Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Gut Chronicles Shanghai edition! The Chinese gov't wanted me to get my ass over here to show these folks how to throw up massive amounts of weight and blast their biceps, so who am I to refuse?
As America's fitness guru to the people of China, I have one initial question...what the fuck is a Kilogram? I heard that term once when I watched Miami Vice 20 years ago but other than that, no clue. By the way, look at the weight stack in this picture? What the hell? Are we lifting weights here or trying to do calculus people? No wonder the Chinese are better at math than we are. DANG!!!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
No, not really, I do not drink beer at lunch (ahem). I will admit, me mouth started watering like some sort of Pavlovian dog when I saw the High Life truck this am, but on to other things...
My cold is all but gone and I've had two impressive workouts so far this week. Unfortunately, wine and Cheezits have been a major part of my life in the evenings. Whatever the case, I'm still going to make this happen, it'll just take longer than planned.
Last night I watched 'Winter's Bone'. Its an uplifting movie about a 17 year old hillbilly girl who's looking for her drug dealer dad in the Ozarks. Point being, from watching that movie, it looks like being a crank addict is a great way to keep your weight down. I think I might give it a shot.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
I realized today that The Gut Chronicles got a hit from Saudi Arabia. I was fairly excited to add another country to the growing list of fans so I IM'd a buddy of mine in Seattle. The short exchange went as follows:
ME: 'My blog got a hit in Saudi Arabia today'
BUDDY: 'Must have searched for poop'
Now I ask you, is that any way for a friend to behave?
This is the drizzly barfo morning today. Yes folks, the days of me riding the SART are over until it starts to stay light longer and the weather is more predictable. The challenge now is not to pack on the winter wheat. Folks here at the office are talking about training for a half marathon in Feb. Probably a grand idea.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
To the owners and patrons of Stacks restaurant in Burlingame: I'd like to offer my most sincere apology for what I just did to the shitbox in your esteemed establishment.
To the loyal readers of Gut Chronicles: You can safely add six pounds to whatever I said my total weight loss was earlier this am
No really, I have a cold going so I'm literally viral. Last weekend was a booze fueled foodfest with limited exercise but I managed to use moderattion so no weight was gained. I'm holding steady at a paltry 14 pounds lost but its better than a sharp stick in the eye.
Today I'm back on the road and I'm sick, so there will be no hotel exercise (insert jerking off jokes here). The photo above is of my large Americano (note I didn't say Vente). The reason this photo is relevant is that I took some Dayquil non drowsy just before downing this gallon of caffine laden fast acting laxitive. Now I'm sitting on an airplane waiting for it to take off and I think I need to take a growler. It could be serious clutch cargo time until they turn off the seatbelt sign. Wish me luck.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Friday, October 7, 2011
I just had Indian food for lunch and had a couple helpings of Tikka Masala that had copious amounts of what I thought was tofu...nice healthy tofu. To my unpleasant surprise, after eating about 35 pounds of this stuff, I found out it was cheese. My tum-tum is extremely grumbly right now and I'm not feeling so great. It would be a massive understatement to say I ate a lot of cheese. Its a horrible feeling to know that any second, this stuff is going to come shooting out of my ass like a bright orange fountain. I'm frightened and sad and I want to be held.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
After the majority of our ride, I took the kids to an elementary school that looks like its all locked up but always has a side gate open so we get the playground all to ourselves. My oldest daughter still thinks she's getting away with murder when we ride our bikes through the halls. Here we are trying to get a little extra exercise in. Pretty sure I damaged my hammy on this one. How does one blow a hammy whilst trying (unsuccessfully) to do a pull-up? I have absolutely no clue but I think I did.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
The photo below shows real life classic shamblers on the Santiago Creek Trail. Just check those dipshits out, taking up all available space like they own the fucking thing. The shambler on the right asked me to let them know which side I'm going to pass on next time so they'll know which way to move. I felt like saying "Hey dumbass, there is no side, you're taking the whole fucking trail up with granny and the dog! How about if you stay to the right of the dotted line like any normal human being and I'll pass on the left!" Whores. As a side note, I wasn't really prepared to take this photo and as a result, granny there almost got an unexpected delivery to her back door. It was a close call but I survived.
Its tough to see in this photo because I didn't want Sergeant Dickowitz here to shoot me, but there's an archery range on the Santiago Creek Trail. Sgt. Dickowitz was in full cammo just fine tuning his archery skills, preparing for the coming apocalypse.
OK dammit, here we go. I can't avoid it anymore. I told some guys at work that I was going to see how many push-ups I can do and put it on the blog. When I chickened out on said challenge last week I got called out so after my ride this am, I recorded my consecutive push-up try. I have to say, I'm pretty impressed with myself because I really didn't think I could do more than fifteen or so. So suck on that people!