Ahhh the Family Life!

The wave cave at the Monterey aquarium.  You go inside and a huge rush of liquid blasts all over the cave.  Reminds me of what my colon must go through on a daily basis.

Don't Judge

Here we are at Chilis in Monterey, CA and I ordered a small garden salad with balsamic vinaigrette but the waitress must have thought I said "I'll have the chicken crispers and a huge beer please!"  Oh well, I'm not one to make trouble so I just ate it...all of it.

The wheels have come off the cart folks.

Nice Try Comrade...

I just saw that Alexandr Vinokurov won the gold in London on the men's road cycling race.  He did 250km at an average speed of just under 27mph.  Uhhmmm...congrats I guess?  I didn't realize they handed out gold medals for being a complete pantywaist.  Nice work dude but your gold medal ride is about half of what I got in the tank.  Maybe you should come out here to SoCal one of these days and we can settle things on the SART like men.  I think if Alexandr decides to take me up on my offer, I'll even agree to put square wheels on Serena just so he has a fair chance.

Yippiee!!!

That's What I'm Talking About

Getting shredded for the weekend.

Confessions of a Lunatic

This is what I had for lunch today.  A nice healthy turkey sandwich with pickles, artisan lettuce (whatever the hell that means), and a slice of Swiss cheese.  Yeah, the sourdough isn't 'perfect' but I was told by my nutritionist once that in the absence of whole grain, low glycemic bread, its a fair choice.  Anywho, the wife commented about how I had a healthy breakfast, went for a run, and followed it up with a healthy lunch.  I was about to just take her compliments and say thank you but I was overcome by guilt and the following words came out of my mouth  "Yeah, I'm feeling bad about eating a whole bag of jelly beans last night".

Now before you say "Well hey man, don't kill yourself, a bag of jelly beans is no big deal", just know when I say a bag of jelly beans, I'm not talking about the Halloween hand out kind of bag o'beans.  I'm not even talking about a movie theater size bag of jelly beans.  I'm talking about go down to Target and pick up a bag of jelly beans that should last you and your whole family a month size bag of jelly beans...and I ate the whole thing, by myself, while I was watching Destination Truth and The Daily Show.

I know, its shameful and embarrassing to admit to such a thing but I think the confession is cathartic and it gives you, my readers, a quick glimpse into the demons that plague me (demons that look like delicious jelly beans with little candy horns).  You're probably asking yourself just how one can sit down and eat a whole bag of jelly beans in one sitting and the answer is:  You just do it.  I'm not saying its easy to power down an entire bag of jelly beans, it takes dedication, discipline, and an unyielding commitment to the job, but what can I say, I'm that kind of guy, a professional.

Anyone know where I can get a good deal on insulin?

Tutti Fruity

I decided to have some of the organic fruits I got at the farmer's market for breakfast.  Thought it would be good to see if the kids had any insights or opinions on these majestic fruits:

The Dark Side of the Vitamix

Sometimes the Vitamix giveth and sometimes it taketh away.  The only thing I can say is, this horrid concoction was probably the most healthy Vitamix drink I've made so far.

A Trip to the Farmer's Market

Several months ago, in response to a question I asked on SummerTomato.com, I was told there are a few excellent farmer's markets with locally grown, organic produce in Orange County.  In fact, as Ms. Pino so kindly pointed out to me, there's one very close to where I live.  From that day on, I've always wanted to go to said farmer's market but the only problem was it is on Tuesdays.  Well, now that I'm not working, I decided to take advantage, hop on Serena for a nice ride (16 miles round trip) and see what this farmer's market has to offer.  Enjoy

Porking 101

Hahahahahah...I'm so clever!  When you saw the title of this post called 'Porking 101', you probably thought you were going to see graphic photos or video showing me demonstrating the fine art of 'coitus', and then you saw that it was a photo of a pork loin and you were all 'DANG!'  Fooled you!  LOL and all that other stuff web douchers say.  (I hate myself)

Ok, on to the business of business.  Over the past several days, the family and I have been eating the same pork loin I grilled on the rotisserie attachment of my Grand Turbo BBQ.  I made that five pound monster and fed five adults and two kids with it, then had it over fried rice the next day, then the wife and I had it for dinner last night, and finally the wife and I had the same pork loin for lunch today.  The best part is, I still have a good two pounds of pork loin left over that I'll be consuming soon and the delicious pork loin only costs about three bucks a pound (or maybe less, I'm not a Harvard economist...).  So in today's tough economic times, pork loin is the way to go!

What's that you say?  You say "but its pork and pork isn't good for you!"  Well that's where you're wrong my friend.  As hard as it is to believe, it turns out that pork comes from the same animal that makes bacon and most sausages (scientists call them 'pigs') but what's even more odd is that pork LOIN is actually very good for you.  A three ounce serving of pork loin is 22 grams of protein and only 120 calories.  On top of that, there's other good stuff in it too....check it out:  http://nutritiondata.self.com/facts/pork-products/2152/2

Point being, pork loin is good and its good for ya and it's an inexpensive meat.  EAT PORK LOIN NOW!

Monday Morning

Its Monday morning on the SART and bum activity is at its lowest since the serial killer. In wonder what's up? 

Its Pronounced Keen-WAAAH But Its No Kung Pao!

I'm having some quinoa salad for lunch today since yesterday I feasted on Kung Pao chicken and chow mein.  The quinoa salad is refreshing and healthy and very affordable at Coscto if you want something you can have on the go.....awww shit, who am I kidding here, lets talk about that Kung Pao chicken!

Seriously, who invented Kung Pao chicken?  If that person never won the Nobel prize for kickass, then we have a serious problem with our society.  All my Asian friends (including my wife) make fun of me for digging the Kung Pao.  "Oh...its not REAL Chinese food" and "Yuk, how can you eat that crap??".  I guarantee you, every one of those naysayers secretly craves the Kung Pao.  Who gives a flying fuck if it's not real Chinese food.  Do the Germans criticize us because Frankfurters aren't real German food?  Do the Danish criticize people who like Hagen Daz even though its from New Jersey?  Do the people of Caprica criticize others because their double latte frappucino half caf with cold soy and chai drinks weren't actually made by Lieutenant Starbuck?  Hell freaking no they don't!  So why do my Asian friends criticize my love of Kung Pao?  Its because Kung Pao is awesome, they know it, and they want to eat it without shame the way I do.  So there...its settled, Kung Pao rules.

HOLY BALLS!!!

I just read that Rex Ryan now weighs less than I do.  I'm going to go throw myself in front of  a bus

Breakfast By Vitamix

I was just awesome yesterday....until about 4:00pm.  Wine and cheddar goldfish crackers are the enemy.

Pictured above is my breakfast this am.  Scoop of banana protein powder, frozen mixed berries, a smidge of water and some spirulina.  Pure greatness.  I may or may not exercise today.  As it stands now, I need to be close to the potty.

Chubb-O-Reeno

I realized after I saw some video of me this weekend that my five weeks of an unemployed life of excess are taking their toll on my gut and getting on the scale this morning confirmed as much.  I've gotten so large, that I'm in talks with some movie studios about an action film dedicated to me called 'The Not So Hunger Games', where my character "Largeness Gravyspleen" battles eclairs, bacon, and cheeseburgers to the death armed only with his bow that shoots hot dogs that boomerang around and go right back into his mouth.  Yes, the eating must stop.

This morning I did a seven mile ride on the SART to the gym, followed by an upper body workout, followed by a seven mile ride on Serena to get back home.  The above photo was my breakfast, a whole fresh peach, and a scoop of banana protein powder thrown into the Vitamix 5200 with ice.

Pissed

I went out to the garage yesterday to get on Serena and ride the SART to the gym for my Monday morning workout and this is what I saw...another motherscratching flat tire!  FLARG!!!!

I figured instead of ordering more Avenir tubes and getting frequent flats, I'd head on down to The Path bike shop to support my local business.  Unfortunately for me, I walked into The Path during what is apparently 'Bong 30' or something like that because there were at least eight people working and all of them appeared to be completely baked out of their minds.  I took one look around, realized this wasn't the typical weekend crew of hardened bike folks so I decided to try and help myself.  Here's what I found when I got to the shelf where they keep their tubes:

Yes, a complete unholy mess of shit, none of which matched the size tube I had.  Anywho, I got some guy to help me out.  The guy who works at the shop told me they didn't have my size and gave me another one and said (say this like Spicoli in your mind) "Deed, tubes totally stretch mahhn.  You'll be fine with this one brah." and then he just stared literally through my skull.  I think I maxed out his limited brain power at the time.  Anyway, normally I'd just bail on a place but I love the Path and figured it was 2:00pm on a Monday so maybe they didn't have their A players working.  I paid six bucks for my tube and got outta there.

Once I got home, I decided to do some research and discovered that the issue is more likely my tires than my tubes.  I read a couple of folks recommending these things called 'Continental Gatorskins' but I have no idea whether or not they'll work on my bike because It's damn near impossible to figure any of this shit out.

Why the hell cant' they make tires like shoes or something where you just say a size fucking 10 and everyone knows what you're taking about.

Sunday Funday!

First off, I'd like to say that I hate it when people say 'Sunday Funday!' so I want to be sure everyone knows  the header on this post is dripping with sarcasm.  Other things people say that I hate you ask?

1.  Staycation
2.  Three Day Vacay!
3.  Woot!  (What the fuck is woot?)
4.  LOL (Say something original you cretin)
5. Anything at all that most chicks post on Facebook.  (Sorry, I calls'em like I see's em)

Anyway... to the meat of the matter, I had some ramen for lunch, Sapporo Ichiban to be exact and now I'm feeling all bloated.  Combine that with the fact that its hotter than a three dicked pup in a fucking match around here and I'm not pleased.  How am I supposed to drink all day?  This feeling better go away soon or there will be hell to pay.

Saturday Strikeout

Today I figured would be a good day to go out, run around with the kids, and get some exercise (albeit light exercise) while getting the family involved.  Of course, as part of this grand adventure that ended up being the most vanilla Saturday ever, I brought along my trusty iTouch to document.

You might be asking yourself why the hell I'm posting this.  My reasons are as follows:
1.  For some strange reason, this amuses me
2.  If Wes Anderson can make a good living charging people nine bucks to watch two hour long movies that are self indulgent, largely about nothing, but still somehow interesting, I can post 11 minutes of the same for free on YouTube.

Don't worry though, this video is a great work of cinematography.  It's got action sports, conspiracy, family values, walks down memory lane, and a big finish that will leave you asking yourself 'Why would someone ruin the internet with this 11 minutes of blandness...'

Last but not least, in the spirit of the blog, there is exercise and nutrition involved (as in not enough exercise and eating too much).

Enjoy....

What Is Awesome and Rhymes With "Blew Thundred Hounds?"

Hey..who snuck that camera in while I was doing the bench?

The answer is...my awesome bench  press today.  For the first time since college, I was able to throw up over 200 pounds on the bench (205 to be exact).  So I may eat and drink too much, I may have no job, I may be totally delusional in thinking that the world is my oyster right now, but at least my bench is improving! Suck on that!

Other than the fact that my pipes are like coiled steel and impervious to modern weapons, not too much interesting happened today other than I ate a quinoa salad for lunch and had a chihuahua chase me while I was riding Serena home from the gym...after I benched 205 pounds.

For anyone out there who actually gives a fuck, the workout I did today was the 'Body For Life' workout developed by Bill Phillips.  So the 205 pound bench was six reps at the tail end of a 12 rep set at 130, a 10 rep set at 140, and then 8 at 175...which led to me setting a new world record.

SART Offense!

I got up this morning, rolled my unemployed ass out of bed, had three cups of coffee, got on Serena and then hit the SART for a ride to the gym so I can continue to increase my upper body strength while ignoring the obvious fact that I should eat a lot less and what do I see?  This shit (above).

I come rolling up at like 60 or 70mph and lo and behold, there's a traffic jam on the SART being caused by some dude holding a freaking stop sign while his buddies try to build a bridge.  Well...pardon me sir, didn't realize you holding a sign means I have to stop!  I can't believe the balls on that guy!  You can't stop me on the SART, I am King of the SART and I make the rules!

Anyway, I didn't feel like taking on 25 construction workers so me and three guys on road bikes hightailed it up that access road to the left, rode over the bridge being built, got on the dirt path side of the SART, and rode down one more bridge and then got back on the actual SART itself.  A major inconvenience I should say!  Long story short, I still made it to the gym, knocked out insane amounts of lifting, and then rode home.  All is well, now its time for me to eat.

Side note...the two chicks on beach cruisers are something I see frequently on the SART.  They're clearly heading to Huntington Beach because its only about eight miles from the point where the above photo was taken.  Problem is, the wind really picks up, you have tons of up and down bridges to go under, and then you have to pedal your single gear heavy bike back with a pound of sand grinding away on the inside of your ass cheeks.  Nice job girls, way to think things through.