Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Day Something: What the hell happened?

White sangria for everyone!

I've been off the radar for the past few days and all kinds of shit has gone on. First and foremost, the weightloss has come to a stall due to my snacking, travel, and living high on the hog. I'm working out like a fiend, which is good, but I'm not losing anymore weight. Since I'm having a bunch of old friends over today/tonight and I'm going to Vegas in the am, now is not the time to worry about it....tough shit.

Speaking of working out, on Monday, on my ride home on the SART, Serena got a flat tire (below). Lucky for me, I was carrying a spare tube! Unlucky for me, like a dumbass, I left my pump at home. So, I had to push m'bike 4.5 miles down the SART and through a ghetto enclave to get home. This didn't make me feel like blogging, it made me sad.

I did see some interesting stuff while walking the SART! For instance, under several of the bridges, I noticed women, who I assumed to be whores, coming out from the bum condos and riding their bikes away. Most of these women were wearing fancy $300 jeans...I have no clue how a whore who works homeless dudes can afford True Religion, but who am I to judge? I was a little offended that none of these under the bridge working whores made a play for me. What am I, chopped liver? Even in my sweaty state, surely I'm a more desireable client than a dude who lives under the bridge right?

Right before I left the SART, I saw a police bust happening. Some dude rode by me and in very broken English said "These guys, they etried to esteal my money from me yesterday". I said "You mean THOSE guys tried to rob you yesterday?" He replied "Si, Ieeen not esure but I think it is them". I said "Where did they try to rob you?" He said "Right here". So I said "SHIT MAN, IF THOSE GUYS TRIED TO ROB YOU RIGHT HERE YESTERDAY, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE TODAY?" He looked confuced and just said "Que?". I realized this was now his probelm. I'm a white dude who's about to push his fancy new bike through a ghetto, I had my own problems to deal with...

I made my way into the park off the side of the SART but had to take the long way because there were several menacing youths hanging out, staring at me. Luckily, I'm a total badass so they left me alone. Just before I entered the neighborhood I refer to as 'Pit Bull Alley', I heard the sound of a cat screeching. I looked towards the noise and I saw some girl, in her pajamas (5:30pm mind you), standing in the doorway of her house, holding her nails at me like claws and hissing and yeowling exactly like a cat. That was some seriously strange shit but I needed to keep on hoofing.

I was attacked by a dog roughly 30 seconds after entering Pit Bull Alley. As fate would have it, I wheeled around when I heard the growling and snarling of the beast that would surely end my life, only to see a medium sized mut coming at me. At this point I was seriously pissed off and my feet hurt like hell so I waved the dog off with my mighty hand and yelled "Get outta here you little fucker!". The dog hauled ass and left me alone, but everyone standing around and staring at me in the neighborhood looked suddenly shocked. I was amazed that all of these folks, who speak no English, suddenly understand me perfectly when I drop an F-Bomb. Wierd stuff I tell ya!

As I exited Pit Bull Alley, I made my way into the Riverview neighborhood. Riverview is dumpy but its not all that bad so I was feeling relatively safe. The street was littered with teen jailbait wearing denim shorts that barely covered anything and dudes in their 20's who wore pants hanging off of their asses and wifebeaters. Luckily these guys were more interested in comitting statutory rape than stealing my bike and my wallet so I proceded unmolested.

The most unsettling and erie part of my journey was, the entire way through the gang infested park, and through the cat girl street, and through Pit Bull Alley, and through Riverview, I could hear the sound of an ice cream truck playing "You Are My Sunshine" and "Deck The Halls" on a crappy speaker. Whether I was being attacked by a disgusting mutt, screeched at by a feral child, or worried about getting mugged, I could hear "You Are My Sunshine" and "Deck The Halls" being played over and over and over again. I nearly lost my mind. Finally, when I was nearing the street that would bring me into my neighborhood, I saw the ice cream truck (above). Is that not the most shitty excuse for an ice cream truck you've ever seen? What the hell is that thing? A green van with Spongebob on the side playing Christmas tunes in the middle of August. WHAT THE???

Eventually I made it home and my kids even gave me a foot massage so I guess all's well that ends well, but ultimately, my lack of nutritional discipline and my horrid walk down the SART and through the hood have left a bad taste in my mouth for the past couple of days.

So, to come full circle, this finally brings us to the photo at the top of the page. This week has been a fist fucking of monumental proportions and its only Wednesday. The good news is I've got good friends coming by, a jug full of hooch on the patio, and a trip to Vegas in my immediate future so I'm going to just live for the moment and go get ripped.

Stay tuned for posts from the road....

No comments:

Post a Comment