Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Taiwan Failure

So it turns out they have this thing here in Taiwan called 'Beer'.  Turns out beer is really good so I had a few of them last night along with some Japanese BBQ that was delicious (ate beef tongue...).  That brings us to this morning.  Clearly the thing to do was get out of bed, hit the gym, and have a nice healthy breakfast.  While the gym was a fantastic idea, I opted instead for plan B which was to drag ass down to the hotel restaurant and have some French toast.  I know...I'm pathetic.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Nihow Bitches!

Gut Chronicles Shanghai edition!  The Chinese gov't wanted me to get my ass over here to show these folks how to throw up massive amounts of weight and blast their biceps, so who am I to refuse?

As America's fitness guru to the people of China, I have one initial question...what the fuck is a Kilogram?  I heard that term once when I watched Miami Vice 20 years ago but other than that, no clue. By the way, look at the weight stack in this picture?  What the hell?  Are we lifting weights here or trying to do calculus people?  No wonder the Chinese are better at math than we are. DANG!!!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Workout Song of the Week

There was a fair amount of chatter about my post from yesterday regarding workout songs so I thought we'd feature workout songs of the week (read to mean whenever I feel like it) on Gut Chronicles.  This week's great workout song is so great that you may want to duct tape your ass cheeks shut before you click on the link because if you're not used to something rocking this hard, your asshole could blow out.  Fair warning.

Considering Running My Arse Off

So I went to the gym today and hit the treadmill for some cardio.  It got me thinking that I'm seriously considering running the Surf City Half Marathon in Feb.  I realized that it was only a little over a year ago that I ran the OC Half Marathon and finished in under two hours (pictured above).  One one hand, training and running in a half marathon is excellent exercise and you can't help but shed some pounds.  On the other hand, training for a half marathon is three months of hard as f*ck exercise that gets progressively worse and worse and worse.  The chafing you get on your asscrack is off the charts, the sore muscles are crazy, the little nagging tweaks and injuries you pick up while training suck, and then it all ends and you feel great for about two hours after the half marathon until you realize that nobody else gives a flying sack of f*cks that you accomplished something.
But I'm definetely considering it....
ps.  As you can see, that photo isn't me running a half marathon, its a grizzly bear running through a river.  The reason I didn't post the pics of me running my halfer is because I'm computer illiterate and the gol durn photo site that tries to sell you the photos has some blocker thingie so you can't just do the ol'right click and save move.  If you want to see the real photos on the photo site, and they are highly impressive, just follow this link:

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Hot Gym Action

So I went to the gym at lunch today to work on 'the temple'.  I was in the free weight room doing an epic lower body workout...the quads were bulging and the hammies were straining under the massive amounts of weight I was lifting (this was from me just standing up).  Seriously, I was really putting in my time and making it happen in there.  Towards the end of the workout, when I was putting that extra work in that will make it so it hurts for me to do simple things like stand up or sit on the toilet for the next two days, when I really needed that extra inspriation that only good old fashioned hard crunching metal can give you, that was when the music doohickey suddenly changed and I heard something that caused every dude in the weight room to look at the speakers in shock and horror.  Some dumbass who controls what music is piped into the fitness center decided that it was a great time to play Simon and Garfunkle's '59th Street Bridge Song' (aka 'Feelin Groovy).
Who the hell would ever put that crap on to be played in a gym when people are trying to get inspired to work out harder?  I think it was a combo of the massive amounts of testosterone that my body produces and my anger at the stupidity of that song choice, but at that moment, I wanted to find the person responsible for this musical transgression and give them one of those badass David Lee Roth style flying kicks (pictured above) right in their nuts (or lady parts depending on the gender of said individual)!  I'm surrounded by goobers and morons!

Well Hey There! Its My Lunch Being Delivered!

No, not really, I do not drink beer at lunch (ahem). I will admit, me mouth started watering like some sort of Pavlovian dog when I saw the High Life truck this am, but on to other things...

My cold is all but gone and I've had two impressive workouts so far this week. Unfortunately, wine and Cheezits have been a major part of my life in the evenings. Whatever the case, I'm still going to make this happen, it'll just take longer than planned.

Last night I watched 'Winter's Bone'. Its an uplifting movie about a 17 year old hillbilly girl who's looking for her drug dealer dad in the Ozarks. Point being, from watching that movie, it looks like being a crank addict is a great way to keep your weight down. I think I might give it a shot.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

With Friends Like These....

I realized today that The Gut Chronicles got a hit from Saudi Arabia. I was fairly excited to add another country to the growing list of fans so I IM'd a buddy of mine in Seattle. The short exchange went as follows:

ME:  'My blog got a hit in Saudi Arabia today'

BUDDY:  'Must have searched for poop'

Now I ask you, is that any way for a friend to behave?

Autumn is Upon Me

This is the drizzly barfo morning today. Yes folks, the days of me riding the SART are over until it starts to stay light longer and the weather is more predictable. The challenge now is not to pack on the winter wheat. Folks here at the office are talking about training for a half marathon in Feb. Probably a grand idea.

Thursday, October 13, 2011


To the owners and patrons of Stacks restaurant in Burlingame:  I'd like to offer my most sincere apology for what I just did to the shitbox in your esteemed establishment.

To the loyal readers of Gut Chronicles:  You can safely add six pounds to whatever I said my total weight loss was earlier this am

I've Gone Viral!

No really, I have a cold going so I'm literally viral. Last weekend was a booze fueled foodfest with limited exercise but I managed to use moderattion so no weight was gained. I'm holding steady at a paltry 14 pounds lost but its better than a sharp stick in the eye.

Today I'm back on the road and I'm sick, so there will be no hotel exercise (insert jerking off jokes here). The photo above is of my large Americano (note I didn't say Vente). The reason this photo is relevant is that I took some Dayquil non drowsy just before downing this gallon of caffine laden fast acting laxitive. Now I'm sitting on an airplane waiting for it to take off and I think I need to take a growler. It could be serious clutch cargo time until they turn off the seatbelt sign. Wish me luck.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Friday, October 7, 2011

Defcon 1: The Bombay Blaster!

I just had Indian food for lunch and had a couple helpings of Tikka Masala that had copious amounts of what I thought was tofu...nice healthy tofu. To my unpleasant surprise, after eating about 35 pounds of this stuff, I found out it was cheese. My tum-tum is extremely grumbly right now and I'm not feeling so great. It would be a massive understatement to say I ate a lot of cheese. Its a horrible feeling to know that any second, this stuff is going to come shooting out of my ass like a bright orange fountain. I'm frightened and sad and I want to be held.  

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Get Off My SART You Lousy Kids!

Since today was Sunday and I wanted to take it easy on the exercise but I didn't want to do absolutely nothing, I decided to take the kids on the SART for the first time. We did about an hour total ride for a little daddy/daughters bonding. I figured hey...better than nothing right? Here's the young'uns, on their first trip over the wooden bridge on the world famous sight. The urban blight was overwhelming, strange, and mysterious to them.

After the majority of our ride, I took the kids to an elementary school that looks like its all locked up but always has a side gate open so we get the playground all to ourselves. My oldest daughter still thinks she's getting away with murder when we ride our bikes through the halls. Here we are trying to get a little extra exercise in. Pretty sure I damaged my hammy on this one. How does one blow a hammy whilst trying (unsuccessfully) to do a pull-up? I have absolutely no clue but I think I did.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

The Big Challenge!

 I was supposed to do a run today but I wasn't feeling it plus I could hear Serena calling me from the garage so I suited up and hopped on the bike for a high speed run down the Santiago Creek Trail.  Unfortunately for me, even though it was early in the am, the trail was, once again, loaded with people who choose to walk slow on the bike trail and block the whole mother scratching thing.  Henceforth, I will refer to these people as 'Shamblers'.  Much like the shambler style zombies pictured above, these cretins of the trail wander aimlessly at very low speeds, without a thought in their head, just looking to destroy.  Shamblers are totally annoying and since, according to my internet machine, the only way to get rid of a shambler is by massive trauma to the head (can't go around doing that...), I just have to live with them.

The photo below shows real life classic shamblers on the Santiago Creek Trail.  Just check those dipshits out, taking up all available space like they own the fucking thing.  The shambler on the right asked me to let them know which side I'm going to pass on next time so they'll know which way to move.  I felt like saying "Hey dumbass, there is no side, you're taking the whole fucking trail up with granny and the dog!  How about if you stay to the right of the dotted line like any normal human being and I'll pass on the left!"  Whores.  As a side note, I wasn't really prepared to take this photo and as a result, granny there almost got an unexpected delivery to her back door.  It was a close call but I survived.

Its tough to see in this photo because I didn't want Sergeant Dickowitz here to shoot me, but there's an archery range on the Santiago Creek Trail.  Sgt. Dickowitz was in full cammo just fine tuning his archery skills, preparing for the coming apocalypse.

OK dammit, here we go.  I can't avoid it anymore.  I told some guys at work that I was going to see how many push-ups I can do and put it on the blog.  When I chickened out on said challenge last week I got called out so after my ride this am, I recorded my consecutive push-up try.  I have to say, I'm pretty impressed with myself because I really didn't think I could do more than fifteen or so.  So suck on that people!