Behold, the makings of an awesome breakfast...butter and bacon. I am two days from going full steam ahead on fitness and nutrition so I might as well just beat the everloving $hit out of my body now.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
So this was the main part of my Christmas meal last night. Yes, that is a giant prime rib wearing a hat of fatty beef ribs so the fat can just run down into the juicy middle. We set the grill on low so it cooked for over three hours and never got over 135 degrees in the middle. Mmmm beef fat and rare meat...mmmm. If you're wondering what that pan under the beef hat wearing prime rib is, it is a roasting pan to catch all the fatty drippings. Why would you want those fatty drippings you ask? Its so you can collect them and combine them with egg and flour to make Yorkshire pudding (below)
Diet starts on Jan 1.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Ahhh yes, a fine Christmas morning bike ride. I was a little itchy to get out of the house so I hopped on Serena and hit the SART. Everything was quiet on the SART and there was hardly any traffic except for a couple of folks who are left to walk because they clearly own no car and some hard-core road bikers. I decided on a little 4.5 mile sprint this am so I could get the blood pumping and not ditch the family for too long. It was a great time to ride, even the infamous 'Pit Bull Alley' was quiet (below)
I figure my calorie count for yesterday's Christmas Eve celebration was roughly 8,246 calories and I probably burned a good 200 calories on my ride this morning so I'm figuring another 41.23 rides down to the SART and back and I'm more or less even. Sweet fuck I need to get it under control after the new year.
Merry Christmas Gut Chronicle's fans!
Friday, December 23, 2011
What a glorious day! I decided to work from home today since its the holiday season and things tend to be slow anyway. Around 8:30am I thought it was a good time to get some exercise in but I was unmotivated to do my cardio. After some time thinking about what to do (taking a huge shit and thinking), I decided to have some fun and go out and ride my bike like I did when I was a kid...just pedal fast, ride places you're not supposed to go, and just generally have fun. So I left the iTouch and the GPS behind and took to the creek trail to ride like I was 10 years old again. At first, the ride was a bit tough since it was colder than a witches tit and there was tons of debris strewn all across the trail from the recent winds. After about ten min though, I got in a zone and rode like my ass was on fire.
The creek trail I ride ends about 3.5 miles from the trail head where I enter so I started to get a little bummed when I was approaching the easternmost end of the trail because I knew I'd have to turn back. To my awesome surprise, I realized the county had finally opened the extension to the creek trail they'd been talking about for many years (see photo of extension above). Since I was having such a good time, I just kept on pedaling to see how much further the trail went. As if the extension of the trail wasn't already great enough, I found that it comes within a half mile of two of my buddies houses. I'm not sure why I'm so excited about the trail extension being close to my friends' houses but fuck man, that is awesome. Before I knew it, I was almost home again and I had been riding at a vigorous pace for over an hour.
The entire ride was great with the exception of one point where these little kids had their tiny white dog (about the size of a small soccer ball) off the leash and running around. The little dog tried running after me and yapping. I thought it was funny until that little fucker started catching up with me and the kids were cheering that vicious little pint sized killer on in Spanish. I managed to pedal fast enough to out run the little ankle biter, but for a couple of seconds, I was horrified that little furball was going to catch me and latch on to my toe or something!
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Behold, my breakfast this am. If it looks unhealthy to you, well, you're right. This is a huge breakfast burrito with bacon from Anitas and its every bit as good as it looks. I've decided this year is damn near over with and if I'm going to get back on track in 2012 (just in time for the Myan doomsday predictions to come true), then I might as well get my chow on to end this incredibly inauspicious year.
What am I going to do once I'm done with my burrito you ask? That should be obvious to you, I'm going to go take a massive growler.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Now that there is a proper weight room and today, I had me a proper workout. The metal was blaring on the speakers, there weren't any jerkoffs in the weight room, and I was motivated dawg! I looked like one of the homies who is on the tail end of pulling a double nickle at Lompoc and he spent his entire time getting his reps in the yard. The weight was flying, the pipes were working, and everything was firing on all cylinders. Today was possibly the greatest workout any human has ever had. If I was a knight, my name would be Sir Lats-O-Lot. If I was a Japanese monster, I'd be Curlzilla. If I was a super hero, they'd call me Max Iron. If elected pope, I'd be known as Pope Trapezius IV. If McDonalds named a sandwich after me, it would be the McBench. If I were a Korean dictator, my people would call me Kim Jong HUGE. I think you get the point.
Side note....unfortunately I got to see something I need to put in the 'Could have gone my whole life without seeing that' file when I walked in on naked guy doing sit-ups in the steam room. Felt like saying "Training for the teabagging olympics there champ?"
I filled up the jalopy this morning and holy balls look at them gas prices? Spending $50 to fill 'er up sure makes me miss riding Serena to work. I can't wait for the days to get longer again so I can get back on my trusty bike and ride to work. Its free, its good for the planet, the body and its good for the soul.
What I'm trying to say people is ride your bike baby! Ride it like there's no tomorrow. I think I'll let Freddie Mercury do the talking at this point.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Saturday, December 17, 2011
I know, the world is wondering what happened to me yesterday and why there was no post on The Gut Chronicles. Well, I had fully planned to post but here's what happened....
I had to play golf for work (shot a 111) and then have dinner. I had Colorado lamb chops, a green salad, and a delicious Napa cab. Oddly enough, my appetizer was tuna tartare (see worst holiday foods entry). After golf and dinner I headed home and here's where it gets interesting....
I play this game with m kids where I chase them around he house when its bed time and try to catch them and throw them into bed. During last night's session of said game, I took a fall and smacked my noggin on the back of a big chair. Needless to say, the game was over and the side of my head hurt like a motherfucker. So I did the sensible thing after you hurt your head and poured a big glass of wine and sat down in my bed to watch some TV and complain like a girl that my head hurt. Next thing I know, I woke up this morning, still in my golf clothes and sitting up in bed, my head hurt like hell and my pits stank from not showering. It was a bad scene.
During my head trauma induced sleep, I had four very disturbing dreams:
- In Dream #1, my kids and their friends poured literally thousands of plastic Monopoly houses and hotels and thousands of Clue murder weapons in the pool. I yelled a them to clean it up and they wouldn't listen
- In this second dream, I was given a new iPhone at work and I kept dropping it and breaking it over and over again. They'd keep giving them to me and I'd keep breaking them
- Probably the most disturbing dream: I dreamed I was on top of a building with a friend and she fell of the building to what I can only assume was her death ***
- In this whimsical dream, I was changing into my bathing suit and I looked down and saw that I had two fully formed peckers, each with their own set of nards, and a third one was starting to grow. In the dream, I remember being horrified that I had two whore-pipes but at the same time, instantly wondering if it would be possible to nerk both throbbers at the same time. Hey, don't judge, it was just a dream!
Good news is, I'm ok now but other than my head hurting so I don't plan on going for a run today. Alas, there will be no workout.
*** I purposely didn't divulge the name of my friend who fell off the building because I'm going to write it on a piece of paper, seal it in an envelope, and then mail it to myself so its postmarked from today. In doing this, if said person actually does fall off a building, I'll have proof that my head injurty gave me second sight. Then I can make my living by traveling the world and doing side shows where you hit me in the head and I see the future! I would call myself "Otto The Three Dicked Clairvoyant!"
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
I was a house of fire yesterday. Healty eating, check...great workout, check...healthy dinner, check. Then, out of nowhere, I was savagely attacked by a box of Cheez-its. The only way to survive was to just keep on eating. Nomnomnomnom. Pathetic
Monday, December 12, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Here it is ladies and gents...the final product from my carbon neutral, organic dinner. The wife took what I bought (What? You thought I was going to make something after I rode over a mile to get the supplies? You've got another thing coming brother!) and made panko crusted wild dover sole, organic greanbeans and onions with thinly sliced shallots, organic wild rice, and organic rosted yams drizzled with Napa Valley extra virgin olive oil. I paired this entree with a 2009 Sanford Riconada single vineyard Chardonnay...call me fancy, it needed to be done. To say the dinner was exquisite is an understatement.
If you look at the China plate and think it looks familiar, don't worry, I didn't steal it from your house. You see, I was married once before and I chose this China pattern for our wedding registry. Upon my divorce, after writing a check for an insane amount of money, I declared "Fine, but I'm keeping the China!!!" (It was one of the nicest non-bank owned things we had). For over 12 years I've kept this China like it was some kind of trophy. Dozens of people have mocked my China, saying its ugly or it looks like something that came from the 1980's, but I stood by my China through thick and thin. That China was a monument to a tough time in my life, like the ear necklace of some crazy uncle from a foreign war...the China ain't pretty but its a testament to a hard fought battle where the notion of victory is a foggy ideal that only exists in the mind of some far away politician. Long story short, the victory China served me well up until a couple of years ago when the wife and I were watching TV (current wife that is) and a commercial for Shamwow came on. To my absolute horror, there, in a low rent commercial for an industrial strength jizz rag, was my beloved victory China. The shame lingers but the victory and my love of the China lives on.
Just in case you don't believe me...look at the above photo of my victory China and then watch the below Shamwow commercial. Pay special attention at the 29 second mark. Life can be so cruel...
I decided today that a great little father/daughter adventure would be to plan a totally organic meal and go full carbon neutral on top of it by riding our bikes to the store to get the chow we'd be having for dinner. My little six year old adventurer thought that was a winning idea so we saddled up and headed out on our bikes.
We left the neighborhood and rode over I5 to get to the trail that would take us to our destination. This was probably the most exercise I've had in nearly a week...unless you count eating steak and drinking beers as exercise.
Here's where we would exit our urban surroundings and get on the trail to a carbon neutral organic dinner. I already feel like I'm giving the earth a gift! (So lame)
On to the wooded trail. I thought maybe we could go full on crazy organic nut job style and forage for nuts and berries for our meal, but the Broncos are -3 and I think they can easily cover so I wanted to get home in time for the game to see if the Tebow magic can hold out.
Here's where we make our exit from the trail to get back onto the street. We're stealthy carbon free ninjas baby!
We had arrived at our local 'live work' small mall thingamabob. There should be more of these in the world. It's convenient, parking is good, and its local.
I know, I know, you're wondering what the hell all of this organic talk is if I'm going to sit there and drink a coke at Habit Burgers. I get what you're thinking but it was lunch time and the kid likes Habit Burger so I agreed to stop. They have lots of healthy salads and whatnot as well as burgers, so don't judge.
Whoa...what's this? I thought I ordered a green salad with lite vinaigrette dressing, what is this giant cheeseburger and fries I see before me? They must have screwed up my order! Well, we're in a hurry and the girl at the counter was nice so I wouldn't want her to get in trouble for making a mistake, I guess I'll just eat this. YEEEEEEEHAAAAAWWWWW!
My kid's got a couple of loose teeth so she has to eat everything with her molars. Watching her try to eat her gummy burger with her molars was awesome. It was like watching a dog trying to get peanut butter off the roof of its mouth. So great
OK, lunch was over so we went over to Mother's Market (home of all things organic), chained up the bikes, and went inside to score a full organic dinner. So fancy, so healthy, so hipster!
Organic green beans. The organic meal is taking shape! For the record, there is no hot ass whatsoever in Mother's Market. I thought with all that healthy eating and organic stuff, Mother's would be an ass parade...this is not the case.
We did our shopping and one of the things my youngling wanted for the organic dinner was pork chops. We were having trouble finding pork so I asked one of the hipsters who works there where the pork was (double entendre totally on purpose). This chick looked at me like I was some kind of simpleton, gave me a condescending smile and said "We don't carry red meat". Weeeeeelllll pardonne moi!! I didn't realize I was speaking with L'Grand Whore D'Hemp. I felt like punching that wool cap wearing rake of a woman and explaining to her that pork is 'THE OTHER MOTHERFUCKING WHITE MEAT!", but I stayed calm and just thanked her and moved on. On our way to the check stand, my daughter found this specific apple that she said looked like the best apple ever so we got that too.
Time to unchain Serena and my daughter's bike and skeedaddle home with our bountiful organic feast. No carbon, organic food, I started feeling like I might actually register as a democrat.
That's a thing of beauty...back on the trail, Serena's dual side panniers fully loaded with earth's bounty, my daughter waiting for me to get my fat ass back on the bike and ride home. I'm going to remember days like these when the zombie apocalypse finally happens and every day is a struggle to survive.
Back over I5 towards home. My kid always feels like she's full of balls at this point because so many people have given her mad props on the trail for being cute and riding like a champ. She pretty much thinks her shit doesn't stink.
Back at the hidden entrance to our neighborhood. At this point, my kiddo informed me that she had to piss like a racehorse and I needed to quit taking pictures and haul ass back to the house. It was a race against the clock at this point.
We arrived home safe and sound with our organic feast. Onions, green beans, yams, and a pound of fresh, wild caught, Dover sole since Mother's Market is too proud to sell mammal. Dumbasses. We also have my daughter's apple and a coconut I bought so I could try to drink coconut water straight of of the coconut itself like Sikowitz in 'Victorious'. I've always wanted to see if its any good. I researched it online when I got home and it said drinking coconut water straight out of the coconut is totally safe and nutritious but it can cause the squirts...so we'll see how it goes. BEHOLD! MY TOTALLY ORGANIC MEAL OBTAINED IN A 100% CARBON FREE WAY!! Maybe this will motivate me to get my ass back on track.
Best of all, I had a happy kid who feels like she had a cool little outing with her dad. As a side note, my daughter confirmed the apple she chose was indeed, the greatest apple ever as she chewed it with her molars.
Sorry about the lack of posting the past couple of days, something's wrong with my email and I can't quite figure it out. I should have it all worked out toda but in the meantime, Gut Chronicles seems to be blowing up in Europe. I hear you Europeans like soccer and I like Keeley Hazell, so look at that while I'm working this thing out.
I have to go poop now
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Lately I've been getting quite a few hits on the Gut Chronicles from my brothers and sisters in Russia. I've been trying to think of a way to show my appreciation for them without being offensive because during most of my formative years I was told daily that Russians are scary people who dope teenage gymnasts, have bombs pointed at America, and grind up bibles to make toilet paper. Truth be told, my only knowledge of Russians is Ivan Drago from Rocky IV (above), and the hot chick in Elton John's 'Nikita' video (below)
So truth be told, I know absolutely nothing about Russia or Russians. I made an effort last weekend to do a sexy Russian post but after searching for hours for the perfect photo, I realized that there are no photos of a hot Russian girl in a thong and bikini top standing in front of the Kremlin with giant Soviet era flags waving in the background. Since my attempts at bonding with my Russian fans failed, let me just offer a simple thank you. This blog would not have earned $2.88 in ad revenue year to date without the generous page views from Russia. Muchas Gracias comrades!
After doing my last post of clam chowder and my epic failure of a trip, I decided to not order the half pound Yankee Pier chuck burger with fries and I got a salad with vinegarette instead. Its so filling too. I can feel the pounds just melting away...along with my dignity
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Another day, another airport breakfast. I'm trying to go healthy with the eating again for the 800th time and here's my nutritious breakfast. Coffee that's hotter than the surface of the sun, water, and a fruit salad made for Starbucks by HMS Host in Maryland. Since HMS host is a huge multinational giant, my 'salad of seasonal fruits' is probably made from produce picked by eight year olds in Chile and the Philipines and then hand packed with love by political prisoners in China and ultimately shipped across the Pacific where I can enjoy it in an airport. Man, life is f@cking good brother! Life is good. One small concern is that one of the ingredients listed is 'Strawberries vers 2.0'. What the f@ck is the vers 2.0 part? Am I eating a strawberry genetically altered with lizard fetus or something? At least its healthy....
**sidenote: Ever notice how the music at every Starbucks sounds like something you'd hear at a bowling alley at 3:18am on a Tuesday? So depressing and bad.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
I'm just going to come right out with it, I've blown off four days of training this week and I am ashamed (not really). The lack of training has been weighing heavy on my mind and that always causes me to waste time by filling my mind with other things. For instance, just this weekend, I spent a good hour discussing Space Muff with my buddies Ogre and The Thrill.
Ogre and The Thrill, while both normal, gainfully employed guys on the outside, are two flesh and bone databases of all things science fiction. Ogre and The Thrill's unreal sci fi knowledge is so great, the government should declare their brains national treasures. Since Ogre and The Thrill contain so much sci fi knowledge, its easy to draw them offsides with a simple comment and get them to send dozens of emails discussing any given particular topic on the genre. The topic this weekend started with me telling Ogre that #6 from The Battlestar Gallactica series isn't all that hot. This spawned a massive discussion on Space Muff in general (Space Muff is hot sci fi chicks) that ended with me, who had gotten in way over my head, asking Ogre and The Thrill to provide me with their top five lists of all time hottest space muff in order (one being top space muff). Before I give the lists, I'd like to mention that I am honored to be the first person to document such important items from the brains of Ogre and The Thrill
I'm not sure about the order of The Thrill's space muff list so I'm going to go in the order he listed, starting with the bottom:
#5 Hottest Space Muff....Grace Park
#2 Hottest Space Muff...Anne Lockhart
#1 Hottest Space Muff...Jenny Agutter
#5 Hottest Space Muff...Jennifer Agutter
#1 Hottest Space Muff...Natasha Henstridge
Observations from yours truly:
- Apparently Ogre and The Thrill have no issues with having stuff from the 70's and 80's still hanging around in the spank bank
- Neither one of them went for an alien being with green skin or anything. I find this strange but I'm into some crazy stuff
- Ogre pointed out that his #1 pick, from the movie 'Species' is still his #1 "even with the razor sharp quills and death after sex issues factored in". I love it that he factored painful death after banging her and still puts her at the top of his list. Just so great.
- The only chick to make both lists was Jessica from Logan's run so I have to think that was a very early and positive memory for Ogre and The Thrill
- The Thrill and Ogre both picked Mathilda May from 'Lifeforce' as an honorable mention. I had never heard of her before but when I googled her, I was immediately greeted with 800 topless photos so I'm guessing Mathilda was naked in most of that movie and that's why Ogre and The Thrill both like her. And why not, who doesn't like a space vampire who has no problem getting her juggs out?
- In general, it seems that The Thrill likes space muff that has military rank (I'm guessing he likes to be tied up and degraded) while Ogre prefers deadly villain space muff (wants it to hurt). Either way, both The Thrill and Ogre like to be dominated. Sick bastards.
- Ogre submitted another list of 'Fantasy/Adventure muff'. Ogre clearly spends a great deal of time thinking about movie muff in general.