Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Gimmie That There Spirulina!

Just got back from the gym and ordered some. I wanted it in suppository form but they don't sell it like that. Tooooo bad.

Strange Days on the SART!

Looks like it was moving day for this gentleman on the SART this morning. Hopefully he's movin up like George and Weezie.

Today's ride was cold and bug infested. I had to ride through huge hoards of little bugs.  A few even got in my mouth. I'll probably drop dead soon or grow a second pecker.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Friday biatches!

This photo describes my ride to work today. You see folks, while I haven't been blogging much, I've been working out like a champ and the weight is back down to where it was prior to falling off the Thunderlips bandwagon. I'm feeling good going into the weekend and ready to kick ass (Read to mean drink lots, watch football, and snack).

Unrelated note, I saw an old man in the locker room at the gym today, standing in front of a mirror, naked, holding his gut up with one arm while he blew dry the underside of it. Made me want to barf.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


Its a very cold and overcast morning on the SART

Monday, September 19, 2011

The PoPo Nearly Got Me!

Someone rode to work today AND had a massive workout AND has been eating well.

The fuzz were out on the SART today after what appeared to be a massive, weekend long grafitti cleanup job. I bet by the time I ride home, the homies will have redecorated.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Still Not Sure What Day It Is....

I got up early this morning because I was excited to have a kick back day where football will play a major role.  I brewed some coffee, checked out all the games to see what time which games are on, etc., spray painted the toilet twice (should have taken photos of that), and then realized, at 7:42am, with the whole family still asleep, I was bored.  So, rather than sit around with my thumb up my ass, I decided to get on Serena and go for a nice ride.

All of my mid week rides are on the SART (Santa Ana River Trail for any newcomers) so I decided to ride the trail where I usually take my kids but instead of the leisurely family riding pace, I was going to ride like my ass was on fire.  Unfortunately for me, the denizens of the Santiago Creek Trail had other plans for me.  Apparently it is lost on most people that when you see a sign like the one above every fifteen fucking feet on a small road that has a dotted line down the middle and many painted pictures of bicycles on the ground that you might be on a mother scratching bike trail.  I managed to get a good 45 minute ride in and work up a lathery man style sweat IN SPITE of the throngs of fucksticks that chose to be on the bike trail this morning but I feel that instead of complaining about it, I should try to do something constructive so I'm making some rules for being on the bike trail.

Rule #1:  That four legged evil mutant you call a dog needs to be on a friggin leash!  I hate people who don't put their dog on a leash in public places and I hope they die.  Just because you think Mr. Puppy McBigglesworth is the cutest sweetest thing in the world, it doesn't mean that little fucker won't come at me when I'm jogging or riding a bike.  Fuck you and fuck your dog!  Put it on a leash or it will eat my shoe.

Rule #2:  You are not the only motherscratcher on the trail!  The bike trail I was on this morning is a good eight to ten feet wide and there is a dotted line down the middle.  In every corner of the globe, when you see a line down the middle of a paved road, that means your ass needs to stay on one side.  For some reason, there are tons of people (usually large women in loud track suits) who think its perfectly acceptable to walk slowly while spaced perfectly so that nobody can get around you or between you.  Of course, when you yell "ON YOUR LEFT!" as you're riding up to these flesh lumps, their typical response is to slowly turn and give you a dirty look.  How dare you attempt to get past them while they're enjoying their leisurely morning walk and ignoring the simple fact that they should get out of every one's way.  My typical move with people like this is to get up to a high rate of speed and ride right between them.  Whenever I do this, I can hear a gasp or a squeal behind me like Mavis and Beaumadine just had the shit scared out of them and it'll give them something to talk about for the rest of their lives...while they continue to block the whole trail.  One side or the other people...one side or the other.

Rule #3:  Either stay where you are or get the hell out of the way.  I can't tell you how many times (especially this morning) some loser turns around to see me riding towards him, looks shocked as hell and then does a little dance move to try and figure out what to do.  Listen folks, first off, you are a booger eating moron if it surprises you to see a bike riding up on you when you are walking on a gol durn bike trail.  Think about it for a moment man!  Bike trail means FUCKING BIKES WILL BE THERE!  If you are dumb enough to be shocked to see a bike riding towards you on a bike trail, there are two things that you should do...either get the hell out of the way or stay where you are so I can ride around you.  What you SHOULD NOT do under any circumstances is what a whole bunch of people did this morning. You should not turn around, look terrified, stick both arms out and then give me a head fake or a drop step like you're trying to return a kickoff and make me miss.  Dumbass...when 245 pounds of white meat is riding at you at a high rate of speed, the one thing you want happening is for said large bike rider to know EXACTLY what you intend to do.

Honestly, rule #3 just dumbfounds me.  I can't figure out why people do this when you KNOW you are least likely to get hit if you just stay where you are.  I also wonder why the people who do this borderline suicidal move are 99% of the time our friends from south of the border.  I realized today, because I was wearing black and white and my bike is black that maybe these folks thought I was the cops and they were trying to escape deportation or something.    (See below)

Whether you think I'm the cops and you're trying to get away or you're just a dumbass, you need to realize that if I don't know what you intend to do, the chances of you dying a painful death on a bike trail increase exponentially!  Get it together people!

I can't wait for tomorrow morning to get back on the SART where the only worry is the homeless and gang bangers.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Day Something: Falling Down On The Job

I was attending a very important training today (important because it was mandatory) and I got a feisty email out of the blue from one of my legions of fans (brother) calling me out and saying I was falling down on the job and needed to do another post on the Gut Chronicles. While this attack was unprovoked and cruel, I have to admit it was true. You see, over the past week or so, I've been a rank slacker who indulged in good food and drink and haven't had the nerve to act like I was even worthy of trying to be Thunderlips so I haven't had much to say...that is, until this week! This week I took to the SART again and have been a monster in the gym. Yes, my noctournal eating habits have left something to be desired, but I got on the scale today and realized that in spite of all the travel, food, and being a bad boy in general, my workouts have made it so there has been no significant weight gain! YEAAAHOOO....The dream is still alive baby! Long story short, since I swiped my daughter's iTouch today so I could be inspired on my ride to the calming sounds of Hole, Paramore, and the Foo Fighters, I managed to put together a little footage on my ride home. Enjoy As I rode along, I realized I needed to man up and give the fans what they want which is danger and excitement so I risked life and limb for this clip Here we have a more tranquil section of the SART. Sorry for the poor camera work, I was trying to run video and not look like a dork at the same time Here are two clips of me at the only intersection I have to cross on my ride. Why is this interesting you ask? Well, other than me nearly hitting someone in a mobility chair, its not that interesting. What am I, Cecil B Demille or something? On the final leg of the journey.... Finally, home at last! I realize this blog entry could be so bad that blogs are outlawed by the government, but I felt that I needed to get something up on the Gut Chronicles before there was no hope of me ever posting again! More to come!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Day 59: Taking it to a New Level

Aliens, bigfoot, ghosts, God, George W Bush's 2nd term victory...throughout time, the validity of many things has come into question; My sporting greatness has never been one of those things.  That's all I'm going to say about today's Gut Chronicles entry because I think the greatness of the below video speaks for itself.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Extended Family Hits the Trail!

What started out as a great workout and healthy eating day has taken a turn for the better.  My brother and his family decided to come down and hang out for the day.  First order of business was taking my niece and nephew for a ride on the trail that they've seen on several Gut Chronicles posts.  Me, being the greatest uncle ever, rode those little buggers into the ground.  Here we are at the halfway point of a seven mile ride down the Santiago Creek Trail.  A fine looking bunch if I do say so myself!

In addition to taking my bro and his kids for a ride, I managed to get my brother on video for an interview.  On the surface, it doesn't sound like a big deal, but my brother, a Hollywood guy for more than a decade, has this strange fear of being in front of the camera.  I managed to surprise my brother while he was reprograming my TV (something he does every time he comes to my house) and ask him what he thought of the ride and, to my surprise, he actually responded.  Feast your eyes ladies....

Day 58: The Early Bird Gets the Burn!!!!

I'd like to start by apologizing for the rank lameness of the above header. Sounds like some dumb chick talking to her frieds over text messaging. I was going to change it but I decided not to because the stupidity of 'The Early Bird Gets the Burn' makes me laugh. So lame.

Enough about the header, on to me. I'm feeling proud of myself this morning. I got out of bed, did my normal 45 min of scratching and farting, and then settled in to do absolutely nothing. I quickly realized that, even though it was 6:52am, it was now or never for working out. I knew that if I didn't get to it asap, the workout was not going to happen. So, I quickly threw on my workout duds and headed to the gym where I completed a massive upper body extravaganza that set records in 24 states. I've gotta admit, during my warm-up, I was not pleased to be doing anything physical as the below video clearly indicates....

In spite of my reluctance to work out, I pressed on and actually made it happen in a big way. Here's me, in the G35 with sport tuned suspension, feeling large and in charge after my workout. For the record, at this point, I hadn't shaved in three days. Sooner or later I should hit puberty.

They say that to be successful in a fitness/weight loss effort, you have to have a good support system in place. Part of my support system is The Spousal Unit back at home. Lucky for me, when I got home, The Spousal Unit had a mega healthy breakfast waiting for me. Here she is, in a rare on camera apperance, explaining some of the health benefits of my breakfast. If you're wondering why I'm only showing her face, its because she was wearing sexy lingerie that had the guns of Navarone on full display, and since this isn't one of those filthy p0rn sites where they show girls letting guys put their thingies in their doo-dads, I won't show such things. This is a professional site about fitness and weightloss for crap's sake! I want to be taken seriously.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Day 57a: Running Man

Today I managed to go five miles at a pretty brisk pace so I'm damn proud of myself. For some reason, my gut feels huge but I'm losing a little weight and my clothes fit better so I'm not sure what the dealio is. I'm guessing the cheeseburger and chili-cheese fries I ate last night might have something to do with my gut looking all large but hey, what am I, a scientist?

On to the run...Here's my youngest giving me the ol' pre run pep talk. She was originally going to be a lump like her sister and stay home and watch TV, but she sacked up and decided to put her old man through his paces...

Here we are just about half way. My daughter is clearly trying to stall because she wants to rest.

The great race up 'Heart Attack Hill'

Nearly home and heading under Main Street

After we made it home, my kid walked in the house and said "Something smells like dog!" We went into the kitchen and there was a plate of fried Spam. I said "Well, there you go, now you know what Spam's made out of!" The kid still ate it.

Overall I'm feeling good about the three day weekend. A nice brisk run today was a good start. I had a berry protein shake afterwards and I'm motivated to not pig out all weekend and maybe, just maybe, get fully back into it so the weight loss isn't such a struggle. Only problem is, today is the first Saturday of the college football season and it turns out that I likes to sit on the couch and drink and watch football...we'll see how it goes.

Last week, The Gut Chronicles got nearly as many hits from The Netherlands as it did from the U.S. I'm not sure if I have a single admierer in Holland (please let it be Sylvie Francoise van der Vaart!) or if I'm becoming a national sensation. Cheers to you my Dutch friends! Thanks for stopping by.

Day 57: Chompin at the Bit!

Well hey there little lady! So today is the first day of college football season and Iwant to get my run in but I've got one kid who wants to get out on the trail and ride and another who wants to loaf around and watch TV. Seeing as I can't leave the slothful child home alone, I need to wait till the wife gets back from the gym. Once she's back, there will be a run and there will be weekend video action. So until then, enjoy looking at Lil Miss Longhorn here (Hook'em Horns!) and I'll post more later.

As a side note, since football season is a starting, here's a stone cold mortal lock for you. University of South Florida is an eleven point underdog at Notre Dame today. Take USF and the points. Stone Cold Bet Your Granny's Panties Mortal Lock!!!