I know, the world is wondering what happened to me yesterday and why there was no post on The Gut Chronicles. Well, I had fully planned to post but here's what happened....
I had to play golf for work (shot a 111) and then have dinner. I had Colorado lamb chops, a green salad, and a delicious Napa cab. Oddly enough, my appetizer was tuna tartare (see worst holiday foods entry). After golf and dinner I headed home and here's where it gets interesting....
I play this game with m kids where I chase them around he house when its bed time and try to catch them and throw them into bed. During last night's session of said game, I took a fall and smacked my noggin on the back of a big chair. Needless to say, the game was over and the side of my head hurt like a motherfucker. So I did the sensible thing after you hurt your head and poured a big glass of wine and sat down in my bed to watch some TV and complain like a girl that my head hurt. Next thing I know, I woke up this morning, still in my golf clothes and sitting up in bed, my head hurt like hell and my pits stank from not showering. It was a bad scene.
During my head trauma induced sleep, I had four very disturbing dreams:
- In Dream #1, my kids and their friends poured literally thousands of plastic Monopoly houses and hotels and thousands of Clue murder weapons in the pool. I yelled a them to clean it up and they wouldn't listen
- In this second dream, I was given a new iPhone at work and I kept dropping it and breaking it over and over again. They'd keep giving them to me and I'd keep breaking them
- Probably the most disturbing dream: I dreamed I was on top of a building with a friend and she fell of the building to what I can only assume was her death ***
- In this whimsical dream, I was changing into my bathing suit and I looked down and saw that I had two fully formed peckers, each with their own set of nards, and a third one was starting to grow. In the dream, I remember being horrified that I had two whore-pipes but at the same time, instantly wondering if it would be possible to nerk both throbbers at the same time. Hey, don't judge, it was just a dream!
Good news is, I'm ok now but other than my head hurting so I don't plan on going for a run today. Alas, there will be no workout.
*** I purposely didn't divulge the name of my friend who fell off the building because I'm going to write it on a piece of paper, seal it in an envelope, and then mail it to myself so its postmarked from today. In doing this, if said person actually does fall off a building, I'll have proof that my head injurty gave me second sight. Then I can make my living by traveling the world and doing side shows where you hit me in the head and I see the future! I would call myself "Otto The Three Dicked Clairvoyant!"