem is, the wind really picks up, you have tons of up and down bridges to go under, and then you have to pedal your single gear heavy bike back with a pound of sand grinding away on the inside of your ass cheeks.  Nice job girls, way to think things through.

Bike Jam 2012

I decided to get on Serena this morning and do a ride for my Saturday exercise.  I rode 15.25 miles at a brisk pace so I'm pretty proud of meself.  I chose to ride north on the SART this morning because I wanted to be able to pedal unobstructed for the full hour.  To my unpleasant surprise, I think the rest of Orange County decided to ride the SART this morning.  There were literally a couple thousand cyclists on the SART this am, it was nuts.

Most of this morning's riders were large packs of 30 or so dudes all going berserk on their road bikes.  Then there were a couple hundred casual riders who were doing their thing too.  The lame part was that there was a whole lot of expensive equipment out there moving waaaaay too slow and blocking the lanes.  Normally you just fly by these douchebags on two wheels but the SART was so busy this morning, you had to really wait for a golden opportunity to make a move.  Fortunately for me, Serena is awesome and I'm a total badass so everything worked out fine.  One guy got a little miffed that I passed him and two other people on a curve going uphill but screw him, he was in the way and the rule on the SART is survival of the fittest!

I looked up some stuff on cycling etiquette and there's some pretty good stuff for group rides (see link below) but very little on what the proper procedure is when you're solo and some assclown is taking up the whole lane and going too slow.

http://www.bamacyclist.com/articles/groupridetech.html

Father's Day Special!

Recently a few people have commented that they'd like more videos on the Gut Chronicles and in particular, they'd like more videos featuring my zany kids.  I'm a man who likes to please his audience so I decided yesterday to try a video of me, doing a radical running flip into the pool while encased from armpit to calf in four of the floating rings pictured above.  I did two trial runs and my kids said it was 'stupid' and 'a dud' and since I hurt my eye on the second attempt, I decided to scrap that video idea (Hey, it was physical fitness, just in a more free form way).

That takes us to this morning, Father's Day 2012.  My wish for Father's Day was to get up early and go on a family bike ride to my favorite breakfast joint.  The wife and kids indulged me and by 7:15am, we were off on our adventure.  Enjoy the video.  (side note, if you open this and say to yourself "That crazy dipshit actually posted a 10 minute long video of him and his family riding to and eating breakfast???" The answer is..  Yes, yes I did)

Wild Animal Loose on the SART!

Ok, so maybe its not an animal loose on the SART but I have been known to have animal like characteristics, just ask the wife.

Anywhoo...just because I'm not working, it doesn't mean I can't still patrol the SART and be all manly bike dude looking good on Serena.  This morning I decided I needed to ride to the gym for my huge upper body workout.  I hit the SART around 6:10am so I had to activate the alien flasher rear light as well as Beamer 3 (front light) just in case.

Yes, that's me just before 7:00am, all alone, in the weight room, just getting ready to put on a one man pipes display.  I'm pretty sure other folks wanted to work out too but they were intimidated when they saw me go in.  Probably thought I'd be using all the iron and they'd have none to lift.  So I did a great workout post bike ride and was going strong, making it happen to the sound track from the movie 'Hair' (and yes, it was the movie, not the stage play.  Don't ask me how I know this, I just do).  I had just finished a set at maximum effort with Age of Aquarius blast in the background and I was feeling pretty good about myself, when all of a sudden, this tiny teenage girl comes in, knocks out an impressive set on the bench and then goes and fires off like 25-30 chin ups like they were nothing.  At this point, I decided to take my leave because lets face it, nobody likes a showoff and that girl was clearly trying to act like she was all that and I was simply not going to tolerate it.

Breakfast is Served

There she is folks, about a gallon of something the wife mixed up for me in the Vitamix 5200 this am.  So far this week has been great on the exercise front and much better than average on the nutrition and sleeping front.  Oddly enough, that means I've lost about three pounds in two days.  Strange how that works isn't it?

Today's pretty much going to be a bust because I've got this three hour shindig end of the year award ceremony at my kids' school and I'm taking one of them to lunch after that.  I may try to do an afternoon hyper-ride on Serena followed by swimming with the kids to at least get some exercise in.  At some point I should also try to look for a job too...but who wants to do that?

Btw, don't laugh about swimming with the kids as exercise.  Swimming with my kids is something like a combo between an MMA fight, trying to escape from a piranha attack, being drowned, and doing power lifting.  Its no joke.

The Day is Upon Us! IT IS TIME FOR MY ANNOUNCEMENT

Without further ado, I'm finally going to make my big announcement:  I quit my day job.  That's right, you heard me...done, quit, jumped off the cliff and there's no safety net.  I am a free agent and I'm going to set the artist free! (Probably just end up getting another job).

There, announcement over, and now its time to fully commit to Operation Savage Fist.

Since I'm now unemployed, I figure its going to take a bit of time to find a new gig and I plan on using that time to throw myself at my nutrition and fitness regimen.  Gone are the days of me snacking and boozing and carrying on like some kind of cretin.  Operation Savage Fist isn't about decadence, Operation Savage Fist is about enjoying life, taking care of the body, and getting myself ready for whatever comes next.  Respect Operation Savage Fist or be run over by it!

I got on the scale this am and have determined that I need to lose 42 pounds.  If you're about to rapidly scroll down hoping for a 'before' photo with me being shirtless, you can just fucking forget it.  I don't need public scorn and ridicule, I need motivation.  I need Operation Savage Fist to work like a champ and be slicker than Katie's legs.

This morning I hit the gym for a massive upper body workout.  Tomorrow will be cardio day, and so forth.  I plan on mixing in many adventures with my beloved bike Serena too!

If you follow the Gut Chronicles, you'll note that exercise really isn't my issue.  My issue is shoveling massive amounts of food and booze into my gullet and just going for it on a daily basis.  So clearly, if Operation Savage Fist is going to work, I need to get back on the nutrition plan as well.

My lunch today was a delicious tortilla crusted talapia served over micro greens and salsa with a nice side of quinoa.  Check it out folks (first pic is just the food, 2nd pick is the wife enjoying her post workout portion)

Midwest Rider

Just because I'm not currently riding my bike, that doesn't mean the global influence of the Gut Chronicles isn't going strong.  I just heard from my buddy Dave in Cincinnati that he's riding through some corn fields

Here's Dave, riding through the cornfields of the Buckeye State.  He's 20 miles into his ride and he's got no tire kit.  That's Dave for you, living on the mother freaking edge!  Dave's not worried though because Dave's a man's man.  Dave shoots deer, builds things, and takes pride in the damage he does to Starbucks restrooms throughout this great land of ours.  Knowing Dave, if he gets a flat, he'll fashion a tire out of corn husks, slaughter some wild beast and use its still warm lungs as a makeshift air pump to inflate his corn tires.  Dave cannot be stopped.

Here's Dave eyeballing some cows.  Those cows better watch out!  If Dave gets hungry, he might just eat one of them and I don't even want to discuss what might happen to one of those cows if Dave gets horny!

Ride on Dave!  Ride ON!

Potpourri!

I think my buddy in Cincinnati liked his taste of fame when I mentioned him yesterday on the Gut Chronicles and he wants more of it.  He's clearly got bike fever now and he told me he was going to go mountain biking this morning.  Later on, he sent this shot of his bike...doing nothing.  Something in his email mentioned how he had to take a break after a three mile ride (pussy) and whatever.  But there you have it...Gut Chronicle's Ohio office is in full effect!  Feel free to send in your biking photos.  If I like them, I'll post them.  If I don't like them, I'll print two of them out (one to shit on and one to wipe with).

Ok, now that the vulgarity is taken care of, lets get on to the fact that this could possibly be the most boring post of all time.  I'm not satisfied with just kind of boring so I've decided to post a video shot this morning.  The first part is my six year old giving advice on health and fitness, the next is me showing of my finely tuned basketball skills.

Friday Musings on National Bike to Work Day

I'm just going to come right out and say it, I didn't bike to work on National Bike To Work Day, the 'work' part of the equation prohibited me from doing so (more like laziness).

Having said that, here are some hot Friday headlines:

• One of my buddies in Cincinnati is so inspired by my biking greatness that he decided to get his bike tuned up earlier this week and he went for a 14 mile ride this morning.  Highlights from his ride are a sore ass and he saw a giant turtle in the middle of the road.  I ask you, how much more excitement can you ask for on a Friday morning than a good ride and a turtle sighting?  Unless you're a Facebook employee on the day of Facebook's IPO (Search optimization says what?), your Friday can't get much better than that!
• Since I drove this morning, I took the opportunity to fill up the 2003 G35 with sport tuned suspension.  To my shock and horror, gas was $4.40 per gallon at COSTCO!  Holy freaking balls of fire that's a huge stack of cash!
• I've managed to get the wife to start making me green smoothies again for breakfast in the morning.  I swear on the eyes of my dead dog Penny that green smoothies (spinach, spirulina, fruit, etc.) are the way to go for breakfast.  I feel like a caged beast and my bowel movements are a thing of beauty!
• In the last two weeks, I've rode to work eight out of the ten work days.  On top of that, I've been to the gym nearly every day.  I've dropped a couple of pounds but my wine and snack consumption has been shocking.  I wish they'd have 'National Don't eat a box of Cheez-its and drink so much wine every night month'.  Then I'd be in business.
• Yesterday was a huge day for the Gut Chronicles.  I'm not sure why my hit count is increasing but if I can double the number of hits I get per day for 87 consecutive days and go from 45 page views to like 15 million per day, I can quit my job and become a full time blogger

That is all for now

Where the SART Meets the Sea!

I decided last night that today was the day I was going to ride Serena all the way to the sea where the SART begins and then ride back to the gym before work.  When I woke up this morning I looked outside to see what was what and to my pleasant surprise, there wasn't a cloud in the sky.  I got my shit together and I was off to explore the far reaches of the SART and get some extra miles in on what could be the finest day of the year.

First off, I noticed right away, the SART gets a whole lot nicer as you get closer to the beach.  Once you're out of Santa Ana and into Costa Mesa, bums, graffiti, and thugs are replaced with people on high end cycles, people walking fancy dogs, and young chicks going for their morning jogs in their $400 workout clothes.  The Costa Mesa to Huntington Beach leg of the SART is like vacation SART and my home section of the SART is like battle zone SART.

Even though the extra leg of my ride this morning added a total of 12 miles to the ride, it was well worth it and after about 45 minutes, I had arrived at the spot where the Santa Ana 'river' meets the mighty Pacific

The spot where PCH crosses the SART in Huntington Beach

I rode Serena out onto the sand to get some sea air into my lungs and to try and take a few pictures without looking like a total doofwad:

Yours truly, pleased with myself after riding the SART to the ocean before work

After a quick rest, I turned around and headed back to the gym so I could wash my sweaty ass before work.  I've gotta admit the ride to the ocean was really fun and is something I'll probably do again on a semi regular basis.  Not only is it a great ride, its pretty satisfying to know you're getting in over an hour of exercise before you even get to work.

Morning greatness on the SART near its beginning in Huntington Beach

Best of all, when I finished my ride, I was surprised to discover my ass wasn't sore, my legs felt just fine, and my speed was pretty good the entire 18.5 miles.  I'd be lying if I didn't feel like I was a freaking bike pro!

In case you've ever wondered where the SART begins, this is it.  Maybe someday I'll head north and find out where the SART ends.

Learn it. Know it. Live it.

The events of National Bike Month are just piling up.  This week is Ride to Work week and this Wednesday is a nationwide event called 'The Silent Ride'.  The Silent Ride is done all over the country to raise awareness and to honor cyclists injured or killed by knucklehead drivers who treat us like scum.

I looked online and there's a silent ride this Wednesday night starting at 7:00pm at the Irvine City Hall.  I honestly considered joining this event to check it out but when I looked it up, the first thing I saw from last year's ride was some doofmeister wearing a helmet and bike shirt, barking something into a microphone in front of a bunch of bored looking people.  Uhhh dude...that's not silent.

Other reasons I will not be participating:

• It's a 7.9 circle jerk, I mean ride, through Irvine.  I'm trying to think of things more boring than an hour long slow ride through Irvine and I cannot.  Oh wait, I just thought of one....an hour long ride through Irvine in silence.
• The Lakers are playing OKC (They'll probably lose by 30 again)
• The Dodgers are playing the Padres
• 7:00pm is usually when I start my nightly four hour snacking and wine drinking binge and I don't want to interrupt my schedule.

Even though I won't be doing the silent ride, I will give a shout out here on the Gut Chronicles and ask the drivers of the world to keep an eye out for cyclists and remember that they have just as much right to the road as you do...so back the fuck up assholes!

New Stuff Alert

On my ride home Friday afternoon, I was flying along on the SART and I suddenly felt some weirdness on my feet.  To my shock and horror, I'd broken a pedal on my ride home.  Since I likes to keep things positive, I looked at this setback as an opportunity to get more stuff for Serena so I headed to The Path Bike Shop on Saturday morning to upgrade Serena.

The pedals that came with Serena are plastic and were available at the store for twenty bucks.  But why spend $20 on something that worked fine for a year when I can go big and look like a huge cycling stud?  Instead of the plastic pedals, I opted for the awesomeness you see in the photo above.  These pedals are the Wellgo MG-1 Platform pedals with sealed bearings made out of magnesium.  I have no idea what any of that means but they were recommended, they look badass, so I forked over $69 and bought them.  This morning was my first ride with the new pedals and they kick ass.  Its tough to see in the photo but they MG-1s have little studs on them that grab your shoes so there's zero foot slippage.  Daddy likey!

In addition to needing new pedals, Serena's chain was well overdue for a good cleaning and lube job so I picked up this White Lightning easy clean chain cleaning brush kit.  This inexpensive little bit of gear made the job of cleaning Serena's chain and cassette much easier.  Highly recommended.

Last but certainly not least, for a long time I've wanted to get a bike stand so I don't have to turn Serena upside down and rest her on my kid's pool toys to clean the chain and do minor repairs and maintenance.  The only problem is, most of the bike stands I've seen cost well over $100 and I don't want to part with that much cash.  Fortunately for me, when I was at The Path Bike Shop, I saw this small stand for $24 that lets me get the back wheel off the ground so I can spin and clean.  For twenty-four bones, this stand was perfect and, combined with the brush kid, made the chain clean and lube job a 10 minute endeavor.  Money well spent!

National Bike Month Update

As I've mentioned before, May is National Bike Month so to support this auspicious occasion, I tried to bike as much as possible over the last week.  For instance, in the past six days, I've only been INSIDE a car two times (haven't driven) and have traveled less than five miles total via automobile.  Everything else has been on my glorious bicycle, Serena.

Over the past six days I estimate I've traveled over 70 miles on my bike.  70 miles seems like a lot to me but when you consider the average stage in the Tour de France is roughly 100 miles and those juiced up freaks do a stage nearly every day, I guess its not all that much.  Screw them though, they're all cheating drug users so my 70 miles in a week is awesome...far superior to the Tour de Farce.

Other interesting facts about my week of cycling:

• Showers taken - 23
• Pairs of jeans worn - 2 (yeah, you read that right..only two)
• Gallons of nut sweat generated - 43.8
• Times I've stood up from a seated position and said "Whoooaaa Nelly m'legs are sore" - 9,823
• Number of bugs consumed - 51

For those of you who are interested, as part of National Bike Month, next week is Bike to Work week so I expect to see all of you out there riding like the wind.

Dangerous Dealings Friday

One of the great things about riding the SART is you never know what you're going to get.  One day, the SART can be forgiving  and beautiful, on another day, the SART can be a pain in the ass, and then there's other days, like today, where the SART is a lawless rut cutting its way through Orange County where obstacles abound and normal rules don't apply.

When it comes to riding the SART, I've come to learn that its an organic process each day meaning that if it starts out weird, its going to stay weird.  Case in point, this morning, not one minute after I hopped on Serena and started riding away from home, this nutty looking old man in a stupid hat carrying bright pink dumbbells waved at me and I could swear he blew me a kiss.  Now I don't know if the dude was just a nutty old timer or he was trying to gay marry me or what (gay marriage is currently a hot topic and I'm trying to optimize my search rankings so I thought I'd throw it in there), but I knew the strange start to my ride meant it was going to be strange the whole way.

The construction on the First Street bridge was going on (pictured above) but they didn't block the SART from going under it today so I just kept on trucking.  Unfortunately for me, on every other day, the construction workers sweep the debris from the bike path but for some reason, on this day, it looked like they actually TRIED to spread all kinds of debris across the path.  I nearly busted my breaks slowing down and looking for nails and whatnot (I'm not sure if they use nails on a concrete bridge but I wasn't going to take any chances because how the hell would I know?  What am I, one of the Village People or something?).

The debris under the First Street bridge put me on high alert but I kept pedaling.  Right after First Street, I was cruising along and I saw these two punks walking side by side, completely blocking the SART.  Normally I'd think it was just one of the clueless masses, but one of the punks actually made eye contact with me and gave me a look that said he wasn't moving.  I'm all about giving peace a chance but for some reason this kid really pissed me off so I decided to make sure he understood he was fucking with the wrong guy.  I sped up and headed straight at the defiant teen (the cycling equivalent to backing someone off the plate).  There was a brief moment where the punk stayed defiant, but then it was clear that we both realized the simple facts of this case:  He was on foot and moving slowly, I was 250 pounds of helmet wearing anger coming at him at about 20mph on a large metal object, and lets face it, we both knew that nobody would come looking for a douchebag like him for at least three days if he went missing, so he did the smart thing and moved aside.  I wanted to fart when I passed the punk but I didn't have anything in the on-deck circle so he lucked out.

Last but certainly not least (is this post long enough yet?), I was getting pretty close to the gym and going at full speed when I noticed an ancient SART Jawa in the trough part of one of the underpasses walking all over the path, looking at something on the other side of the riverbed with her mouth open.

 Covered from head to toe, the native SART Jawa is a frequently seen inhabitant of the SART

It should be noted that SART Jawas can't be classified by race, gender or age in general but this particular one was an elderly Asian lady (photo above is not the SART Jawa I nearly ran over).  I should have slowed down to be as safe as possible but I was a little leg weary and I didn't want to be at a standstill when I hit the uphill part of the underpass so I yelled 'Look out!' at the SART Jawa.  She didn't respond at all.  I started drawing closer and was moving at an alarming rate of speed so I yelled again 'LOOK OUT!!!'.  Still nothing.  As it got to the point where I realized I needed to make something happen or I'd be hosing old lady off my bike, my super bike riding senses kicked in, I calculated who I was dealing with and changed my tactic and gave it one last ditch effort:  'NI HAO!!!!!'  Ni Hao is the only Chinese I know and lucky for me that old broad understood it and got the hell out of the way faster than any person over 70 I've ever seen!  Disaster averted and I managed to make it to the gym safe and sound completing my fifth consecutive ride to work this week during National Bike Month!  Hell yes!