All of my mid week rides are on the SART (Santa Ana River Trail for any newcomers) so I decided to ride the trail where I usually take my kids but instead of the leisurely family riding pace, I was going to ride like my ass was on fire. Unfortunately for me, the denizens of the Santiago Creek Trail had other plans for me. Apparently it is lost on most people that when you see a sign like the one above every fifteen fucking feet on a small road that has a dotted line down the middle and many painted pictures of bicycles on the ground that you might be on a mother scratching bike trail. I managed to get a good 45 minute ride in and work up a lathery man style sweat IN SPITE of the throngs of fucksticks that chose to be on the bike trail this morning but I feel that instead of complaining about it, I should try to do something constructive so I'm making some rules for being on the bike trail.
Rule #1: That four legged evil mutant you call a dog needs to be on a friggin leash! I hate people who don't put their dog on a leash in public places and I hope they die. Just because you think Mr. Puppy McBigglesworth is the cutest sweetest thing in the world, it doesn't mean that little fucker won't come at me when I'm jogging or riding a bike. Fuck you and fuck your dog! Put it on a leash or it will eat my shoe.
Rule #2: You are not the only motherscratcher on the trail! The bike trail I was on this morning is a good eight to ten feet wide and there is a dotted line down the middle. In every corner of the globe, when you see a line down the middle of a paved road, that means your ass needs to stay on one side. For some reason, there are tons of people (usually large women in loud track suits) who think its perfectly acceptable to walk slowly while spaced perfectly so that nobody can get around you or between you. Of course, when you yell "ON YOUR LEFT!" as you're riding up to these flesh lumps, their typical response is to slowly turn and give you a dirty look. How dare you attempt to get past them while they're enjoying their leisurely morning walk and ignoring the simple fact that they should get out of every one's way. My typical move with people like this is to get up to a high rate of speed and ride right between them. Whenever I do this, I can hear a gasp or a squeal behind me like Mavis and Beaumadine just had the shit scared out of them and it'll give them something to talk about for the rest of their lives...while they continue to block the whole trail. One side or the other people...one side or the other.
Rule #3: Either stay where you are or get the hell out of the way. I can't tell you how many times (especially this morning) some loser turns around to see me riding towards him, looks shocked as hell and then does a little dance move to try and figure out what to do. Listen folks, first off, you are a booger eating moron if it surprises you to see a bike riding up on you when you are walking on a gol durn bike trail. Think about it for a moment man! Bike trail means FUCKING BIKES WILL BE THERE! If you are dumb enough to be shocked to see a bike riding towards you on a bike trail, there are two things that you should do...either get the hell out of the way or stay where you are so I can ride around you. What you SHOULD NOT do under any circumstances is what a whole bunch of people did this morning. You should not turn around, look terrified, stick both arms out and then give me a head fake or a drop step like you're trying to return a kickoff and make me miss. Dumbass...when 245 pounds of white meat is riding at you at a high rate of speed, the one thing you want happening is for said large bike rider to know EXACTLY what you intend to do.
Honestly, rule #3 just dumbfounds me. I can't figure out why people do this when you KNOW you are least likely to get hit if you just stay where you are. I also wonder why the people who do this borderline suicidal move are 99% of the time our friends from south of the border. I realized today, because I was wearing black and white and my bike is black that maybe these folks thought I was the cops and they were trying to escape deportation or something. (See below)
Whether you think I'm the cops and you're trying to get away or you're just a dumbass, you need to realize that if I don't know what you intend to do, the chances of you dying a painful death on a bike trail increase exponentially! Get it together people!
I can't wait for tomorrow morning to get back on the SART where the only worry is the homeless and gang bangers.
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