Saturday, August 13, 2011

Day 37: Pre-Workout Musings

The year was Y2K and I was at a Hungarian bath house in Budapest. My buddy Mark and I had read about the greatness of the Gellert Baths so we headed down there, rented a couple of blue speedos from the front desk, and went in for the full experience. The ladies who were with us at the time were a bit squeamish about the whole experience so Mark and I decided to leave them in the main pool and venture into the dark recesses of the 'men only' area. Our speedos were lame and mine was up my ass like a bicycle without a seat since it was a size extra medium so as soon as we got into the expansive men's only area, both Mark and I dropped our speedos and launched them into the air over the dozens of cubicles where dudes were getting massaged (we heard a couple of lucky guys who got hit by our flying speedos grunt and complain in another language when the flying banana hammocks found their mark).

Mark and I found our way through the maze of massage cubicles and wandered deep into the nicely appointed Roman style baths (pictured above) where there was a variety of steam rooms, pools, and rooms that had special purposes. After having a look around, we got into one of the big hot pools (I think it was the same one in the photo if memory serves). So there we were, hanging out (literally and figuratively), a couple of buddies, living large in Budapest and doing something we'd never done before...and that's when I saw it, a clear code violation. We were sitting there amongst a couple dozen or so Hungarian dudes and across the pool, I saw two guys, naked, sitting extremely close together, one guy was leaning with his forearm on the other guy's shoulder, and they were talking with their faces about three inches apart.

Before I go on, this is a good spot for me to point out that I'm not calling out guys who are into guys, I'm calling out guys who are in the gym and they violate code. I don't even think the two dudes leaning on each other in the hot tub were into each other, they were just grossing everyone out with their code violation. My point here, before I go on with this painfully long story that is allowing me to avoid working out, is that whether you're gay or straight or totally asexual, you should know the code when you're in a locker room or a spa and you should stick to the code and that code is "Keep your funky shit to yourself!"

Man, when you're walking around naked with a bunch of other guys, if you've got any funky business to take care of, quirky habits, problems with personal space, or special needs, you've gotta lock it up and keep that shit to yourself until you are BY YOURSELF. When I was in the locker room after working out yesterday, I was shocked had how many code violators there are at my gym. The code violations are so rampant, I feel like I should post a manifesto explaining the rules to these cretins. They need to start keeping their shit to themselves and get it together!

Here are some examples of recent code violations I've seen at my gym:

  • Getting dressed in the sauna - There's one dude who comes into the sauna, throws all of his clothes on the wooden bench seat, drapes his sweaty ass towel over the wall protecting the hot rocks doohickie, and then proceeds to get dressed in a painfully slow manner IN THE FREAKING SAUNA. Not only is it totally annoying because the sauna isn't a freaking changing room, its disgusting to watch that old man spend 45 minutes trying to pull up his soaking wet tighty whiteys and then fight like a snail with his wet t-shirt. Man, you've gotta keep that shit to yourself!

  • Wet smacking noises - if you need to make wet smacking noises, go do it somewhere else. Its offensive and rude and its a violation of code. There's one dude who comes into the sauna with a gallon jug of water and then sits there, constantly pouring a little water over his head and then rubbing himself all over his body while he breathes heavy and makes noises. What the hell is going on there man? You getting yourself off in some new and inventive way or are you just trying to annoy the rest of us so much that we'll leave? That guy drives me insane, he sounds like a big dog licking its own asshole. Wet smacking noise guy makes me want to barf and he needs to keep that shit to himself.

  • Walking around naked, talking to everyone guy - There are several of these code violators at my gym, guys who walk around buck naked for like an hour, and want to talk to everyone. If you know me, you know I have absolutely no problem being naked or seeing naked; what I have a problem with is a dude who's in close quarters with a bunch of other dudes, most of whom are strangers, trying to engage those guys in conversation while said dude is naked. "Hey Jimbo! How's that back therapy going? You feeling any better? The other day I was talking to Mavis and I says to her...." Hey Larry King, shut your piehole, put some clothes on, and take it outside. Sweet mother of crap I hate 'naked talking guy'. You know another thing about 'naked talking guy'? Naked Talking Guy never ever has a good body or looks like he belongs anywhere near a gym. Naked talking guy is always some flabby weirdo with back hair and grey pubes. Barf...keep that shit to yourself naked talking guy

  • Just hanging out guy - One of the strangest of all code violators is just hanging out guy. Every now and then, there will be a dude, fully dressed, just sitting around in the locker room, watching TV. What the hell is that all about? This is a clear code violation because if you're in the locker room and you're dressed, get the hell out of the locker room. Hey, if you like looking at sausage, that's totally fine, but if you like looking at sausage that doesn't want you looking at it, you've got a problem. There's a dude who works at my gym who is frequently just hanging out in the locker room. I think he goes into the locker room to hang out on his break or something. This guy's job is handing out towels to people when they come to the gym and I think he's touched or something because he doesn't seem like he's all there. When this guy is just hanging out in the locker room, he makes no attempt to hide the fact that he's a world class penis inspector, he just sits there, looking like Slingblade, staring at your junk. Usually he'll say something like "Hi! Are you going to work out?" Do not be 'just hanging out guy', keep that shit to yourself.

  • Stretching in the steam room - This code violator is probably the most clueless of all. You can have five guys sitting in the steam room, just hanging out, and this code violator will come walking in, stand in the middle of the steam room, and start doing naked stretching complete with heavy breathing. The fact that people evacuate the steam room when stretching guy comes in doesn't phase him at all, he just keeps on stretchin. Man, you need to just assume at all times that nobody wants to see your asshole after you've worked up a good sweat on the treadmill. What the hell is wrong with these dumbasses who think its ok to stretch in the steam room? YOU'VE GOTTA KEEP THAT SHIT TO YOURSELF!

Class dismissed

*Side note. For the word 'tighty' (as in tighty whitey), one of the words suggested by spellcheck is 'titty'. tee hee hee

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