Thursday, May 31, 2012

Who put that course there?

Workin out on the Big Island

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Going Big

I wanted to have an epic workout before I headed to Hawaii so instead of the gym, I went out and had sushi!  That should knock a couple of pounds off the ol Gut.

Wait What?

Gonna Give it a Try

I'm just going to come right out and say it:  I've been living like a complete swine for the past week and I need to get my expanding ass back in the gym.  Today I'm going to try and get in the weight room and do something with myself before I reach the point of no return.  I've got one day to work out before I go on a little trip to a place you may have heard of called 'Hawaii' tomorrow for a golf weekend.

I'm sure you're saying "Hey dude, didn't you just get back from Hawaii?"  The answer to that question is yes, but lets be honest, ballers ball and I'm a baller so I'm going back and I'm going to golf and live it up.  It's a blessing and a curse.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

One of Those Weekends

Yes indeedie, it has been 'one of those weekends'.  Free flowin booze, lots and lots of beef (as seen above), and virtually no exercise whatsoever.  Don't worry...stuff is in the works, its gonna get better.  Just hold on...

ps.  pardon my daughter's face.  Not sure what's going on there but it looks vile.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Midwest Rider

Just because I'm not currently riding my bike, that doesn't mean the global influence of the Gut Chronicles isn't going strong.  I just heard from my buddy Dave in Cincinnati that he's riding through some corn fields

Here's Dave, riding through the cornfields of the Buckeye State.  He's 20 miles into his ride and he's got no tire kit.  That's Dave for you, living on the mother freaking edge!  Dave's not worried though because Dave's a man's man.  Dave shoots deer, builds things, and takes pride in the damage he does to Starbucks restrooms throughout this great land of ours.  Knowing Dave, if he gets a flat, he'll fashion a tire out of corn husks, slaughter some wild beast and use its still warm lungs as a makeshift air pump to inflate his corn tires.  Dave cannot be stopped.

Here's Dave eyeballing some cows.  Those cows better watch out!  If Dave gets hungry, he might just eat one of them and I don't even want to discuss what might happen to one of those cows if Dave gets horny!

Ride on Dave!  Ride ON!

Hot News Alert!

Loyal fans of the Gut Chroniciles....fear not, I'm still around and the blog is still happening.  I've got some major changes going on to the old life so I've been sidetracked, not riding Serena, and not eating all that well but I'll be back online very soon

Stay tuned!

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Trick Play...

Here was my lunch at Native Food's Cafe in Irvine today. It was a 'Rockin Morrocan Chicken Bowl'. Had veggies and quinoa and whatnot. Thought it was the perfect post church healthy lunch. Then I found out the 'Native Chicken' is made from soy. I've got no problem with soy but I don't like the trick play with food. Bad vegans...BAD!

Saturday, May 19, 2012


I think my buddy in Cincinnati liked his taste of fame when I mentioned him yesterday on the Gut Chronicles and he wants more of it.  He's clearly got bike fever now and he told me he was going to go mountain biking this morning.  Later on, he sent this shot of his bike...doing nothing.  Something in his email mentioned how he had to take a break after a three mile ride (pussy) and whatever.  But there you have it...Gut Chronicle's Ohio office is in full effect!  Feel free to send in your biking photos.  If I like them, I'll post them.  If I don't like them, I'll print two of them out (one to shit on and one to wipe with).

Ok, now that the vulgarity is taken care of, lets get on to the fact that this could possibly be the most boring post of all time.  I'm not satisfied with just kind of boring so I've decided to post a video shot this morning.  The first part is my six year old giving advice on health and fitness, the next is me showing of my finely tuned basketball skills.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Friday Musings on National Bike to Work Day

I'm just going to come right out and say it, I didn't bike to work on National Bike To Work Day, the 'work' part of the equation prohibited me from doing so (more like laziness).

Having said that, here are some hot Friday headlines:

  • One of my buddies in Cincinnati is so inspired by my biking greatness that he decided to get his bike tuned up earlier this week and he went for a 14 mile ride this morning.  Highlights from his ride are a sore ass and he saw a giant turtle in the middle of the road.  I ask you, how much more excitement can you ask for on a Friday morning than a good ride and a turtle sighting?  Unless you're a Facebook employee on the day of Facebook's IPO (Search optimization says what?), your Friday can't get much better than that!
  • Since I drove this morning, I took the opportunity to fill up the 2003 G35 with sport tuned suspension.  To my shock and horror, gas was $4.40 per gallon at COSTCO!  Holy freaking balls of fire that's a huge stack of cash!
  • I've managed to get the wife to start making me green smoothies again for breakfast in the morning.  I swear on the eyes of my dead dog Penny that green smoothies (spinach, spirulina, fruit, etc.) are the way to go for breakfast.  I feel like a caged beast and my bowel movements are a thing of beauty!
  • In the last two weeks, I've rode to work eight out of the ten work days.  On top of that, I've been to the gym nearly every day.  I've dropped a couple of pounds but my wine and snack consumption has been shocking.  I wish they'd have 'National Don't eat a box of Cheez-its and drink so much wine every night month'.  Then I'd be in business.
  • Yesterday was a huge day for the Gut Chronicles.  I'm not sure why my hit count is increasing but if I can double the number of hits I get per day for 87 consecutive days and go from 45 page views to like 15 million per day, I can quit my job and become a full time blogger
That is all for now

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Where the SART Meets the Sea!

I decided last night that today was the day I was going to ride Serena all the way to the sea where the SART begins and then ride back to the gym before work.  When I woke up this morning I looked outside to see what was what and to my pleasant surprise, there wasn't a cloud in the sky.  I got my shit together and I was off to explore the far reaches of the SART and get some extra miles in on what could be the finest day of the year.

First off, I noticed right away, the SART gets a whole lot nicer as you get closer to the beach.  Once you're out of Santa Ana and into Costa Mesa, bums, graffiti, and thugs are replaced with people on high end cycles, people walking fancy dogs, and young chicks going for their morning jogs in their $400 workout clothes.  The Costa Mesa to Huntington Beach leg of the SART is like vacation SART and my home section of the SART is like battle zone SART.

Even though the extra leg of my ride this morning added a total of 12 miles to the ride, it was well worth it and after about 45 minutes, I had arrived at the spot where the Santa Ana 'river' meets the mighty Pacific

The spot where PCH crosses the SART in Huntington Beach

I rode Serena out onto the sand to get some sea air into my lungs and to try and take a few pictures without looking like a total doofwad:

Yours truly, pleased with myself after riding the SART to the ocean before work

After a quick rest, I turned around and headed back to the gym so I could wash my sweaty ass before work.  I've gotta admit the ride to the ocean was really fun and is something I'll probably do again on a semi regular basis.  Not only is it a great ride, its pretty satisfying to know you're getting in over an hour of exercise before you even get to work.

Morning greatness on the SART near its beginning in Huntington Beach

Best of all, when I finished my ride, I was surprised to discover my ass wasn't sore, my legs felt just fine, and my speed was pretty good the entire 18.5 miles.  I'd be lying if I didn't feel like I was a freaking bike pro!

In case you've ever wondered where the SART begins, this is it.  Maybe someday I'll head north and find out where the SART ends.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Learn it. Know it. Live it.

The events of National Bike Month are just piling up.  This week is Ride to Work week and this Wednesday is a nationwide event called 'The Silent Ride'.  The Silent Ride is done all over the country to raise awareness and to honor cyclists injured or killed by knucklehead drivers who treat us like scum.

I looked online and there's a silent ride this Wednesday night starting at 7:00pm at the Irvine City Hall.  I honestly considered joining this event to check it out but when I looked it up, the first thing I saw from last year's ride was some doofmeister wearing a helmet and bike shirt, barking something into a microphone in front of a bunch of bored looking people.  Uhhh dude...that's not silent.

Other reasons I will not be participating:

  • It's a 7.9 circle jerk, I mean ride, through Irvine.  I'm trying to think of things more boring than an hour long slow ride through Irvine and I cannot.  Oh wait, I just thought of hour long ride through Irvine in silence.
  • The Lakers are playing OKC (They'll probably lose by 30 again)
  • The Dodgers are playing the Padres
  • 7:00pm is usually when I start my nightly four hour snacking and wine drinking binge and I don't want to interrupt my schedule.
Even though I won't be doing the silent ride, I will give a shout out here on the Gut Chronicles and ask the drivers of the world to keep an eye out for cyclists and remember that they have just as much right to the road as you back the fuck up assholes!

Monday, May 14, 2012

New Stuff Alert

On my ride home Friday afternoon, I was flying along on the SART and I suddenly felt some weirdness on my feet.  To my shock and horror, I'd broken a pedal on my ride home.  Since I likes to keep things positive, I looked at this setback as an opportunity to get more stuff for Serena so I headed to The Path Bike Shop on Saturday morning to upgrade Serena.

The pedals that came with Serena are plastic and were available at the store for twenty bucks.  But why spend $20 on something that worked fine for a year when I can go big and look like a huge cycling stud?  Instead of the plastic pedals, I opted for the awesomeness you see in the photo above.  These pedals are the Wellgo MG-1 Platform pedals with sealed bearings made out of magnesium.  I have no idea what any of that means but they were recommended, they look badass, so I forked over $69 and bought them.  This morning was my first ride with the new pedals and they kick ass.  Its tough to see in the photo but they MG-1s have little studs on them that grab your shoes so there's zero foot slippage.  Daddy likey!

In addition to needing new pedals, Serena's chain was well overdue for a good cleaning and lube job so I picked up this White Lightning easy clean chain cleaning brush kit.  This inexpensive little bit of gear made the job of cleaning Serena's chain and cassette much easier.  Highly recommended.

Last but certainly not least, for a long time I've wanted to get a bike stand so I don't have to turn Serena upside down and rest her on my kid's pool toys to clean the chain and do minor repairs and maintenance.  The only problem is, most of the bike stands I've seen cost well over $100 and I don't want to part with that much cash.  Fortunately for me, when I was at The Path Bike Shop, I saw this small stand for $24 that lets me get the back wheel off the ground so I can spin and clean.  For twenty-four bones, this stand was perfect and, combined with the brush kid, made the chain clean and lube job a 10 minute endeavor.  Money well spent!

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Lunch With The Wife and Her Boyfriend, Dr. Oz

So the wife's (and my sister) been on my ass for a couple of months to try this stuff they swear by called 'Psyllium'.  I figured since its the weekend and the day before mother's day, I'd let the missus give me guidance and guide me through the wondrous world of psyllium and a nutritious lunch....

As a side note, the wife is seriously into that feces freak, Dr. Oz.  I swear there's never been someone so into poop since the guy who made 'Two Girls, One Cup'.


Friday, May 11, 2012

National Bike Month Update

As I've mentioned before, May is National Bike Month so to support this auspicious occasion, I tried to bike as much as possible over the last week.  For instance, in the past six days, I've only been INSIDE a car two times (haven't driven) and have traveled less than five miles total via automobile.  Everything else has been on my glorious bicycle, Serena.

Over the past six days I estimate I've traveled over 70 miles on my bike.  70 miles seems like a lot to me but when you consider the average stage in the Tour de France is roughly 100 miles and those juiced up freaks do a stage nearly every day, I guess its not all that much.  Screw them though, they're all cheating drug users so my 70 miles in a week is awesome...far superior to the Tour de Farce.

Other interesting facts about my week of cycling:

  • Showers taken - 23
  • Pairs of jeans worn - 2 (yeah, you read that right..only two)
  • Gallons of nut sweat generated - 43.8
  • Times I've stood up from a seated position and said "Whoooaaa Nelly m'legs are sore" - 9,823
  • Number of bugs consumed - 51
For those of you who are interested, as part of National Bike Month, next week is Bike to Work week so I expect to see all of you out there riding like the wind.

Dangerous Dealings Friday

One of the great things about riding the SART is you never know what you're going to get.  One day, the SART can be forgiving  and beautiful, on another day, the SART can be a pain in the ass, and then there's other days, like today, where the SART is a lawless rut cutting its way through Orange County where obstacles abound and normal rules don't apply.

When it comes to riding the SART, I've come to learn that its an organic process each day meaning that if it starts out weird, its going to stay weird.  Case in point, this morning, not one minute after I hopped on Serena and started riding away from home, this nutty looking old man in a stupid hat carrying bright pink dumbbells waved at me and I could swear he blew me a kiss.  Now I don't know if the dude was just a nutty old timer or he was trying to gay marry me or what (gay marriage is currently a hot topic and I'm trying to optimize my search rankings so I thought I'd throw it in there), but I knew the strange start to my ride meant it was going to be strange the whole way.

The construction on the First Street bridge was going on (pictured above) but they didn't block the SART from going under it today so I just kept on trucking.  Unfortunately for me, on every other day, the construction workers sweep the debris from the bike path but for some reason, on this day, it looked like they actually TRIED to spread all kinds of debris across the path.  I nearly busted my breaks slowing down and looking for nails and whatnot (I'm not sure if they use nails on a concrete bridge but I wasn't going to take any chances because how the hell would I know?  What am I, one of the Village People or something?).

The debris under the First Street bridge put me on high alert but I kept pedaling.  Right after First Street, I was cruising along and I saw these two punks walking side by side, completely blocking the SART.  Normally I'd think it was just one of the clueless masses, but one of the punks actually made eye contact with me and gave me a look that said he wasn't moving.  I'm all about giving peace a chance but for some reason this kid really pissed me off so I decided to make sure he understood he was fucking with the wrong guy.  I sped up and headed straight at the defiant teen (the cycling equivalent to backing someone off the plate).  There was a brief moment where the punk stayed defiant, but then it was clear that we both realized the simple facts of this case:  He was on foot and moving slowly, I was 250 pounds of helmet wearing anger coming at him at about 20mph on a large metal object, and lets face it, we both knew that nobody would come looking for a douchebag like him for at least three days if he went missing, so he did the smart thing and moved aside.  I wanted to fart when I passed the punk but I didn't have anything in the on-deck circle so he lucked out.

Last but certainly not least (is this post long enough yet?), I was getting pretty close to the gym and going at full speed when I noticed an ancient SART Jawa in the trough part of one of the underpasses walking all over the path, looking at something on the other side of the riverbed with her mouth open.

 Covered from head to toe, the native SART Jawa is a frequently seen inhabitant of the SART

It should be noted that SART Jawas can't be classified by race, gender or age in general but this particular one was an elderly Asian lady (photo above is not the SART Jawa I nearly ran over).  I should have slowed down to be as safe as possible but I was a little leg weary and I didn't want to be at a standstill when I hit the uphill part of the underpass so I yelled 'Look out!' at the SART Jawa.  She didn't respond at all.  I started drawing closer and was moving at an alarming rate of speed so I yelled again 'LOOK OUT!!!'.  Still nothing.  As it got to the point where I realized I needed to make something happen or I'd be hosing old lady off my bike, my super bike riding senses kicked in, I calculated who I was dealing with and changed my tactic and gave it one last ditch effort:  'NI HAO!!!!!'  Ni Hao is the only Chinese I know and lucky for me that old broad understood it and got the hell out of the way faster than any person over 70 I've ever seen!  Disaster averted and I managed to make it to the gym safe and sound completing my fifth consecutive ride to work this week during National Bike Month!  Hell yes! 

Thursday, May 10, 2012

SART Blockage!

Me, this morning, in my garage, not feeling it

I'm not going to lie, I didn't feel like mounting Serena and riding the SART to work this morning but I'm bound and determined to ride this entire week.  Luckily for me, Mark was riding with me this morning so I didn't have the option of being a quitter and driving to work.  I was leg weary, bitter, and suffering from intense gas, but I still managed to climb aboard and make it happen.

I realized yesterday that riding every single day to work AND going to the gym at lunch requires an alarming amount of clothing so, since I was totally unmotivated last night, and didn't want to do anything this morning, I packed the same gym clothes I wore yesterday.  Screw it, who cares if I smell like a dirty asshole when I go work out at lunch, that's everyone elses problem and they should respect the fact that I'm barely hanging on here.

Mark and I took off and were having a nice ride when all of a sudden, we came to the First Street bridge and saw that the SART was closed on both sides of the bridge.  Some salt of the earth, blue collar dude approached us and said "YOU GUYS CAN'T RIDE HERE TODAY.  THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A SIGN BACK THERE SOMEWHERE.  WE'LL LET YOU GET OFF HERE BUT YOU'VE GOTTA HEAD OVER DOWN THERE TO JACKSON AND RIDE THAT WAY!".  First, why was he yelling?  Second, there was no sign and 'back there' is entirely too vague.  Third, I have no clue whatsoever where Jackson is and how I was supposed to get to it.  So we got the hell off the SART, and onto the busy congested street and looked for Jackson.

Upon finding Jackson, we discovered that it runs through a shitty neighborhood and right past a school where apparently all the parents completely ignore any and all traffic rules.  I could tell Mark had had enough and he just took off, weaving through the cars, wrong side of the road, kicking school children, trying to get back to the SART as quickly as possible.  It was a bad scene and we needed to get the hell outta there.

Finally we found our way back to the SART and got to the gym so I could sit in the steam room and listen to Mark rip farts and make comments on them.  I have to admit, for whatever reason, when someone comments on their own farts and they have an English accent, its more amusing than a regular American guy commenting on his farts.  After a quick steam, I took a half assed shower, didn't shave, and rode on to work.

I guess life just has a way of balancing out because yesterday was a great day for a ride, the stuff that riding dreams are made of, and today was pretty much a giant shit sandwich.  Such is life.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Sneaky Nutrition 101

After my workout today, I managed to get Mark to drive me to El Polo loco since I didn't bring my lunch and I needed food that was somewhat healthy in terms of what you can buy as fast food.  On top of getting mark to drive me, I touched him for eight bucks when I told him after we got there that I needed some coin.  Since I've been riding every day and working out at lunch this week (stud with huge nuts says what?), I got the Original Pollo Bowl and a side salad.  Yeah the Pollo Bowl has 610 calories but I've been burning a lot and I was hungry like the wolf.  I figured the side salad would be a nice next to no calorie filler for me with a little bit of fiber to slick the ol' treads.

Long story longer, as I was munching on the side salad after I finished the Pollo Bowl, I decided to look up El Pollo Loco's nutritional page (El Pollo Nutrition) and see what the calorie count on the Loco Side Salad was.  Any guesses?  If you guessed a whopping 100 calories, you're half right.  That little four ounce sucker is a shocking 210 calories with 18 GRAMS OF FAT.  The entire Original Pollo Bowl only has 10 grams of fat!

So look at it this way.  The Original Pollo Bowl is 18.1 ounces and its 610 calories with 10 grams of fat.  Not great for you, but eh..who cares once in a while and its way better than something fried.  If you take the Loco Side Salad at 4.2 ounces and multiply it out so the serving is the same as the Pollo Bowl, you'd get 945 calories with EIGHTY ONE GRAMS OF FAT.  Sweet mother of crap that is a horrifically bad salad for you!  I threw half of it away.  Never again folks, never again.  Talk about something that isn't worth it!

Just goes to show you that you cannot assume something is healthy or low in calories by looking at it.

Side Note:  Props to El Pollo Loco for having a variety of things that are actually healthy (for fast food) and they clearly designate those things on their menu.

Greatest Day Ever on the SART

What a fine morning to make it happen on National Bike Month!  Just look at the blue sky over the SART

Both directions on the SART were beaver wide open and looking good.  Couldn't ask for a better day for a ride.

A little something for the ladies here, yours truly, mayor of the SART, the world's foremost bike commuter.

This guy is making a point of telling us all to 'Free the Homies'.  I'm not sure who said homies are, where they're not experiencing freedom, and what is required to free them, but sure, I'm down with you, lets free the homies!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

It's National Bike Month!

Yes folks, you read the header right, May is National Bike Month and here's me all pumped up for another ride on the SART to work.  My riding partner this morning was Mark and since I was waiting for him, I decided it was a good time to take several photos of myself like some horny 15 year old girl looking for a desperate man online.  Unfortunately, out of the 17 photos I snapped, this beauty was the best of the bunch so enjoy!

In honor of National Bike Month, I plan on riding to work every day this week so hopefully no meetings or happy hours that would require me to not ride present themselves.

Oddly enough, traffic on the SART has been surprisingly light this week, especially when you consider the fact that National Bike Month is in full effect.  What's wrong with the cyclists of Orange County?  Too good to ride during cycling's biggest hallmark holiday?

The ride in this morning was uneventful but refreshing as usual.  Best of all, the last two days have been slow at the gym so the showers are wide open, the sauna doesn't have a bunch of weirdo cretins in it, and the old men who yell when they talk are nowhere to be found.  Hell yes!

So you heard it here folks...National Bike Month!  Now get on your bikes and get to it.

Monday, May 7, 2012

The Low-down on the Gut

I was at a fund raiser carnival thing yesterday at my kid's school and while I was waiting in line for a sno-cone, one of my friends walked up to me holding a deep fried chimichanga and said hi.  After talking for a minute or two, he smacked me on the gut and said "Hey man, what's this, I thought you had this big workout thing going? You're starting to look like me!" (as he patted his own prominent beer gut with the hand that wasn't holding the massive chimichanga).  I explained to him that while I do workout on a very regular basis and with great vigor, you're pretty much not going to make any real progress unless you stop putting so much food and drink in your mouth.  This fact, that I thought was known to everyone, seemed to surprise my buddy.

Bottom line is, the science is in and there is no way anyone's going to lose weight unless they stop eating so included unfortunately.  Some good points are made in this article from a Dr. at the Mayo Clinic (

"The key to weight loss is burning more calories than you consume. Because 3,500 calories equals about 1 pound (0.45 kilogram) of fat, you need to burn 3,500 calories more than you take in to lose 1 pound. So if you cut 500 calories from your diet each day, you'd lose about 1 pound a week (500 calories x 7 days = 3,500 calories)."
Obviously, this is no shocking news to anyone but its important to just do the simple math.  3,500 calories is one pound.  I'd say the average workout for most people is roughly 500 calories burned.  So if you just bust out the old calculator, you'll note that fewer (and better) calories means a hell of a lot more than exercise if you're just considering weight loss.  Some food for thought below (pun intended):

  • One can of coke is roughly 155 calories.  Say you have one of those babies per day, that's 1,085 calories or a little less than 1/3 of a pound per week added to your panza just for having one soft drink per day
  • Chick Fil A - my favorite fast food by a mile and, as far as fast food goes, much healthier than other fast food joints.  One #5 (12 nuggets, small fry, and a medium coke) is 960 calories.  Three of those adds a pound to your fat ass or if you look at it another way, it takes two full cardio workouts (for most people) to burn off one of those delicious badboys.
  • Just going to have a salad you say?  A grilled chicken Caesar salad at Chilis is 680 calories.  That's not very healthy...never mind the 22 grams of fat and a heart stopping 1,500 grams of sodium in that badboy.
  • My buddie's chimichanga you ask?  According to my internet machine, there are 425 calories in a regular chimichanga.  The forearm sized chimi that my buddy was about to down was probably the size of three regular chimichangas so, even though they are delish, you're looking at three days of cardio to burn off that one chimi.
  • Last but not least, our good buddy In-N-Out.  My usual, the #3 (Double double, fries, and a big coke) - Hold on to your hats and glasses folks because this $hit's about to get real!  1,265 calories.  Roughly three cardio workouts or a little over 1/3 pound straight to the old boilermaker.
Long story short, it's probably known by most but rarely thought about, but you can work out all you want and it won't do much for your weight unless you quit strapping on the feedbag and eating high quality food in normal sized portions.

Here's another good article on the subject:

This concludes our lecture on the painfully obvious

Paint Wars on the SART

I took to the SART this morning and to my surprise, there had been a major move on the part of the city to take back the SART.  As far as the eye could see, the city had replaced tagging with their own cover up paint (above).  Miles and miles of covered over street urchin vandalism had been diligently covered on Saturday and Sunday.  Yeah there were a few eager beavers who had gotten out last night and tried to put their tags back in their appropriate spots (not sure how they determine which spot is the right spot), but by and large, the massive paint offensive mounted by Santa Ana had done its job.  I'm not sure if this is good work by the city or another example of spending local government funds on an exercise in futility but at least it made me happy.

On top of the ride being mostly graffiti free, I noticed at least double the normal number of bums camping under the 5th street bridge.  As I rode under, something told me they'd had a big night last night as several of the bums were clearly walking off a major hangover.  I don't know if they were celebrating the Laker's victory or a full weekend of Cinco De Mayo action but the lads under the 5th Street bridge had clearly done a fine job of making it happen last night!

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Viva Burrito!

Ok folks, here's a lesson in golfing like a man and a little insight into how I approach the game. First off, you see my breakfast burrito which was off the charts. That Mexican Missle of greatness was consumed in the car in the parking lot at the golf course. I wasn't going to stand in the parking lot eating my burrito like some cretin so I did the door open/lean out over the ground move. It provides privacy and it makes it so no burrito gets on the shirt or my 2003 G35 with sport tuned suspension.

After finishing the burrito, I made sure my golf bag was ready with the essentials, balls, glove, sunblock, and six cold Sapporos because I'm too cheap to pay five bucks a can for beers.

That is how you handle golf JonO style.

Breakfast is Served

I'm on my way to golf this am and I had a massive hankering for a Breakfast Jack from Jack in the Box but alas, I was driving on the wrong side of the tracks and there was no Jack. I decided to stop at the shittiest place I could find so I stopped at this joint that's called 'Autentica Birria' from what I can tell. I ordered a breakfast burrito, and the chick working behind the counter literally laughed at me, said something in Spanish, held up one finger, then went and got a woman who I can only assume is nicknamed 'Big Mamma'. I told her to bring me a breakfast burrito at once and now I'm waiting for it while watching some cartoon about a duck that's in Spanish. Wish me luck.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Back in Town and Back on the SART

Ahh yes, nothing like being back home, waking up in the morning to a delicious fruit smoothie and taking to the SART.  Since I've been on the road quite a bit, the wife decided to make a super charged super food breakfast with spinach, goji berries, cinnamon, mango, strawberry, banana, and my good friend Mr. Spirulina.

After I powered down my breakfast beverage, I hopped on Serena and started riding.  As an added bonus, my buddy Jed decided he's going to ride the SART with me from time to time and today was his first day.

Here's Jed, making it happen, on his virgin run on the SART this morning.  Jed's been off the exercise circuit for quite some time but he seemed to enjoy the ride and the sights, sounds, and smells of the SART.  He's got to ride about four miles before we meet up so I'm interested to see how he feels about the ride home this afternoon.  That's the thing about commuting by bike, once you get on the bike and start riding, you're fully committed for the day.  Whether he's in pain or not, I'm sure he's feeling good about burning several hundred  calories, being green, and saving a few bucks in gas all before work even starts.

On the ride, we kept at an even pace and didn't try to go full Tour De France on his first ride.  A couple of times along the ride I stood up on the pedals and crop dusted Jed but I don't think he noticed since he was focused on pedaling but hey, nothing says friendship like a nice fart in the face when you're taking in lots of air!

Well done Jed....well done!

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Fear and Loathing in San Antonio

Ahh yes, there she is, the breakfast of the business traveler.  Lonely, sad, not nutritious, lame.  It's bad enough that I have to eat such a breakfast (its free for a reason), but what makes it worse is that I had to eat said breakfast in San Antonio.

The city of San Antonio may not have invented excessive ball sweat but they've sure as hell taken it to a new level.  Virtually all of my day yesterday was spent on my feet and a good portion of it was spent outside in 90+ degree heat with more humidity than a hyper-active steam room.  So essentially, my day yesterday was spent standing, or eating bad food, or having beers, all while working up the sweatiest set of balls in the history of humankind.

Now that we've established my level of ball sweat in this city, let's look at my nutritional intake yesterday as a fine example of why business travel is so incredibly unhealthy unless you seriously plan ahead.

Breakfast - same as the breakfast I had this morning pictured above.  Coffee and raisin bran

Between breakfast and lunch - about 40 cups of coffee and two litres of water (hoping to reduce ball sweat)

Lunch - Thai food and a giant Thai iced tea.  Lunch order was as follows:
Me:  "I'll have the pad se yew with chicken"
Waitress:  "How ha yoo lie"
Me:  "Hottest you've got...five stars, a ten, whatever the scale is you use"
Waitress:  "We go wan to fie.  Fie very ha"
Me:  "Five"
Waitress:  "Ooohhh NOOOOO!  Fie very ha mista.  I think three goot fo yoo"
Me:  "I'm fine, just go with the five, I can handle all you've got"
Waitress:  "Fie very hot mista...I think you no like"
Me:  "I'll worry about that...I want the five"
Waitress: "Okaaaaay.  I try to tell yoo"
Me:  "Gotcha, I understand, let's make this happen baby!"
Waitress:  "Whaa??"
Me:  "Nothing."
Waitress:  "Ok...fie ha"
Me:  "Understood"
Waitress...walking away shaking her head

For the record, 'fie' wasn't very hot but it was a greasy plate of noodles with some sort of meat that resembled chicken

Between lunch and dinner - cappuccino.  Then around 6:30pm at an event I was at, I had three heavy hors doovers and a couple of beers (five).

Dinner (10:30pm) - After walking two miles and generating even more ball sweat, we stopped for Italian food.  I had shrimp scampi which, even though its pasta in cream sauce and shrimps cooked in butter all with cheese on top, was one of the healthiest things on the menu.  I also had a glass of wine (three)

There you have it folks...even though nothing in and of itself felt all that bad at the time, when you put it all together, yesterday was a calorie-fest that was only offset by excessive sweating and roughly five miles of walking throughout the day.

Point being, fuck this place and I'm glad I'm going home today

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Makin it Happen In San Antonio

Its morning on the mean streets of San Antonio and nothing says 'living on the edge' like having coffee and a bowl of raisin bran just before getting on the interstate for half an hour.

So far the trip's been good. Got a workout in at the world's worst hotel gym and then had dinner and some beers whilst watching the Laker game. Not too much of a health nightmare.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Badass and Nationwide

I'm currently on a flight to Texas and I just went to the can to shake the dew off my lilly when I saw this little sign in the crapper. Apparently on this flight you can call one of the stewardesses and have them bring you a cocktail while you're leaning into a massive growler. Now that's what I call service.

More importantly, yesterday was a triumph of physical greatness. 14 miles of bike riding and a very solid upper body workout. Since I'm feeling emboldened by really getting after it on the bike and in the gym, I decided to pack the workout clothes on my trip and get physical when I get to the hotel. Hopefully they've got a decent gym. We shall see my friends, we shall see.