Sunday, January 8, 2012

When Healthfood Goes Wrong....

I took the family on another bike trip to Mother's Market today to purchase some wholesome organic foods for dinner.  One of my kids suddenly had to take a massive growler in the store so I was hangin out, just being the cool guy that I am, and suddenly I came across one of the most shocking and unholy food items I've ever seen....

Now I ask you, what the hell is that?  Who the hell thought it would be a good idea to take whatever meat substitute they use and make it into something that looks like an actual whole turkey?  That is just some crazy shit right there and a complete misuse of science if you ask me.  I've got not problem with vegetarian lifestyle but do not make vegetables into animals....if we keep doing this, when will it stop???  WHEN??!?!

On to bigger and better things....

While the wife was trying to find the heaviest items possible to put in my bike pack so I'd die on the ride home, I went exploring in the vitamin section and there it was, what many call the perfect food, spirulina:
Its tough to see in the photo but those are monster size bottles of spirulina and I think one day I'm going to get one and just eat it all the time to see what happens to me.  I asked my daughter if she wanted to to try some straight spirulina...

So the kid didn't want to be the spirulina guinea pig so we decided to get out of the vitamin section and see what else there was to see.

We found some of that Odwalla stuff and my kid pointed out that the original superfood variety of it contains 150mg of spirulina...

I have a customer who has a big refrigerator in many of their lobbies and they're stocked with Odwalla drinks.  I always politely decline them because I'm afraid I'm going to drink one and then have to rush to the crapper and take a 30 minute emergency shit while everyone else waits for me in the thanks.  But now that I know it has spirulina, I might grab one on the way out my next customer meeting if my hotel is within five minutes.   The jury is still out on that one...we'll see...maybe one day.

My kid wanted this giant bottle of Naked's 'Green Machine' beverage so I picked some up for her but there's no way I'm drinking that stuff.  Same reason I don't drink Odwalla, I know its going to come screaming out of my ass at three hundred miles per hour in liquid form in less than ten min. 

It was looking like I wasn't going to get anything to try for myself (that wouldn't cause me to get the squirts), but then, I saw some lady giving out samples so I cruised over to her to see what was to see.  She was selling this stuff called 'Stedda Chicken Salad' by a company called Vegan Heights.  It's chicken salad made with 100% vegan ingredients, even the chicken part isn't chicken.

I tried some of this stuff and it was really good!  The lady was trying to tell me more about it but I didn't get most of what she said because I was enjoying the stedda chicken salad AND she had huge boobs and her top was low cut and it felt obscene to even look at her while she was talking so there was lots of distractions going on.  Long story short, we picked some up and the wife made a lunch with this vegan treat. 

The Stedda Chicken Salad gets very high marks from me but the $9 price tag is a bit high.  Still...go get some.

So, what did we learn on the Gut Chronicles today?

1.  DO NOT make stuff that looks like whole animals out of other products.  Its wrong and it violates the codes of nature

2.  I will not try superfood or green machine unless I am actually sitting on the toilet when I consume it.  You can't be too careful with that stuff

3.  If you're trying to engage people and educate them on the product you are selling, you should not have your big boobs all hanging out and showing.  If you want me to pay attention to what you're saying, put the guns away.

4.  Stedda Chicken Salad is really good stuff and honestly, I can't believe its vegan. 

Have a great week!


  1. As always, very entertaining and some valid points. My question is if vegans are so anti-fish/meat/poultry, diary, etc., why do they imitate the products? It's akin to some Christians who are against drinking but use wine glasses and sparkling cider to toast! If you're going to be anti this and that, call your preferred product what it is!

  2. Green Machine is the bomb!

  3. The vegans I've met don't seem to want to imitate anything so I wonder why the company that made the turkey decided to do do it.