Sunday, November 27, 2011

Near Death Experience

I was proud of myself for running six miles this am so after I showered and had a protein and spirulina special (insert joke here), I thought it would be good to get a photo of  myself for the good ol'Gut Chronicles.  So the photo above is what one gets when one interrupts one's daughter watching a movie and says "Hey, can you get off the couch, come outside, and take a picture of your old man?"  Guess I'll have to be more specific next time.

Today's run was a challenge to say the least.  I think a few times during my six miles I lost consciousness and/or started crying.  I can't really be sure because the memories are horrible and foggy but I know I finished because my gps watch says I ran that far and my buttocks, thighs, hammies, and calf muscles hurt like hell.  Long story short, I did it and I'm proud of myself.  Since I'm proud of myself, that means only one thing, backyard hot tub party time today.  They hot tub is heating up as we speak and I plan on celebrating whilst in the hot tub with my world famous 'Guava Lava' beverage (pictured below):

Guava Lava is simple to make if you find the EXACT ingredients.  You need one bottle (or more) of Lady of Spain Cava (Spanish bubbly) and some Hawaiian Sun strawberry guava nectar.  I'm not saying Guava Lava is the greatest drink ever, but when it comes out, the bikini tops come off brother!  You pour a nice healthy glass of cava and then top it off with just a hint of strawberry guava nectar (the color of the cava should barely turn to a very light pink).  Guava Lava is great to have by the pool or when you feel like sneaking something onto the golf course or when you want to get the ladies drunk and randy.  Its just damn good so drink some, drink some now.  And yes, I realize that when trying to lose weight, drinking mass quantities of sparkling wine and a sugary beverage isn't a fantastic idea, but neither is Valentine's day and you don't see people bailing out on that piece of shit useless holiday.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Getting Into The Groove...

No, that is not the poster child for some new charity dealing with people who have massive heads, its me, after my three mile run this am.  I'm beginning to feel good about this half marathon thing.  With the help of my trusty glide stick, I no longer feel like someone took a power sander to my crotch, my pace is getting better, and I don't feel like I'm going to stroke out midway through my run.  Tomorrow is a six miler so that will be the true test of my progress.

On another good note, in spite of being a piggy all week, I managed to drop a couple of pounds that I had gained so I'm in a good space mentally (better start drinking immediately to cure that good feeling).

So lets run through this morning's checklist:

  • Balls and asscrack - no longer chaffed and in good shape
  • Ingrown hair on inner thigh - almost gone
  • Gas - intense, frequent, and rancid.  Need to do something about that
  • Stamina - getting better
  • Weight - still portly but screw it, it was a vacation week
  • Pride and/or dignity - non existent
That should do it, below is a shot of my cute little pace riders this am.  They always help me get through it.

Friday, November 25, 2011

So its the day after Thanksgiving and shit just isn't adding up, not one single bit.  First off, I gained weight all week in spite of working out and following Hal Higdon's fucking half marathon training program.  So, I figured for Thanksgiving, and today...and probably tomorrow, I should just blow off training and any hope of eating right and deal with it later.  Now before I tell you what happened, let's have a brief rundown of the last couple of days:

  • Yesterday, I ate like a pig all day long.  Do not judge me, I am an American and its my right.  I probably overdid it a tad when I was watching Texas beat A&M (Hook'em) and, in my wine addled state, I decided I needed a little bit o' Thanksgiving leftovers.  I went into the kitchen with the intention of grabbin some turkey out of the fridge and having a bite, but when things got going, I made something magnificent that I called 'The Gobbler Cobbler'.  The Gobbler Cobbler is a giant bed of mashed potatoes, a huge helping of stuffing, a large layer of that green bean casserole stuff, all covered in gravy.  The Gobbler Cobbler was probably a good 4,000 extra calories.
  • This morning, I was setting up Christmas lights outside my house when I realized someone had knifed the front and rear tires on the left side of my car, this sent me into a blind rage so as soon as I dropped the car off at the tire place and ran my credit card for $771, I immediately went next door to Del Taco and had a Del Combo burrito meal with an extra taco (if you're not familiar with Del Taco, go to this link so you can understand the magnitude of what I ate:
  • After my run in with Del Taco, I got home, watched some football, and drank some wine.
Upon reading my last two days of no exercise and outright gluttony, I'm sure you can imagine what the scale read when I hopped on before my first shower in two days.  Well, whatever you imagined was wrong because somehow I lost weight.  What the hell?  Who knows.  Maybe a steady diet of Del Taco and Gobbler Cobbler is all I need to achieve my fitness and nutrition goal.  Maybe I'm going about this all the wrong way.

ps.  I tried to post a photo of Del Taco but when I googled images, all it was was logos and photos of dumbasses eating at Del Taco.  Since the Del Taco image search didn't yield any results, I googled "Hot Mexican" because that's roughly the same thing as Del Taco and the above photo is what I picked. 

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Well Happy Thanksgiving there pilgrim! This is the type of Native American I visualized when I was first told about the first Thanksgiving and I think its probably exactly how they looked. Welcome to the Thanksgiving edition of Gut Chronicles. I'll give it to you in little bits:

  • I worked out this am but it was tough since I have major chafing of the undercarriage from all the running and an ingrown hair the size of a pine cone on my inner thigh.  I combatted these ailments with zit cream that passed its expiration date a year ago and the runner's best friend, something called 'Glide Stick'.  Glide stick looks like deoderant but its a lubricant and you rub it all over your nuts, inner thighs, and sometimes your two hole to avoid chaffing.  Appetizing isn't it?
  • Next, my advice for staying healthy during thanksgiving is...don't do it.  I advise you to eat everything in mass quantities and drink lots of booze.  America is going straight down the shit pipe and Thanksgiving is one of the few American traditions we can still celebrate without any lame ass interference from anyone or some group getting their feelings hurt.  It's American, its excessive, there's football, and you should enjoy it while you still can.
  • Fooball you say?  Take the San Francisco 49ers who are getting three points on Thanksgiving.  Holy shit man, talk about free money!  49ers have won eight in a row against the spread and they're underdogs against a Baltimore team that recentlygot whipped by the Seahawks?  Stuff that in you turkey.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Workout Song O'The Week...

'The Pretender' by Foo Fighters is this week's workout song o'the week. This song is so badass it made me just run up and punch this big dude right in the face when I was running today...wait, maybe it was an old lady in a walker. Big guy, old lady, I'm not splitting hairs here, all I know is the Foo Fighters came on and I was overcome with righteous rage so I punched a stranger, hard, in the face.


It was 47 degrees at 07:20am today when I started my run.  Here's me modeling my 'running when its colder than a whore's heart' gear before I did my three miler.  When you're on the Hal Higdon program, Tuesdays are supposed to be an 'easy day'.  Well Hal, you can shove easy up your ass because running three miles in the cold when you're sore and tired ain't easy you old bastard!  Hold me.

Where was I, oh yes, the run, I braved the arctic temps and ran at a pretty good pace this am so Day 2 of Week 2 of the 12 week Hal Higdon intermediate half marathon training program is now in the bag.  Speaking of bags, where is that bag of Halloween candy???  Oh yes, that's right, its in my tum-tum.  I'm not helping myself.

Monday, November 21, 2011

My Own Worst Enemy

Here's me, November 21, 9:02am, post workout.  Why do I look unhappy you ask?  Its probably because I hurt and I actually gained weight this weekend in spite of working out.  I'm no scientist, but I'm guessing the weight gain was due to the pizza, Cheetos, Halloween candy, booze, and entire box of Wheat Thins I ate, all with cheese.  Working out this am was a savage journey into the dark heart of introspective lameness and farts.  Each step of this morning's strength training was a painful dose of self loathing with an almost unbearable urge to fart or make big potty.  Seriously, I couldn't believe how bad I had to fart, I was clutch cargo the entire workout.  Eventually I realized there were only old timers around me at the gym so I started dropping test farts to see if anyone noticed.  At first it was just one quick 'Brap!' and nobody looked around.  Since nobody looked around at first test fart, I decided to extend myself a little 'beeewwwwoooowww...putputputput', still nobody looked.  So finally I just figured screw it and I was a regular fart machine walking around the gym.  I was actually starting to amuse myself and then I almost shit my pants on one so I figured I better stop.

I got home and started feeling better about myself.  I made a great protein shake with frozen mixed berries, fiber (don't really need that), and a shot of spirulina.  With my healthy breakfast I downed some Metagenics for men vitamins and decided I'm fine.  I realized I did a week's worth of half marathon training and am off to a good start on week two so hell yes, I rule.  Here's me just after making my self affirming protein shake...

Ahhh, nothing like better living through chemicals to make a man happy!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Nut Freezing Run Day!

I just completed week one of training for my half marathon by running five miles in arctic conditions with my six year old daughter leading the way. How committed am I to this half marathon you ask? I'm so committed that I haven't even signed up for it yet. I'll admit it, I'm honestly afraid, scared like a little girl to train for 12 weeks so I can run 13.1 miles. Last time I did a half marathon, my pace was just under two hours. If I tried to do 13 miles today, I'd drop dead about seven miles into it. I did five miles today and I feel like someone punched me in the left ass cheek as hard as they can and then kicked me in the right thigh. I have a long way to go.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Running Man

I have not yet signed up for the half marathon but training has begun and I've lost two pounds in the last two days and really haven't even been eating all that healthy.  I'm following the training program of the great Hal Higdon (above).  When I look at the photo of this old fart, I kind of wonder if he really knows what he's talking about but I've done it before and it worked so it should work again.
Why have I not signed up you ask?
First, I don't have anyone else committed to doing this thing.  Last thing I want is to be all Han Solo with the race training.  Second, training for a long race is painful, boring, and lonely.  Third, its cold and I'm a huge pussy when it comes to cold weather.  Finally, I don't feel supremely motivated yet.
So as I sit here, eating my egg white omelet and holding back the massive growler that needs to come out of me very soon, I'm thinking about it...thinking about putting my $110 down right now so I'm signed up for this baby.  I'll let you know how it goes.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

The Chronicles Lives!

Greetings Gut Chronicles readers.  I've been getting bashed repeatedly for not updating the Gut Chronicles so I thought I'd check in and explain myself.  You see, I've been busy, eating bad food, being a pig, going to China, Taiwan, and Hawaii (pictured above).  During this time, I've probably worked out a whole five times and consumed half my own weight in Halloween candy.  Yes, the past few weeks have been a low point in my quest to look like Thunderlips The Ultimate Male.

On the good side, I've gained minimal weight and I've begun training for a half marathon that will take place in February.  All is not lost my friends, all is not lost.

I promise to start updating more frequently.

This email and attachment(s) may contain material that is confidential, privileged and/or attorney work product for the sole use of the intended recipient. Any review, reliance or distribution by others or forwarding without express permission is strictly prohibited. If you are not the intended recipient, please contact the sender and delete all copies.