Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Last night I read an article from Fitness Magazine on ‘The 10 Worst Holiday Foods’ (meaning most unhealthy foods to eat during the holidays).  The list was as follows:

Spinache artichoke dip
Veggie egg rolls
Tuna tartare
Mini potato knish
Veggie quesadilla
Pigs in a blanket
Cream based soups
Mixed nuts

You kidding me with this list?  First off, what kind of holiday food is knish, quesadilla, tuna tartare, and veggie egg rolls?  Those things aren’t holiday foods, they’re crap people serve at ladies luncheons.  Next, that’s the worst that the folks at Fitness Magazine could come up with?  Those folks need to spend a couple of holiday seasons with me, I’ll show them what bad is.  Let’s take a look at a few little gems that are part of my normal repertoire shall we?

Almond Roca – Food of the gods.  67 calories per little candy.  Typically I’ll down 20 or 30 of these babies over the course of an afternoon on Christmas eve

Cheese balls – Just a big ball of cheese with nut slivers all over it.  You cut off roughly a quarter pound of one of these things and then spread it on a huge cracker that mentions ‘butter’ on the box.  Now THAT is bad for you

Gravy – Can’t believe they missed the gravy.  Nothing says the holidays like cooking a big bowl of flower and fat and putting it on the table so you can pour it all over your mashed taters and turkey.  Man its so good.  Just makes my arteries harden to think about it

Mashed taters – I know there are ‘healthy’ ways to make mashed potatoes, but lets be honest, its not healthy when you eat a pound of them in one setting and we all do.  I remember one time talking to my grandma when she was making mashed potatoes.  While we were talking, she just unwrapped cube after cube of butter and just dropped it in the pot of potatoes.  I’m guessing she dropped a full pound of butter in the potatoes before she poured whole milk all over it.  I ate about five scoops of those babies that night…with gravy.  I think that’s a hell of a lot worse for you than spanakopita or veggie egg rolls

Apple pie – Nothing caps off a delicious fat laden holiday meal like a giant slice of apple pie.  If its done right, you can just feel the butter and sugar coursing through your veins.  A true apple pie has to have those sugar-goo coated apples piled up much higher than the level of the pie tin too.  No messing around, pile that crap up.

Candy canes – Last but not least, the good old fashioned candy cane.  I used to get one of those industrial size ones in my stocking every year.  You know, the one that’s like a sawed off piece of ¾ inch pipe.  I’d just sit there and eat the whole thing in one shot, bite after delicious bite..just so yummy and I’m pretty sure eating an eight inch rod of pure sugar is worse for you than veggie quesadillas.

Overall, I think Fitness Magazine should stick to fitness because those salad eaters have no idea what they’re talking about when it comes to unhealthy food.  I’m pretty certain that if the Fitness Magazine editors came to one of my family’s holiday dinners, they’d drop dead before desert even showed up.  Bunch of freaking amateurs.

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