Thursday, August 25, 2011

Day 48: Gimmie That Algae!

Looks like the partying and Las Vegas has left my body and my weight is back down to the original 14 pounds I've lost, which is good news. The bad news is, I've been going at it for nearly 50 days and I've clearly fallen off the wagon and into a pile of delicious snacks. We all know snacking is the devil, but we all have to admit that snacking is a sexy devil in a tight latex outfit who is a sweet, albeit deceptive, that's a problem.

In order to try and get rid of the sexy snacking devil and get my mind right, last night I watched a documentary called "Food Matters" while I was eating cheese crunchies (low fat) and having some wine (four or five gallons). Food Matters is an interesting documentary that gets very preachy about how all doctors are morons and everything in life, including advance stage cancer, can be cured with massive doses of vitamins and proper nutrition. Once you get past the religious zealots and raw food hipsters, there's a lot of good an practical information on what you should be eating in general based on the concept of 'you are what you eat'.

Having said all of that, throughout this documentary, several superfoods were mentioned like:

  • Raspberries - I already eat lots of those

  • Cacao - boring, so last week, and I already eat that from time to time

  • Goji berries - sounds weird and like something people who stink eat and hey man, I'm not looking to join a cult or anything

  • Acai - people of the Amazon have been eating Acai for Melina! That's great because people of the Amazon also put disks in their lips, get high by sucking toads, and have never put up a serious fight against any foreign invader...not a group I want to follow

  • Noni - I'm not eating anything that sounds like it was named after a fat kids grandma

On the other hand, there was one superfood listed that really got my attention, something called 'Spirulina'. Supposedly spirulina is packed with protein and antioxidants and could be the worlds most perfect food...I was intrigued so I did some research on the subject and it looks like spirulina is the real deal, a food above all foods, THE ALPHA FOOD! In addition to spirulina being a great all around food, there are several other facts about spirulina that make me want to get some now and put it in my body:

  • It's an algae - everyone knows that if we're ever going to colonize other worlds, our brave astronauts will need to recycle their own bodily fluids and eat algae as their main source of nutrition. I'm not drinking my own pee, but dang man...spirulina is astronaut food and if I'm going to colonize another planet one day, I better get my ass on the program right now!

  • It's blue - Spock's blood was blue, maybe this will turn my blood blue like Spock's and we all know that anything Spock-like is totally freaking awesome

  • It grows naturally on rocks around volcanic lakes - that just sounds totally badass. Anything that comes from a volcano freaking rules! (side note, one time I was at Volcano National Park in Hawaii and I asked these two tourists to take a photo of me. The whole place smelled like sulphur and I had to fart. So, as I was walking away from the tourists, I figured I could just ease one out and nobody would be the wiser. Unfortunately, the fart didn't ease out, it sounded like a prolonged thunderclap and was a total shocker. I just kept on walking, hanging my head in shame, never looked back. True story)

  • Its something I can use to make hipsters and vegans feel inferior - Hipster/Vegan: "Whatcha eating Jon-O?" Me: "Oh nothing, just having some spirulina. Oh what? You've never heard of it? Wow, you must not be a true hipster. Time to turn in your beat up old sneakers and mismatched thrift store clothes dude, you've been exposed. POW!"

I knew last night that I had to have me some spirulina immediately so,Long story longer, I went to the website where I get my vitamins and looked it up. Guess what? Turns out I've already had mass quantities of spirulina! (gasp, massive plot twist!). Way back when, when I was seeing my nutritionist, she prescribed a powder for me that is made of 'superfoods' and it turns out this powder has a whopping dose of spirulina in every scoop. Dang that girl is smart! I will be ordering more and you will all notice how awesome my spirulina infused, healthy, Spock's blood pumping body looks in no time at all!

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