Friday, September 28, 2012

So Durty!

Yesterday, after a great workout and a very healthy lunch, I did the smart thing and decided to go have beers with my buddy at some Irish joint called Durty Nelly's (pictured above).  Having a few beers and watching football is one thing, but having a few beers and onion rings and chicken nachos and a bowl of peanuts is quite another.  Needless to say, taking that kind of leap after several weeks of relatively healthy eating has left my guts in a state where I shouldn't be more than ten feet from the thunder mug at any given point.  FIRE IN THE HOLE!

Back in the day, when I ate crappy food all the time, my night at Durty Nelly's would have been no big deal. Back then, I would have eaten and drank beer to my heart's content, ripped some class 7 paint peelers all night long and then woke craving a huge stack of pancakes or something.  This is no longer the case and I'm glad.  Sure, when you're on the beers constantly, it's good to have a cast iron stomach that is just a quick stop in the constant chain of digestion that is your eating style.  But when you're doing good, you know you're doing good because a night at Durty Nelly's can catch up with you in a hurry and leave you feeling like two ferrets are fighting it out in your stomach and a healthy batch of hot lava is always in the on deck circle.

Side note...I went on Yelp, the most useless site on the planet, to see if there were any good pics of Durty Nelly's to post on the blog.  There were 11 pictures  nearly all of them blurry, some of them were of some amateur band, and then there was this one:

Nothing gives you a better idea of what to expect at an Irish pub than a photo of some chick who is drunk, clearly not Irish, apparently under age, and dressed as an angel singing karaoke.  Once again Yelp, top quality work.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Spaghetti Squash...its not just for dinner anymore

No, that's not a toy I had removed by doctors from my buttocks (or is it?), its a spaghetti squash and let me tell you they are damn good.  Consider this...if you eat this stuff instead of pasta, the taste is every bit as good, its healthier, and the calorie swing is something that NASA would have to calculate because its so dramatic.

How do you make one of these babies you ask?  I'm not totally sure how its made but I see the wife stab it with a knife 40-50 times, then put it in the microwave and run it for five minutes, then take it out while she swears like a sailor, then rotate, then microwave some more, then do it all again.  Once its done, you take it out, shred the inside and it looks just like spaghetti, then pour a nice healthy marinara sauce with some lean ground beef or chicken breast over it and you're having a hearty meal that is extremely healthy.

We ate one of these little beauties last night and the whole family liked it.  Sure my ass sounded like a bullhorn all night and all morning but that's a small price to pay for clean living!


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

My Apologies

It has been brought to my attention that I've been falling down on the job in regards to my Gut Chronicles duties and for that I am truly sorry.  Let me give you an update:

  • Still looking for a job.  It's slow going but I'm sure something will come along any day now for a seasoned professional such as myself.
  • Weight loss is still at 20 pounds.  I'll admit it, I've slacked a bit on beast mode but I'm back on track.
Today was a treadmill day for me and I've gotta admit, getting on the treadmill and running your ass off is a good way to clear the head and get yourself moving for the day.  See the people in the photo above?  Well that's not me on the treadmill.  My treadmill vibe is blasing 'Search and Destroy' on the iTouch, running as hard as I can (slowly), and sweating like a pig while I huff and puff my way through the workout.  It's torture but its good.

Saturday, September 15, 2012


I try to keep this blog funny and entertaining for the most part but some times, with the shit life throws at the world, there really isn't anything funny to say.  Case in point...

The woman pictured above is Sarah Leaf.  Sarah was the person responsible for the incredible weight loss and fitness level I achieved before I let it all go back to hell.  The 'program' I am on now and a lot of the things I post about on my blog are straight from her and, when followed, seem to universally make people lose weight and get healthy.  Point being, this perfectly healthy, beautiful, 29 year old certified nutritionist was killed yesterday while riding her bike on PCH.

Without getting too dramatic, I'd like to point out that Sarah was a true professional, someone who was passionate about her client's health, and an all around good person.  Sarah could be a hardass and that was exactly what me, and about ten of my good friends needed to get our collective asses into shape.  If its possible to add some levity to this situation, some of my favorite interactions with Sarah when I was one of her clients (I lost 54 pounds in four months and was in the best shape of my life since high school when I saw her) went as follows:

Sarah:  "So what are some of your favorite things to eat when you're snacking?"

Me:  "Saltines"

Sarah:  "OK, so how many saltines do you eat?"

Me:  "A sleeve"

Sarah:  "What?  You can sit down and eat a whole entire sleeve of saltines?"

Me:  "Yep...just open one end and don't stop until I'm done"


Me:  "Like I want more"

Sarah:  "ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!??"

A voicemail from Sarah when I was her client:  "Hi, its Sarah.  I'm just calling to confirm our appointment for Thursday this week.  By the way, I saw Alisha today and she told me about last weekend so you can just forget about trying to lie about it because I already know."


On my first consultation with Sarah, I told her I was going on a road trip to Chicago and on one of the days I was going to be there I was doing a big day/night out that included a Cubs game and all the awesome stuff that comes after.  Sarah told me that was perfect and that I should keep track of what I ate and drank on the day of the Cubs game so it could give her a good idea of what my work travel was like.  When I got back and met with Sarah, the conversations was:

Sarah:  "Ok, so lets start with the drinking.  List for me what you had to drink the day you went to the game and then out with customers after."

Me:  "So we got to Murphy's Bleachers at around 10:00am, had a few old styles..."

Sarah:  "How many Old Styles?"

Me:  "I don't know, probably four or five"

Sarah:  "This was before noon..."

Me:  "Yeah, it was at Wrigley, a day know about baseball?"

Sarah:  "OK...just keep going"

Me:  "So we did the game, then went to some place called Sheffields or something and I had a couple of car bombs.  After that, we went to this bar that had batting cages and I did a bunch of jello shots while I was taking swings in the cages.  Let me tell you, I can still hit.  From there we hit Hugos Frog Bar and I had a couple of Woodford reserves before dinner and then probably like a bottle of wine during dinner with my steak.  Then we had a Wild Turkey and ginger for a night cap and went to bed around 2:30am..."

Sarah, interupting me:  "You seriously had that much to drink?"

Me:  "Yeah.  You should probably throw in another twelve beers or so that I had during the game"

Sarah:  "OH...MY.....GOD!"

Me:  "What?  You ever been to Chicago?  You should go."


Long story short, Sarah was freaking awesome.  I fully admit I'm not the healthiest guy on the planet but Sarah changed my life in that fully understand now that when I decide to be healthy, I can do it and she gave me the tools to understand what actually eating healthy and being healthy is.

Rest in peace Sarah, you were one of a kind.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Oh m'Legs Ache

I got to the gym today and decided to do some leg lifting for the first time in a long time.  This chick was next to me showing me how its done.....ok maybe not, but holy balls my freaking legs are sore already.  Pure agony.

On the nutrition and weight front, I'm doing good, down 20 pounds and feeling like a champ.  Last night I let temptation get to me and I got into the Triscuits.  Triscuits are awesome but you can't eat just one of those babies, I think they were made by the devil to tempt me.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Holy Fatness

Yes, I'm fully aware that my posting hasn't been up to par lately and I apologize but I just haven't felt much like doing it.  On the good side, Beast Mode is still in full effect and as of this morning, I've dropped 18 pounds.  To give you an idea of how much 18 pounds of fat is, check out the photo above.  The chick in that photo is holding five pounds of fat so I've dropped nearly four of those suckers.  On the down side, I still need to lose another 25 pounds but hell, I'm well on my way!

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Three Cheers For The Wife

We've got some people coming over today and that means a disaster for Beast Mode.  However, since nobody's here yet, I've been trying to keep it together and not go DEFCON 1 on the food.  So I had a healthy breakfast, and one hot dog for lunch but I was still not full and I was considering a second hot dog.  That's when my little lady, the wife, stepped in and got the save.  Turns out the wife had just made a tasty peach and vanilla protein smoothie (pictured above) with crushed ice in the Vitamix 5200 and that sucker was just what I needed.  The smoothie tasted just like a Pina Colada without the booze (unfortunately) and it did the trick for now.  Teamwork...that's what its all about.

Beast Mode Temporarily Suspended

It's labor day weekend baby and that means there will be somewhat of a Beast Mode stand-down.  The count right now is 14 pounds down so I may actually have the courage to take my shirt off today.  Stud says what?

If you want to know how to continue to eat healthy at holiday parties, don't ask me, ask the folks at Harvard: