Sunday, August 28, 2011
The kid, showing off her competitive spirit....
Here's my daughter giving her expert opinion on the basics of working out and what it all means. She's clearly dialed in on fitness matters...pain = good.
Overall, the ride was great because I was able to make sure Serena is ready for the SART again next week. As far as I can tell, Serena is all systems go, gears a workin, tires full of air, and no funky sounds. Yeeeeeehawww!
Saturday, August 27, 2011
I thought I'd give the girls a challenge and tell them to ride up 'Heart Attack Hill' thinking they wouldn't make it. To my pleasant surprise, those little turds pedaled right up to the top of the hill and only struggled a little. My next challenge will have to be more severe, maybe Everest.
We finally made it home and had our normal post run discussion. Mom made us healthy smoothies so we could relax, and shoot the shit like regular folks after our run. Aaaaahhh the family life!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
In order to try and get rid of the sexy snacking devil and get my mind right, last night I watched a documentary called "Food Matters" while I was eating cheese crunchies (low fat) and having some wine (four or five gallons). Food Matters is an interesting documentary that gets very preachy about how all doctors are morons and everything in life, including advance stage cancer, can be cured with massive doses of vitamins and proper nutrition. Once you get past the religious zealots and raw food hipsters, there's a lot of good an practical information on what you should be eating in general based on the concept of 'you are what you eat'.
Having said all of that, throughout this documentary, several superfoods were mentioned like:
- Raspberries - I already eat lots of those
- Cacao - boring, so last week, and I already eat that from time to time
- Goji berries - sounds weird and like something people who stink eat and hey man, I'm not looking to join a cult or anything
- Acai - people of the Amazon have been eating Acai for Melina! That's great because people of the Amazon also put disks in their lips, get high by sucking toads, and have never put up a serious fight against any foreign invader...not a group I want to follow
- Noni - I'm not eating anything that sounds like it was named after a fat kids grandma
On the other hand, there was one superfood listed that really got my attention, something called 'Spirulina'. Supposedly spirulina is packed with protein and antioxidants and could be the worlds most perfect food...I was intrigued so I did some research on the subject and it looks like spirulina is the real deal, a food above all foods, THE ALPHA FOOD! In addition to spirulina being a great all around food, there are several other facts about spirulina that make me want to get some now and put it in my body:
- It's an algae - everyone knows that if we're ever going to colonize other worlds, our brave astronauts will need to recycle their own bodily fluids and eat algae as their main source of nutrition. I'm not drinking my own pee, but dang man...spirulina is astronaut food and if I'm going to colonize another planet one day, I better get my ass on the program right now!
- It's blue - Spock's blood was blue, maybe this will turn my blood blue like Spock's and we all know that anything Spock-like is totally freaking awesome
- It grows naturally on rocks around volcanic lakes - that just sounds totally badass. Anything that comes from a volcano freaking rules! (side note, one time I was at Volcano National Park in Hawaii and I asked these two tourists to take a photo of me. The whole place smelled like sulphur and I had to fart. So, as I was walking away from the tourists, I figured I could just ease one out and nobody would be the wiser. Unfortunately, the fart didn't ease out, it sounded like a prolonged thunderclap and was a total shocker. I just kept on walking, hanging my head in shame, never looked back. True story)
- Its something I can use to make hipsters and vegans feel inferior - Hipster/Vegan: "Whatcha eating Jon-O?" Me: "Oh nothing, just having some spirulina. Oh what? You've never heard of it? Wow, you must not be a true hipster. Time to turn in your beat up old sneakers and mismatched thrift store clothes dude, you've been exposed. POW!"
I knew last night that I had to have me some spirulina immediately so,Long story longer, I went to the website where I get my vitamins and looked it up. Guess what? Turns out I've already had mass quantities of spirulina! (gasp, massive plot twist!). Way back when, when I was seeing my nutritionist, she prescribed a powder for me that is made of 'superfoods' and it turns out this powder has a whopping dose of spirulina in every scoop. Dang that girl is smart! I will be ordering more and you will all notice how awesome my spirulina infused, healthy, Spock's blood pumping body looks in no time at all!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Saturday, August 13, 2011
The family exercise thing on Saturday has become a regular event. Today even mom got her ass out on the trail for some running, it was fan-freaking-tastic! The video above is us at the halfway point. My huffing and puffing was not an exageration, I was wiped out. Today I brought the Garmin GPS watch so I could see exactly how far and how fast (read to mean slow) I was running.
The plan was for me to run behind the girls while they rode their bikes and fought over who got to ride first and then to turn around, head back towards the wife and then have her run back with us when we reached her. Here's where we found her, doing lunges on the trail. Turns out she was on the verge of shitting herself so it was touch and go the whole way back home.
Finally back home after four miles of hauling ass (more like grinding away), here's the post family exercise recap from the two kids who spend all day long talking and then don't have shit to say when they're on camera. Stay with this video for the big power finish, you won't be disappointed.
- Getting dressed in the sauna - There's one dude who comes into the sauna, throws all of his clothes on the wooden bench seat, drapes his sweaty ass towel over the wall protecting the hot rocks doohickie, and then proceeds to get dressed in a painfully slow manner IN THE FREAKING SAUNA. Not only is it totally annoying because the sauna isn't a freaking changing room, its disgusting to watch that old man spend 45 minutes trying to pull up his soaking wet tighty whiteys and then fight like a snail with his wet t-shirt. Man, you've gotta keep that shit to yourself!
- Wet smacking noises - if you need to make wet smacking noises, go do it somewhere else. Its offensive and rude and its a violation of code. There's one dude who comes into the sauna with a gallon jug of water and then sits there, constantly pouring a little water over his head and then rubbing himself all over his body while he breathes heavy and makes noises. What the hell is going on there man? You getting yourself off in some new and inventive way or are you just trying to annoy the rest of us so much that we'll leave? That guy drives me insane, he sounds like a big dog licking its own asshole. Wet smacking noise guy makes me want to barf and he needs to keep that shit to himself.
- Walking around naked, talking to everyone guy - There are several of these code violators at my gym, guys who walk around buck naked for like an hour, and want to talk to everyone. If you know me, you know I have absolutely no problem being naked or seeing naked; what I have a problem with is a dude who's in close quarters with a bunch of other dudes, most of whom are strangers, trying to engage those guys in conversation while said dude is naked. "Hey Jimbo! How's that back therapy going? You feeling any better? The other day I was talking to Mavis and I says to her...." Hey Larry King, shut your piehole, put some clothes on, and take it outside. Sweet mother of crap I hate 'naked talking guy'. You know another thing about 'naked talking guy'? Naked Talking Guy never ever has a good body or looks like he belongs anywhere near a gym. Naked talking guy is always some flabby weirdo with back hair and grey pubes. Barf...keep that shit to yourself naked talking guy
- Just hanging out guy - One of the strangest of all code violators is just hanging out guy. Every now and then, there will be a dude, fully dressed, just sitting around in the locker room, watching TV. What the hell is that all about? This is a clear code violation because if you're in the locker room and you're dressed, get the hell out of the locker room. Hey, if you like looking at sausage, that's totally fine, but if you like looking at sausage that doesn't want you looking at it, you've got a problem. There's a dude who works at my gym who is frequently just hanging out in the locker room. I think he goes into the locker room to hang out on his break or something. This guy's job is handing out towels to people when they come to the gym and I think he's touched or something because he doesn't seem like he's all there. When this guy is just hanging out in the locker room, he makes no attempt to hide the fact that he's a world class penis inspector, he just sits there, looking like Slingblade, staring at your junk. Usually he'll say something like "Hi! Are you going to work out?" Do not be 'just hanging out guy', keep that shit to yourself.
- Stretching in the steam room - This code violator is probably the most clueless of all. You can have five guys sitting in the steam room, just hanging out, and this code violator will come walking in, stand in the middle of the steam room, and start doing naked stretching complete with heavy breathing. The fact that people evacuate the steam room when stretching guy comes in doesn't phase him at all, he just keeps on stretchin. Man, you need to just assume at all times that nobody wants to see your asshole after you've worked up a good sweat on the treadmill. What the hell is wrong with these dumbasses who think its ok to stretch in the steam room? YOU'VE GOTTA KEEP THAT SHIT TO YOURSELF!
*Side note. For the word 'tighty' (as in tighty whitey), one of the words suggested by spellcheck is 'titty'. tee hee hee
Friday, August 12, 2011
The real story is my renewed motivation towards top nutrition. I felt like I made it over the hump (temporarily) yesterday and am back on the nutrition vibe so that's awesome. I've got a big party I'm going to on Saturday night that should involve booze and bad food so I need to make the most of the next couple of days. I can guarantee I'll run my ass off tomorrow morning because the kids are already asking if they can do the bike ride while I run and sweat like a prize pig tomorro am so that is covered.
Best of all, I noticed this morning that I'm definetely looking thinner and I'm able to fit (barely) into my old jeans so all this stuff is paying off. Other than that, there's not much to report at this time, so suck it and wait for a better entry.
Thursday, August 11, 2011
I know what you're saying, "Hey chunks, pizza isn't healthy, you're a big dumbass!". Well folks, that's where you'd be wrong. I had Ezekiel Pizza and it is extremely healthy. In fact, the Ezekiel Pizza is so damn mother scratching good that its one of the things I eat even when I'm not trying to be healthy (92.4% of the time). I'm not going to give the full recipe because it comes from Sarah Leaf, nutritionist extraordinaire but one of the things it features is Ezekiel tortillas as the crust. The Ezekiel tortilla (available at TJ's, Whole Foods, and Mothers) is made of sprouted grain and uses a recipe from the Bible. Long story short, its extremely healthy, low in calories, and has all kinds of uses in healthy recipes. Go pick some up and make it happen! Fair warning, if you eat the Ezekiel tortilla without prepping it in anyway, it tastes like shit on cardboard, but if you know how to handle one of those babies, it can be a lifesaver on a night where you're not feeling healthy but want to eat healthy anyway.
If you want the full recipe and many other good eating healthy recipes and tips, and the occasional swift kick in the ass, call Sarah yourself:
Sarah Leaf, Nutritionist - 949.285.0987
The weight loss has come to a near standstill so last night while I was having some pretzels and wine, I did a little soul searching. I came to the conclusion that the reason the weight loss has come to a standstill is that I'm eating pretzels and wine in bed. DANGIT!!! Why must those tasty nuggets and the fruit of the vine be so delicious! So this morning, I decided to hop back on the bike and hit the SART with a vengeance (SART is Santa Ana River Trail for my newer readers). The photo above is the 17th street bridge on a cold August morning.
The ride on the SART this morning started out pretty normal. I saw my share of homeless guys walking off the rot gut hangover they had from last night. I saw the normal smattering of very large Latina women walking along, clearly on their first and last day of a fitness routine, and I saw the usual 'serious road bike' crowd that patrols the SART. Indeed, everything was as it should be on the SART when all of a sudden, on my left, I heard a man start talking. Out of nowhere, an old guy on a recumbent bike had appeared. It was akin to Kenny Rodgers 'The Gambler' but instead of a chance meeting on a train, it was a dude and his bike. The combo looked like a giant sausage with a head sticking out of it, moving at high speed. The old man, who I will refer to as AriSARTole wasn't even cracking a sweat. AriSARTole was either a very fit old dude, or he was just sitting there, completely encased, with Bridget the Midget pedaling and gargling his marbles all at the same time (fingers crossed that it was the later).
As AriSARTole rode up on his fully encased recumbent bike, he spoke. AriSARTole's words of wisdom were as follows: "So I'm riding down the hill in Malibu, fully loaded like you" (AriSARTole was referring to my bike, Serena, with my fully loaded Topeak MTX explorer dual pannier bag on the back). AriSARTole continued "I'm just riding along and this guy on a roadie comes up like he wants to challenge me. Can you believe that? I've got a full pack on my bike and this roadie wants to race." I asked AriSARTole what happened and he replied "Well, I couldn't help it so I went for it...the roadie lost. I felt bad for that guy because he just doesn't understand, it's not about the speed, it's about the ride" And like that, AriSARTole smiled at me, I heard a click as he changed gears, and then he sped off like a flash. Normally I don't like recumbent bike guy and I don't like old timers, but AriSARTole was cool, and the wisdom he passed on this morning was just what I needed to hear, it ain't how fast you do it, its that you keep doing it. Ride on AriSARTole, ride on.
As a side note, after AriSARTole gave me his words of wisdom, I realized that a guy that much older than me should not ride that much faster than me, regardless of technology. I started feeling a little pissed off and then I saw some plump Emo teenage kid on his bike ahead on the trail so I sped up and passed really close to him on the left just in case there was any doubt who the man is...made me feel better.
Totally unrelated to AriSARTole, but I got to the gym and saw this baby. Whoever rides this rig is OS...Original SART.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Thursday, August 4, 2011
The interesting part comes starting tomorrow. You see, I'm going away on a golf weekend with the boys and, being the man's man that I am, that could mean I go full gonzo like one of my heroes, the late great Hunter S. Thompson. There's no question about it, this weekend I'm playing it by ear and hoping for the best. I realize my quest for Thunderlips is legit and I want to get fit and healthy, but I'm sure as hell not giving up my life. Who knows, maybe I'll just play some golf, eat some chow, and take it easy. Then again, I might golf, drink, gamble, eat bad food, and just act like a freaking animal. Nobody knows and I sure as hell don't care. I'll post when I can and if I can this weekend, but don't expect much. Life's too short!
"No sympathy for the devil; keep that in mind. Buy the ticket, take the ride...and if it occasionally gets a little heavier than what you had in mind, well...maybe chalk if of to forced conscious expansion: Tune in, freak out, get beaten" - Hunter S. Thompson
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Oddly enough, as I was finishing up today's post, wondering how I gained weight, and working on my third cup of coffee, I had that sudden feeling that one gets when they know something massive is working its way south. Its a feeling similar to when you just hit the crest of the first big hill on a roller coaster...you know its going to be great but your guts are in knots and you're scared as hell. All of a sudden, I realized I was dialated to four and the contractions were right on top of each other, I needed to get to the can in a hurry.
Anyway, with my apologies to the folks at John Wayne Airport, I just dropped a sewer pickle that had to weigh a good six pounds. I wonder if there's a scale around here that I can use....
When I thought back about my weekend, I did some drinkin and some snackin, but I really didn't do anything so major as to cause a two pound net gainer so I'm not too sure I'm buying the results I saw on the scale this morning. Who knows, maybe it was a minor setback, maybe I just need to drop a huge log, maybe I'm menstrating...what am I, a scientist or something?
Anywho...in spite of my little whoopsie daisy, The Quest for Thunderlips the Ulitmate Male continues! This week is full of travel and social stuff so it could be a serious challenge, but like life, its a journey. Probably the lamest thing I've ever said.