Sunday, December 11, 2011

Tree Huggin' 101

I decided today that a great little father/daughter adventure would be to plan a totally organic meal and go full carbon neutral on top of it by riding our bikes to the store to get the chow we'd be having for dinner.  My little six year old adventurer thought that was a winning idea so we saddled up and headed out on our bikes.

We left the neighborhood and rode over I5 to get to the trail that would take us to our destination.  This was probably the most exercise I've had in nearly a week...unless you count eating steak and drinking beers as exercise.

Here's where we would exit our urban surroundings and get on the trail to a carbon neutral organic dinner.  I already feel like I'm giving the earth a gift!  (So lame)

On to the wooded trail.  I thought maybe we could go full on crazy organic nut job style and forage for nuts and berries for our meal, but the Broncos are -3 and I think they can easily cover so I wanted to get home in time for the game to see if the Tebow magic can hold out.

Here's where we make our exit from the trail to get back onto the street.  We're stealthy carbon free ninjas baby!

We had arrived at our local 'live work' small mall thingamabob.  There should be more of these in the world.  It's convenient, parking is good, and its local.

I know, I know, you're wondering what the hell all of this organic talk is if I'm going to sit there and drink a coke at Habit Burgers.  I get what you're thinking but it was lunch time and the kid likes Habit Burger so I agreed to stop.  They have lots of healthy salads and whatnot as well as burgers, so don't judge.

Whoa...what's this?  I thought I ordered a green salad with lite vinaigrette dressing, what is this giant cheeseburger and fries I see before me?  They must have screwed up my order!  Well, we're in a hurry and the girl at the counter was nice so I wouldn't want her to get in trouble for making a mistake, I guess I'll just eat this.  YEEEEEEEHAAAAAWWWWW!

My kid's got a couple of loose teeth so she has to eat everything with her molars.  Watching her try to eat her gummy burger with her molars was awesome.  It was like watching a dog trying to get peanut butter off the roof of its mouth.  So great

OK, lunch was over so we went over to Mother's Market (home of all things organic), chained up the bikes, and went inside to score a full organic dinner.  So fancy, so healthy, so hipster!

Organic green beans.  The organic meal is taking shape!  For the record, there is no hot ass whatsoever in Mother's Market.  I thought with all that healthy eating and organic stuff, Mother's would be an ass parade...this is not the case.

We did our shopping and one of the things my youngling wanted for the organic dinner was pork chops.  We were having trouble finding pork so I asked one of the hipsters who works there where the pork was (double entendre totally on purpose).  This chick looked at me like I was some kind of simpleton, gave me a condescending smile and said "We don't carry red meat".  Weeeeeelllll  pardonne moi!!  I didn't realize I was speaking with L'Grand Whore D'Hemp.  I felt like punching that wool cap wearing rake of a woman and explaining to her that pork is 'THE OTHER MOTHERFUCKING WHITE MEAT!", but I stayed calm and just thanked her and moved on.  On our way to the check stand, my daughter found this specific apple that she said looked like the best apple ever so we got that too.

Time to unchain Serena and my daughter's bike and skeedaddle home with our bountiful organic feast.  No carbon, organic food, I started feeling like I might actually register as a democrat.

That's a thing of beauty...back on the trail, Serena's dual side panniers fully loaded with earth's bounty, my daughter waiting for me to get my fat ass back on the bike and ride home.  I'm going to remember days like these when the zombie apocalypse finally happens and every day is a struggle to survive.

Back over I5 towards home.  My kid always feels like she's full of balls at this point because so many people have given her mad props on the trail for being cute and riding like a champ.  She pretty much thinks her shit doesn't stink.

Back at the hidden entrance to our neighborhood.  At this point, my kiddo informed me that she had to piss like a racehorse and I needed to quit taking pictures and haul ass back to the house.  It was a race against the clock at this point.

We arrived home safe and sound with our organic feast.  Onions, green beans, yams, and a pound of fresh, wild caught, Dover sole since Mother's Market is too proud to sell mammal.  Dumbasses.  We also have my daughter's apple and a coconut I bought so I could try to drink coconut water straight of of the coconut itself like Sikowitz in 'Victorious'.  I've always wanted to see if its any good.  I researched it online when I got home and it said drinking coconut water straight out of the coconut is totally safe and nutritious but it can cause the we'll see how it goes.  BEHOLD!  MY TOTALLY ORGANIC MEAL OBTAINED IN A 100% CARBON FREE WAY!!  Maybe this will motivate me to get my ass back on track.

Best of all, I had a happy kid who feels like she had a cool little outing with her dad.  As a side note, my daughter confirmed the apple she chose was indeed, the greatest apple ever as she chewed it with her molars.

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