Food From the Devil

Sorry for the sporadic blogging folks, last week I was in NoCal having high level meetings with important execs and whatnot....

Here's the lowdown, workouts are going great but over the past few days, I've found myself back on the Cheez-its and I need to stop.  These delicious little squares of evil are serious beast mode stoppers and something must be done about it.  NO MORE...I'm putting a self ban on Cheez-its!

The Squash Don't Lie

As if my own recommendation wasn't enough, one of my loyal readers went out to Trader Joes and picked up some spaghetti squash last weekend.  The photo above is of their spag squash made according to my awesome suggestions.  Check that baby out...how appetizing!  How healthy!  NOM NOM NOM!!!

Go out and get yourself some spaghetti squash today, you won't be disappointed.

So Durty!

Yesterday, after a great workout and a very healthy lunch, I did the smart thing and decided to go have beers with my buddy at some Irish joint called Durty Nelly's (pictured above).  Having a few beers and watching football is one thing, but having a few beers and onion rings and chicken nachos and a bowl of peanuts is quite another.  Needless to say, taking that kind of leap after several weeks of relatively healthy eating has left my guts in a state where I shouldn't be more than ten feet from the thunder mug at any given point.  FIRE IN THE HOLE!

Back in the day, when I ate crappy food all the time, my night at Durty Nelly's would have been no big deal. Back then, I would have eaten and drank beer to my heart's content, ripped some class 7 paint peelers all night long and then woke craving a huge stack of pancakes or something.  This is no longer the case and I'm glad.  Sure, when you're on the beers constantly, it's good to have a cast iron stomach that is just a quick stop in the constant chain of digestion that is your eating style.  But when you're doing good, you know you're doing good because a night at Durty Nelly's can catch up with you in a hurry and leave you feeling like two ferrets are fighting it out in your stomach and a healthy batch of hot lava is always in the on deck circle.

Side note...I went on Yelp, the most useless site on the planet, to see if there were any good pics of Durty Nelly's to post on the blog.  There were 11 pictures  nearly all of them blurry, some of them were of some amateur band, and then there was this one:

Nothing gives you a better idea of what to expect at an Irish pub than a photo of some chick who is drunk, clearly not Irish, apparently under age, and dressed as an angel singing karaoke.  Once again Yelp, top quality work.

Spaghetti Squash...its not just for dinner anymore

No, that's not a toy I had removed by doctors from my buttocks (or is it?), its a spaghetti squash and let me tell you they are damn good.  Consider this...if you eat this stuff instead of pasta, the taste is every bit as good, its healthier, and the calorie swing is something that NASA would have to calculate because its so dramatic.

How do you make one of these babies you ask?  I'm not totally sure how its made but I see the wife stab it with a knife 40-50 times, then put it in the microwave and run it for five minutes, then take it out while she swears like a sailor, then rotate, then microwave some more, then do it all again.  Once its done, you take it out, shred the inside and it looks just like spaghetti, then pour a nice healthy marinara sauce with some lean ground beef or chicken breast over it and you're having a hearty meal that is extremely healthy.

We ate one of these little beauties last night and the whole family liked it.  Sure my ass sounded like a bullhorn all night and all morning but that's a small price to pay for clean living!

GO OUT AND GET ONE TODAY

My Apologies

It has been brought to my attention that I've been falling down on the job in regards to my Gut Chronicles duties and for that I am truly sorry.  Let me give you an update:

• Still looking for a job.  It's slow going but I'm sure something will come along any day now for a seasoned professional such as myself.
• Weight loss is still at 20 pounds.  I'll admit it, I've slacked a bit on beast mode but I'm back on track.

Today was a treadmill day for me and I've gotta admit, getting on the treadmill and running your ass off is a good way to clear the head and get yourself moving for the day.  See the people in the photo above?  Well that's not me on the treadmill.  My treadmill vibe is blasing 'Search and Destroy' on the iTouch, running as hard as I can (slowly), and sweating like a pig while I huff and puff my way through the workout.  It's torture but its good.

RIP...

I try to keep this blog funny and entertaining for the most part but some times, with the shit life throws at the world, there really isn't anything funny to say.  Case in point...

The woman pictured above is Sarah Leaf.  Sarah was the person responsible for the incredible weight loss and fitness level I achieved before I let it all go back to hell.  The 'program' I am on now and a lot of the things I post about on my blog are straight from her and, when followed, seem to universally make people lose weight and get healthy.  Point being, this perfectly healthy, beautiful, 29 year old certified nutritionist was killed yesterday while riding her bike on PCH.

Without getting too dramatic, I'd like to point out that Sarah was a true professional, someone who was passionate about her client's health, and an all around good person.  Sarah could be a hardass and that was exactly what me, and about ten of my good friends needed to get our collective asses into shape.  If its possible to add some levity to this situation, some of my favorite interactions with Sarah when I was one of her clients (I lost 54 pounds in four months and was in the best shape of my life since high school when I saw her) went as follows:

Sarah:  "So what are some of your favorite things to eat when you're snacking?"

Me:  "Saltines"

Sarah:  "OK, so how many saltines do you eat?"

Me:  "A sleeve"

Sarah:  "What?  You can sit down and eat a whole entire sleeve of saltines?"

Me:  "Yep...just open one end and don't stop until I'm done"

Sarah:  "HOW DOES IT MAKE YOU FEEL WHEN YOU EAT AN ENTIRE SLEEVE OF SALTINES???"

Me:  "Like I want more"

Sarah:  "ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!??"
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A voicemail from Sarah when I was her client:  "Hi, its Sarah.  I'm just calling to confirm our appointment for Thursday this week.  By the way, I saw Alisha today and she told me about last weekend so you can just forget about trying to lie about it because I already know."

------------------------------------------

On my first consultation with Sarah, I told her I was going on a road trip to Chicago and on one of the days I was going to be there I was doing a big day/night out that included a Cubs game and all the awesome stuff that comes after.  Sarah told me that was perfect and that I should keep track of what I ate and drank on the day of the Cubs game so it could give her a good idea of what my work travel was like.  When I got back and met with Sarah, the conversations was:

Sarah:  "Ok, so lets start with the drinking.  List for me what you had to drink the day you went to the game and then out with customers after."

Me:  "So we got to Murphy's Bleachers at around 10:00am, had a few old styles..."

Sarah:  "How many Old Styles?"

Me:  "I don't know, probably four or five"

Sarah:  "This was before noon..."

Me:  "Yeah, it was at Wrigley, a day game...you know about baseball?"

Sarah:  "OK...just keep going"

Me:  "So we did the game, then went to some place called Sheffields or something and I had a couple of car bombs.  After that, we went to this bar that had batting cages and I did a bunch of jello shots while I was taking swings in the cages.  Let me tell you, I can still hit.  From there we hit Hugos Frog Bar and I had a couple of Woodford reserves before dinner and then probably like a bottle of wine during dinner with my steak.  Then we had a Wild Turkey and ginger for a night cap and went to bed around 2:30am..."

Sarah, interupting me:  "You seriously had that much to drink?"

Me:  "Yeah.  You should probably throw in another twelve beers or so that I had during the game"

Sarah:  "OH...MY.....GOD!"

Me:  "What?  You ever been to Chicago?  You should go."

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Long story short, Sarah was freaking awesome.  I fully admit I'm not the healthiest guy on the planet but Sarah changed my life in that fully understand now that when I decide to be healthy, I can do it and she gave me the tools to understand what actually eating healthy and being healthy is.

Rest in peace Sarah, you were one of a kind.

Oh m'Legs Ache

I got to the gym today and decided to do some leg lifting for the first time in a long time.  This chick was next to me showing me how its done.....ok maybe not, but holy balls my freaking legs are sore already.  Pure agony.

On the nutrition and weight front, I'm doing good, down 20 pounds and feeling like a champ.  Last night I let temptation get to me and I got into the Triscuits.  Triscuits are awesome but you can't eat just one of those babies, I think they were made by the devil to tempt me.

Holy Fatness

Yes, I'm fully aware that my posting hasn't been up to par lately and I apologize but I just haven't felt much like doing it.  On the good side, Beast Mode is still in full effect and as of this morning, I've dropped 18 pounds.  To give you an idea of how much 18 pounds of fat is, check out the photo above.  The chick in that photo is holding five pounds of fat so I've dropped nearly four of those suckers.  On the down side, I still need to lose another 25 pounds but hell, I'm well on my way!

Three Cheers For The Wife

We've got some people coming over today and that means a disaster for Beast Mode.  However, since nobody's here yet, I've been trying to keep it together and not go DEFCON 1 on the food.  So I had a healthy breakfast, and one hot dog for lunch but I was still not full and I was considering a second hot dog.  That's when my little lady, the wife, stepped in and got the save.  Turns out the wife had just made a tasty peach and vanilla protein smoothie (pictured above) with crushed ice in the Vitamix 5200 and that sucker was just what I needed.  The smoothie tasted just like a Pina Colada without the booze (unfortunately) and it did the trick for now.  Teamwork...that's what its all about.

Beast Mode Temporarily Suspended

It's labor day weekend baby and that means there will be somewhat of a Beast Mode stand-down.  The count right now is 14 pounds down so I may actually have the courage to take my shirt off today.  Stud says what?

If you want to know how to continue to eat healthy at holiday parties, don't ask me, ask the folks at Harvard:

http://harvardmagazine.com/2009/11/party-snacking-tips

There is Now Less of Me

Sorry I've been off the radar for a while, beast mode and job searching have been taking up a huge amount of time.  The good news is, I've lost 12 pounds in the past couple of weeks and I'm going full steam ahead with the workouts and eating right.

Instead of chowing down on delicious fast food and hooch all the time, I've been watching the booze intake and most of my meals look something like this:

That's right people, the kid is getting it done!

Gnome Beer

Beast Mode was slightly modified last night when I went out with some friends and had more than a few of these little babies.  The good news was, I ate lite and kept it together.  The crazy part is, when I had my cab driver drop me off a couple blocks from home so I could walk through the hood and enjoy the night air, a whole bunch of cats came out of nowhere and started following me.  I'm not sure if this Belgian ale with the farting gnome on the bottle makes you smell like catnip or something but it was freaking odd.

I did decide to get up and weigh in this morning.  To my pleasant surprise, I'm down seven pounds so far this week.  Beast Mode rules!

Help From Mrs. Beast Mode

This morning I did my ride to the gym, herculean upper body workout, and ride home routine.  It was a normal morning and I was feeling good about myself for going strong in Beast Mode.  As if the morning wasn't already good enough, I walked into the kitchen to make my protein smoothie and found the following:

That's right, before my wife took the kids to the beach for the day, she left a note on the refrigerator door of approved Beast Mode Snacks.  If that wasn't enough, I opened the refrigerator to get my spirulina and saw this inside:

Yes, the little woman even made me a Beast Mode style lunch so I would be sure to stay on track.  That's the kind of support a guy needs when he's trying to drop 40 pounds and get in shape.  Yes, some might take these notes as a clever way for the wife to tell me I'm a big fatass but not me, I'll take it at face value and roll with it.  The salad was awesome for the record.

Beast Mode Still in Effect

So far so good on Beast Mode activities.  I got up bright and early this am and did a four mile run so I could get it out of the way.  This is a photo of me, in pan, sweaty, and hot....but satisfied.

This afternoon, I'm meeting a friend for a 'quick beer' (10) at a Mexican restaurant.  I'm already psyching myself up for this.  Beast Mode is also about balance so I'm not worried about the beers too much but I am struggling with those free tortilla chips they give you.  Normally I can down about four or five bowls of those babies myself but I want to keep it under control.  I just checked with my friends at Nutritiondata.com and apparently a one ounce serving of tortilla chips is 137 caloires.  That isn't so good considering I probably eat 30 or 40 ounces in one sitting.  Hold me.

A Mighty Snack!

Ok, the title was a bit misleading.  A few years back when I saw a nutritionist who helped me lose 50 pounds (which I have subsequently gained back like a toolbox), I had a great conversation with her about snacking.  She told me on so many words that if I wanted a healthy middle o'the day snack, I should just let myself go wild and chow down on some almonds.  When I asked her what a suitable amount of almonds to snack on was, she told me ten..as in ten single almonds (pictured above).  Well I thought that was a complete joke and started calling her Princess Ten Almonds but, truth be told, she was right and I was healthy and looking mighty fine when I stuck with her program.  To that end, part of beast mode will involve eating her recipes and food suggestions.

Flash forward (or back maybe) to yesterday afternoon, when I was feeling powerful hungry for a snack.  I marched into the kitchen and busted out these ten almonds and tried to savor every bite.  I wasn't totally satisfied but that's expected when you're used to eating 6,000 calories per meal so I just sucked it up and went to go check on the kids.  That's when I saw this:

Sometimes my family is no help....and no, I didn't eat any chips

What? Are We In China or Something?

I rode to the gym this morning with my buddy Mark and as we rolled up to the normally empty bike rack, this is the shit we saw waiting for us.  I had to wedge Serena in there like she was just some common bike that a normal person would ride.  What the hell is up with that crap?  It's cool and all that half of Orange County has decided they want to be like me and bike to the gym, but give the man his space!  I plan on filing a grievance.

Activate Beast Mode

That's right, you heard it, I've activated Beast Mode.  The weight must come off, I must get serious, and that means healthy eating, next to no booze during the week, continue to exercise, and above all, no snacking at night...the killer of us all.

Part of Beast Mode is nutrition and I've been bad about eating breakfast when I should.  Since I'm riding to the gym around 9:00am today, I got up early and made a mega healthy beast smoothie.  The photo above is of my beast smoothie in front of my awesome X-Files poster.  Yes, I realize the photo looks like something you'd find in an envelope with a ransom note, but the lighting was bad and well, screw it.

I'm Gonna Cleana Serena

I got up this morning and did major cleaning and maintenance on my BBQ.  When I was done with that project I decided it was a good time to clean Serena and give her a little TLC.  She's been pretty dirty and her chain's been chirping at me so I figured while I was already sweating like a pig, I might as well make it happen.

There she is baby, all clean and lubed up, just ready for me to get on and work up a sweat!

Breakfast Stuff

Here's what I made the family for breakfast this morning, an awesome breakfast sandwich.  But is it healthy you ask?

Two slices of sourdough thins:  120 calories
Two eggs:  160 calories
Slice of cheese:  90 calories
Total:  370 calories

I'm guessing on calorie content, that's a pretty decent breakfast.  But what about the nutrition value of the ingredients?

According to Poindexter here at the Mayo clinic (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/cholesterol/HQ00608/), eggs are high in cholesterol but fine if you don't eat too many of them.  Since they have awesome protein, I'm going with HEALTHY.

Sourdough bread?  According to this guy:  http://www.danreid.org/health-alerts-sour-dough-health.asp, not only is sourdough bread healthy, it is, after spirulina (yeahoo), the 'staff of life'.  I'm not too sure about that but I'm gonig to say sourdough bread, in moderate quantities, is slightly healthy...or NEUTRAL

Cheese?  There are billions of conflicting articles but according to this neutral site:  http://nutritiondata.self.com/facts/dairy-and-egg-products/154/2 , the cheese is not so healthy, not horrible for you but not great either.  So we'll say slightly unhealthy.

I came up with a point to all of this while I was eating but then my youngest daughter spontaneously started singing a song she just made up called "Daddy's Armpits Are Hairy".  The lyrics are as follows:  DADDY'S ARMPITS ARE HAIRY!!!  DADDY'S ARMPITS ARE HAIIIIIRRRRYYYYY!!!....and so on and so on.

Long story short, my breakfast wasn't great for me but it wasn't bad for me.  I figure as long as I don't mow down one of my breakfast sandwiches all the time, I'll be doing just fine.

And one final thought, my armpits are indeed hairy

Running Sucks

Even though I love to get on my bike and ride, I decided this weekend I need to start mixing in some runs so I got up this morning and went for a run.  Some passerby got this photo of me and emailed it to me.  Haha.  I know I fooled everyone, but that's not really me in the picture!  FOOLED YOU!

Anywho, even though running is hard, especially when you haven't done it in a while, everyone knows running burns more calories faster than bike riding (if you run five miles, you burn about three times more calories than say biking three miles).  Why did I decide to start running you ask?

1. I need to lose 800 pounds
2. Its good for you
3. It gets the blood flowin and the energy a pumpin!
4. I like pain

If you don't believe me, then read this thing I found on the internet.  If its online, it must be true!:

http://www.active.com/running/Articles/6-Benefits-of-Running.htm

Scared'em All Away

This morning the weight room at the gym was completely packed until I walked in and everyone got the hell out because they were embarrassed by my iron pumping awesomeness.  That's how I remember it, lets just move on.

As you can see, I was the only person at the gym interested in working on the pipes this morning so I had  a nice workout, used all of the equipment, farted out loud, whooped and hollered whenever I wanted, and behaved like an unruly child.  It was awesome!

I felt that I was required to go to the gym this morning because my dinner last night was one of my Grandmother's old recipes and  I'm guessing it was five or six thousand calories (Below)

SPIRULINA SNEAK ATTACK!

Its been hotter than a well digger's asshole this past week so this morning I wanted to have something light and refreshing for breakfast.  I decided to make berry smoothies in the Vitamix 5200 for the family....the only thing is, I snuck some spirulina and protein powder in and didn't tell the kids.  Like a freaking 1978 Folgers instant coffee commercial around here!  POW!  Here's the video of my youngest giving it a shot.  The video ends abruptly because the wife called and it sent my phone into some kind of weird ass haywire mode that made the video stop.

Master of the Dawn

Here's me this morning in the middle of my 6:45am ride trying to look all cool but ultimately looking like a massive dork.  Was I listening to sinful rock and roll music you ask?  No, I was listening to 'The Startup of You' because its about time I get my ass back to work and make some money.  Just remember, if it don't make dollars, it don't make sense.

The wife made me healthy poached eggs this morning and as I was eating them, she politely suggested to me that drinking wine every day and eating like a pig could possibly be hindering my weight loss and fitness goals.  She's no expert on human biology, but man, I'm telling you, that lady cold be on to something!

According to Shapefit.com:

Pure alcohol contains about 7 calories per gram, which makes it nearly twice as fattening as carbohydrates or protein (both contain about 4 calories per gram) and only just under the caloric value for fat (9 calories per gram). This means that if you want to lose weight and reduce excess body fat, alcohol is not a good choice.

I wish those health folks would be more clear about things.  What are they really trying to say?

Lunch Is Served

I've spent the last week having lunches that consisted of foods such as:  cheeseburgers, fries, noodles, pizza, and all other manner of high calorie greatness.  Now that I'm back home, its time to buckle down and stop the pigging out madness.  The wife prepared this fantastic healthy lunch for me.  It is a salad of artisan lettuce, chopped turkey breast, onion, and quinoa salad on top.  The strange thing is, after all the gorging I've done over the past week, I think the body is all off kilter.  My tum-tum feels full and satisfied but my brain is saying "Where are the fries dawg?" and "When does the ice cream start?".  I may have overdone it a bit over the past seven days.

Oh Serena, Don't Be Like That

I'm finally back from a week long trip to NoCal and I was excited to get on Serena and ride and lo and behold, the old gal just wasn't working right.  At first I thought she was just being temperamental because I hadn't ridden her in over a week but then I realized there was a big problem shifting.  After riding around for half an hour, I decided to come home and turn to my trusty friend "YouTube" to figure out just what the hell is wrong.

As luck would have it, I found this fancy video from our friends at Intown Bicycles in Atlanta and I was able to fix her so she was good as new.  Turns out her derailluer was out of whack.  Thanks for the help Intown Bikes!

Still Eating

Just had a huge breakfast at this place in Benicia, California.  Sailor Jacks, good food and a great setting right on the water.  Point is, I haven't exercised in a week and nearly every meal I've had has been at a restaurant that serves huge portions of fatty food.  I'm just going to let it all go....complete and total abandon.

Ahhh the Family Life!

The wave cave at the Monterey aquarium.  You go inside and a huge rush of liquid blasts all over the cave.  Reminds me of what my colon must go through on a daily basis.

Don't Judge

Here we are at Chilis in Monterey, CA and I ordered a small garden salad with balsamic vinaigrette but the waitress must have thought I said "I'll have the chicken crispers and a huge beer please!"  Oh well, I'm not one to make trouble so I just ate it...all of it.

The wheels have come off the cart folks.

Nice Try Comrade...

I just saw that Alexandr Vinokurov won the gold in London on the men's road cycling race.  He did 250km at an average speed of just under 27mph.  Uhhmmm...congrats I guess?  I didn't realize they handed out gold medals for being a complete pantywaist.  Nice work dude but your gold medal ride is about half of what I got in the tank.  Maybe you should come out here to SoCal one of these days and we can settle things on the SART like men.  I think if Alexandr decides to take me up on my offer, I'll even agree to put square wheels on Serena just so he has a fair chance.

Yippiee!!!

That's What I'm Talking About

Getting shredded for the weekend.

Confessions of a Lunatic

This is what I had for lunch today.  A nice healthy turkey sandwich with pickles, artisan lettuce (whatever the hell that means), and a slice of Swiss cheese.  Yeah, the sourdough isn't 'perfect' but I was told by my nutritionist once that in the absence of whole grain, low glycemic bread, its a fair choice.  Anywho, the wife commented about how I had a healthy breakfast, went for a run, and followed it up with a healthy lunch.  I was about to just take her compliments and say thank you but I was overcome by guilt and the following words came out of my mouth  "Yeah, I'm feeling bad about eating a whole bag of jelly beans last night".

Now before you say "Well hey man, don't kill yourself, a bag of jelly beans is no big deal", just know when I say a bag of jelly beans, I'm not talking about the Halloween hand out kind of bag o'beans.  I'm not even talking about a movie theater size bag of jelly beans.  I'm talking about go down to Target and pick up a bag of jelly beans that should last you and your whole family a month size bag of jelly beans...and I ate the whole thing, by myself, while I was watching Destination Truth and The Daily Show.

I know, its shameful and embarrassing to admit to such a thing but I think the confession is cathartic and it gives you, my readers, a quick glimpse into the demons that plague me (demons that look like delicious jelly beans with little candy horns).  You're probably asking yourself just how one can sit down and eat a whole bag of jelly beans in one sitting and the answer is:  You just do it.  I'm not saying its easy to power down an entire bag of jelly beans, it takes dedication, discipline, and an unyielding commitment to the job, but what can I say, I'm that kind of guy, a professional.

Anyone know where I can get a good deal on insulin?

Tutti Fruity

I decided to have some of the organic fruits I got at the farmer's market for breakfast.  Thought it would be good to see if the kids had any insights or opinions on these majestic fruits:

The Dark Side of the Vitamix

Sometimes the Vitamix giveth and sometimes it taketh away.  The only thing I can say is, this horrid concoction was probably the most healthy Vitamix drink I've made so far.

A Trip to the Farmer's Market

Several months ago, in response to a question I asked on SummerTomato.com, I was told there are a few excellent farmer's markets with locally grown, organic produce in Orange County.  In fact, as Ms. Pino so kindly pointed out to me, there's one very close to where I live.  From that day on, I've always wanted to go to said farmer's market but the only problem was it is on Tuesdays.  Well, now that I'm not working, I decided to take advantage, hop on Serena for a nice ride (16 miles round trip) and see what this farmer's market has to offer.  Enjoy

Porking 101

Hahahahahah...I'm so clever!  When you saw the title of this post called 'Porking 101', you probably thought you were going to see graphic photos or video showing me demonstrating the fine art of 'coitus', and then you saw that it was a photo of a pork loin and you were all 'DANG!'  Fooled you!  LOL and all that other stuff web douchers say.  (I hate myself)

Ok, on to the business of business.  Over the past several days, the family and I have been eating the same pork loin I grilled on the rotisserie attachment of my Grand Turbo BBQ.  I made that five pound monster and fed five adults and two kids with it, then had it over fried rice the next day, then the wife and I had it for dinner last night, and finally the wife and I had the same pork loin for lunch today.  The best part is, I still have a good two pounds of pork loin left over that I'll be consuming soon and the delicious pork loin only costs about three bucks a pound (or maybe less, I'm not a Harvard economist...).  So in today's tough economic times, pork loin is the way to go!

What's that you say?  You say "but its pork and pork isn't good for you!"  Well that's where you're wrong my friend.  As hard as it is to believe, it turns out that pork comes from the same animal that makes bacon and most sausages (scientists call them 'pigs') but what's even more odd is that pork LOIN is actually very good for you.  A three ounce serving of pork loin is 22 grams of protein and only 120 calories.  On top of that, there's other good stuff in it too....check it out:  http://nutritiondata.self.com/facts/pork-products/2152/2

Point being, pork loin is good and its good for ya and it's an inexpensive meat.  EAT PORK LOIN NOW!

Monday Morning

Its Monday morning on the SART and bum activity is at its lowest since the serial killer. In wonder what's up? 

Its Pronounced Keen-WAAAH But Its No Kung Pao!

I'm having some quinoa salad for lunch today since yesterday I feasted on Kung Pao chicken and chow mein.  The quinoa salad is refreshing and healthy and very affordable at Coscto if you want something you can have on the go.....awww shit, who am I kidding here, lets talk about that Kung Pao chicken!

Seriously, who invented Kung Pao chicken?  If that person never won the Nobel prize for kickass, then we have a serious problem with our society.  All my Asian friends (including my wife) make fun of me for digging the Kung Pao.  "Oh...its not REAL Chinese food" and "Yuk, how can you eat that crap??".  I guarantee you, every one of those naysayers secretly craves the Kung Pao.  Who gives a flying fuck if it's not real Chinese food.  Do the Germans criticize us because Frankfurters aren't real German food?  Do the Danish criticize people who like Hagen Daz even though its from New Jersey?  Do the people of Caprica criticize others because their double latte frappucino half caf with cold soy and chai drinks weren't actually made by Lieutenant Starbuck?  Hell freaking no they don't!  So why do my Asian friends criticize my love of Kung Pao?  Its because Kung Pao is awesome, they know it, and they want to eat it without shame the way I do.  So there...its settled, Kung Pao rules.

HOLY BALLS!!!

I just read that Rex Ryan now weighs less than I do.  I'm going to go throw myself in front of  a bus

Breakfast By Vitamix

I was just awesome yesterday....until about 4:00pm.  Wine and cheddar goldfish crackers are the enemy.

Pictured above is my breakfast this am.  Scoop of banana protein powder, frozen mixed berries, a smidge of water and some spirulina.  Pure greatness.  I may or may not exercise today.  As it stands now, I need to be close to the potty.

Chubb-O-Reeno

I realized after I saw some video of me this weekend that my five weeks of an unemployed life of excess are taking their toll on my gut and getting on the scale this morning confirmed as much.  I've gotten so large, that I'm in talks with some movie studios about an action film dedicated to me called 'The Not So Hunger Games', where my character "Largeness Gravyspleen" battles eclairs, bacon, and cheeseburgers to the death armed only with his bow that shoots hot dogs that boomerang around and go right back into his mouth.  Yes, the eating must stop.

This morning I did a seven mile ride on the SART to the gym, followed by an upper body workout, followed by a seven mile ride on Serena to get back home.  The above photo was my breakfast, a whole fresh peach, and a scoop of banana protein powder thrown into the Vitamix 5200 with ice.

Pissed

I went out to the garage yesterday to get on Serena and ride the SART to the gym for my Monday morning workout and this is what I saw...another motherscratching flat tire!  FLARG!!!!

I figured instead of ordering more Avenir tubes and getting frequent flats, I'd head on down to The Path bike shop to support my local business.  Unfortunately for me, I walked into The Path during what is apparently 'Bong 30' or something like that because there were at least eight people working and all of them appeared to be completely baked out of their minds.  I took one look around, realized this wasn't the typical weekend crew of hardened bike folks so I decided to try and help myself.  Here's what I found when I got to the shelf where they keep their tubes:

Yes, a complete unholy mess of shit, none of which matched the size tube I had.  Anywho, I got some guy to help me out.  The guy who works at the shop told me they didn't have my size and gave me another one and said (say this like Spicoli in your mind) "Deed, tubes totally stretch mahhn.  You'll be fine with this one brah." and then he just stared literally through my skull.  I think I maxed out his limited brain power at the time.  Anyway, normally I'd just bail on a place but I love the Path and figured it was 2:00pm on a Monday so maybe they didn't have their A players working.  I paid six bucks for my tube and got outta there.

Once I got home, I decided to do some research and discovered that the issue is more likely my tires than my tubes.  I read a couple of folks recommending these things called 'Continental Gatorskins' but I have no idea whether or not they'll work on my bike because It's damn near impossible to figure any of this shit out.

Why the hell cant' they make tires like shoes or something where you just say a size fucking 10 and everyone knows what you're taking about.

Sunday Funday!

First off, I'd like to say that I hate it when people say 'Sunday Funday!' so I want to be sure everyone knows  the header on this post is dripping with sarcasm.  Other things people say that I hate you ask?

1.  Staycation
2.  Three Day Vacay!
3.  Woot!  (What the fuck is woot?)
4.  LOL (Say something original you cretin)
5. Anything at all that most chicks post on Facebook.  (Sorry, I calls'em like I see's em)

Anyway... to the meat of the matter, I had some ramen for lunch, Sapporo Ichiban to be exact and now I'm feeling all bloated.  Combine that with the fact that its hotter than a three dicked pup in a fucking match around here and I'm not pleased.  How am I supposed to drink all day?  This feeling better go away soon or there will be hell to pay.

Saturday Strikeout

Today I figured would be a good day to go out, run around with the kids, and get some exercise (albeit light exercise) while getting the family involved.  Of course, as part of this grand adventure that ended up being the most vanilla Saturday ever, I brought along my trusty iTouch to document.

You might be asking yourself why the hell I'm posting this.  My reasons are as follows:
1.  For some strange reason, this amuses me
2.  If Wes Anderson can make a good living charging people nine bucks to watch two hour long movies that are self indulgent, largely about nothing, but still somehow interesting, I can post 11 minutes of the same for free on YouTube.

Don't worry though, this video is a great work of cinematography.  It's got action sports, conspiracy, family values, walks down memory lane, and a big finish that will leave you asking yourself 'Why would someone ruin the internet with this 11 minutes of blandness...'

Last but not least, in the spirit of the blog, there is exercise and nutrition involved (as in not enough exercise and eating too much).

Enjoy....

What Is Awesome and Rhymes With "Blew Thundred Hounds?"

Hey..who snuck that camera in while I was doing the bench?

The answer is...my awesome bench  press today.  For the first time since college, I was able to throw up over 200 pounds on the bench (205 to be exact).  So I may eat and drink too much, I may have no job, I may be totally delusional in thinking that the world is my oyster right now, but at least my bench is improving! Suck on that!

Other than the fact that my pipes are like coiled steel and impervious to modern weapons, not too much interesting happened today other than I ate a quinoa salad for lunch and had a chihuahua chase me while I was riding Serena home from the gym...after I benched 205 pounds.

For anyone out there who actually gives a fuck, the workout I did today was the 'Body For Life' workout developed by Bill Phillips.  So the 205 pound bench was six reps at the tail end of a 12 rep set at 130, a 10 rep set at 140, and then 8 at 175...which led to me setting a new world record.

SART Offense!

I got up this morning, rolled my unemployed ass out of bed, had three cups of coffee, got on Serena and then hit the SART for a ride to the gym so I can continue to increase my upper body strength while ignoring the obvious fact that I should eat a lot less and what do I see?  This shit (above).

I come rolling up at like 60 or 70mph and lo and behold, there's a traffic jam on the SART being caused by some dude holding a freaking stop sign while his buddies try to build a bridge.  Well...pardon me sir, didn't realize you holding a sign means I have to stop!  I can't believe the balls on that guy!  You can't stop me on the SART, I am King of the SART and I make the rules!

Anyway, I didn't feel like taking on 25 construction workers so me and three guys on road bikes hightailed it up that access road to the left, rode over the bridge being built, got on the dirt path side of the SART, and rode down one more bridge and then got back on the actual SART itself.  A major inconvenience I should say!  Long story short, I still made it to the gym, knocked out insane amounts of lifting, and then rode home.  All is well, now its time for me to eat.

Side note...the two chicks on beach cruisers are something I see frequently on the SART.  They're clearly heading to Huntington Beach because its only about eight miles from the point where the above photo was taken.  Problem is, the wind really picks up, you have tons of up and down bridges to go under, and then you have to pedal your single gear heavy bike back with a pound of sand grinding away on the inside of your ass cheeks.  Nice job girls, way to think things through.

So healthy

Good old Red Vines. Always fat free so it must be good for ya!

Bring it On

Last night I took the wife to some trendy restaurant and ate wild caught fish and locally grown stone fruit salads and whatnot.  It was really cool but I'm guessing the caloric intake wasn't anywhere close to what I should be eating.  Now here's where the problems always start.  Last night was a foodfest.  Tonight, I'll be having choripan (pictured above) and some beverages.  Knowing I'm going to be pigging out, I should make a conscious effort to eat VERY healthy all day right?  Well, its a gorgeous day, I'm feeling good, and I can already tell there won't be much healthy food on this fine Saturday because I'm playing that stupid game we all play where I say to myself "Well, last night I blew it and tonight I know I'm going to blow it, so I might as well just live large and I'll get back on it tomorrow or Monday."  We all know this is a pointless exercise yet we still do it.  Why?  I don't know and I'm not going to try to explain, I'm just going to probably go buy a huge breakfast burrito and choke it down.  So there.

I sound like a chick.  Hold me.

Pipes Ahoy!

What?  You heard there was a massive explosion of testosterone and rage in Orange County today?  Oh..no need to worry, that was just me, doing a near record breaking upper body workout after riding Serena to the gym.  See folks, here's the dealio, I likes to pump some iron and I've gotten to be pretty good at it.  In the photo above, you can clearly see the business end of what was about to become a 185 pound bench press (six reps).  If the fact that I rode to the gym, THEN worked on the upper body doesn't set off a flood in your britches, then just know this...afterwards, I rode home too.  POW!

As impressive as all this sounds, I know full well that starting today, I'm headed into a weekend of complete excess.  I've got an all day kids pool party today, tomorrow we've got people coming over for a pool party/bbq and they will be staying over so we can watch the Euro 2012 final game.  It's going to be hotter than a well digger's asshole this weekend and that means there will need to be cool beverages.  Rumor has it, there may be some drinking and eating going on.  Therefore, I pledge to spend the weekend trying to completely undo any good I did with my exercise this week.  That is all.

From Hard Farts to Heart Smart

Yesterday started off great with an awesome workout followed by a healthy Grimace smoothie and the world was my oyster.  Then disaster struck.

I was supposed to have a business lunch with an old colleague/friend and he got hung up in traffic, it was already 1:40pm, all I'd had was my Grimace smoothie so I cancelled lunch and did the sensible thing:  I had a can of Dennison's hot chili with cheese and watched a three hour long documentary called "Endgame:  Blueprint for Global Enslavement" about how the elite of the world are trying to establish a new world order, eliminate 80% of the world's population, and control us all while sucking the world free of resources for themselves.  Obviously, when you've been healthy most of the day, the thing you want to do is have an 800 calorie lunch and watch TV for three hours.

After my lunchtime debacle, I got back to business and had a very healthy dinner of Talapia and quinoa.  Unfortunately for me, the wife brought home delicious It's It ice cream snacks so I had to have one (blaming her like Adam blamed Eve)...see below

Just to make sure I fully sabotaged myself, I followed up the Its It with some goldfish crackers and wine.  On the bright side, the combo of Dennison's Hot Chili and an It's It gave me the most prolific gas in the history of mankind.  My family was in awe as I peeled off Chicago roaster after Chicago roaster.  At one point, I think my seven year old lost consciousness  It was epic.  They must be so proud.

Now, at long last, we come to this morning.  After yesterday's failure to stick to Operation Savage Fist, I decided to have a healthy breakfast (see below)

What's that you say?  That looks like a big old cheesy omelet?  You're partially right.  That's a two egg omelet with a slice of diced lean ham, sauteed green onions, and a tiny smattering of cheese.  Most people would think that's a not so healthy breakfast but I have it on good authority that done right, and not using butter or salt, the above omelet is not only delicious, but also extremely healthy...so suck on that naysayers.  Now I'm not going so far as to say the omelet is as good as a can of Dennison's Hot, because its not even close.  Dennison's Hot is like mana from heaven poured over the nipples of Venus and into a can.  Nothing is as good as Dennison's Hot but my omelet this morning was delicious, healthy, and my heart and poop chute, which is still burning from last night's epic fart performance, are both thanking me.